[ak1728]

This has turned out to be messier and more stressful than I initially thought. We have been married for about 3 years now and my wife has a college education loan. In my culture, it's the parents who pay for this and that's her and her parent's understanding as well. However, right after her marriage her parents apparently did not pay for a while and they had folks from the bank knock on their door for a portion of the payments. She or her parents did not have the money and they turned to me. I must admit that I am a bit well off financially than them and I wanted to help my wife I decided to pay a good amount of it. They subsequently never made any efforts to keep up with the payments for about a year when this happened again and I again paid albeit a smaller amount this time. And now this happened again this month but this time I had a serious conversation with my wife where I essentially and politely to the best of my ability asked her to (1) Take ownership of the loan and not leave it to her parents because they always say they'll pay it off but they never do (2) Setup a payment plan with the bank so that we may pay it off in half the time saving interest as we have the money. Since then she has tried reaching out to the bank about 2-3 times in the last month but has not received a response. She gets pissed and says I'm nagging her every time I remind her to call and check.

Here's what's going through my mind: (1) I fear the loan would balloon up to an amount which would be non-trivial for me (right now it's just what I can afford) and we'd have to cut back from other areas (mortgage payments, kid's education, etc.) In my opinion, this is grossly unfair that I and my family take the hit for her parent's lack of responsibility.
(2) I am angry at her and her parents because they take absolutely no responsibility and make no effort to even get us the information we want (they are local and we are in another continent 10K miles away) let alone make some effort to pay the money. Why should I sacrifice my family's well being for their irresponsible behavior?
(3) I am angry at my wife because she doesn't understand my concerns and urgency but instead supports her parents view that I am making a big deal of it and that there are a bunch of other folks who have not yet paid the loan.
(4) I think the bank wants to drag the loan as long as possible so they can make money off the interest. They don't want her to pay up or worse, pay up ahead of time.

At this point I have tried to communicate clearly but nothing has changed - she continues to try to contact the bank over the phone with no success. I feel I should have refused to pay anything in the first place and am now paying the price for being nice. I can refuse to pay from here on but I know that's not going to be possible. My wife will eventually come to be and if there are $$ in my bank account then despite the fact that they for a legit future expense (kid's education), the urgency of the situation will leave me with no option but to take care of this. The other day I heard her mother over phone tell her to ask me to not make a big deal out of it - well then why don't they pay?

It's been one of my longer posts.. if you've made it this far please help!!!!!

Originally Posted by ak1728

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It's been one of my longer posts.. if you've made it this far please help!!!!!

I have the best solution for you.

Have your wife call her student loan lender. She can do either of the following with her student loans, that will not effect your income or hers, negatively:

1. Ask for a deferment: this option is available to people who have financial hardship. the deferment requires your wife to submit documents to her student loan lender as: last pay stub.

2. Ask for income based repayment: this will lower the monthly loan payment to a small amount, based on your wife's income.

These are the best two options for your wife. I have student loans. I have used both options with no problems.

The problem happens if your wife does nothing. Then, the student loan lender will put your wife's student loans in a "default status" and she will get her wages "garnished" and then her social security "garnished" and her tax refund "garnished, and then the student loan lender will do the same to your income, since you are married to her.

No action taken, results in wage garnishment. So, your wife needs to take responsibility NOW and call her lender and select one of the two options I listed above. If she doesn't, she's screwed you both. Sorry.

It does sound like they are taking advantage of you but if this is a US college loan then so long as you are married and in the US then the debt is half yours and can never be discharged only paid or interest will accrue as you fear (though there are a few programs where if your wife works in some government programs long enough, the debt will be paid). If it is a foreign loan then I have no idea if it would come back to haunt you if you don't pay. If she is acting this irresponsibly about a school debt then watch out if she has credit cards? When you are married in the US--in most states, any debts your spouse incurs become yours too!

[ak1728]

Thanks for your reply folks. No the loan is not in the US and that complicates things for me because I or my wife cant efficiently follow up without help from her parents on the ground which is clearly not forthcoming. I think they have given up and know that I'll pay for it. There's only so much I can do. I am running out of options now. Anytime I try to bring this up to my wife she gets defensive. It hurts me because she doesnt see my point of view and instead prefers to feel sorry for her parents that they're struggling. She needs to clearly understand that this is HER money and by behaving in this manner she is making it difficult for herself and her child to live comfortably in the future. Of course, I will be impacted as well but I personally have no great desire left to do anything in life. I am quite content existing and getting by.

What country is this loan in? What are the loan's policies with regard to repayment? Is it through a bank, or an education lender?

Even if it is through a bank the bank will allow you to make income based repayments but you have to set that up with the bank manager.

Your other option is to file bankruptcy and wipe the loan out. We can't help you if you don't give us more details.

[sarahsweets]

I guess I am confused about something... did her parents cosign the loan? If they did was it because they intended to pay it until she was on her own? If your wife takes responsibility for the loan doesnt that mean it would still come out of the money you make because you are married?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I guess I am confused about something... did her parents cosign the loan? If they did was it because they intended to pay it until she was on her own? If your wife takes responsibility for the loan doesnt that mean it would still come out of the money you make because you are married?

In the US student loan is entirely your own responsibility. It’s not marital responsibility or marital debt or anything your spouse must pay, it’s not like credit card or car loan, spouses are not obligated to pay each other’s student loans. It’s a different ball game. I don’t know about other countries of course. Just saying how it’s here.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

I have the best solution for you.


Have your wife call her student loan lender. She can do either of the following with her student loans, that will not effect your income or hers, negatively:


1. Ask for a deferment: this option is available to people who have financial hardship. the deferment requires your wife to submit documents to her student loan lender as: last pay stub.


2. Ask for income based repayment: this will lower the monthly loan payment to a small amount, based on your wife's income.


These are the best two options for your wife. I have student loans. I have used both options with no problems.


The problem happens if your wife does nothing. Then, the student loan lender will put your wife's student loans in a "default status" and she will get her wages "garnished" and then her social security "garnished" and her tax refund "garnished, and then the student loan lender will do the same to your income, since you are married to her.


No action taken, results in wage garnishment. So, your wife needs to take responsibility NOW and call her lender and select one of the two options I listed above. If she doesn't, she's screwed you both. Sorry.

Yeah I don’t know about other countries but in the US bankruptcy doesn’t wipe student loans out. Everything else yes can eliminate but not that. You can negotiate different repayments or put on hold but not eliminate (unless you fell into loan forgiveness category)

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

It does sound like they are taking advantage of you but if this is a US college loan then so long as you are married and in the US then the debt is half yours and can never be discharged only paid or interest will accrue as you fear (though there are a few programs where if your wife works in some government programs long enough, the debt will be paid). If it is a foreign loan then I have no idea if it would come back to haunt you if you don't pay. If she is acting this irresponsibly about a school debt then watch out if she has credit cards? When you are married in the US--in most states, any debts your spouse incurs become yours too!

Agree about other debt. Mutual responsibility. Not the student loan. It’s entirely your own. Student loan is not half your spouse’s. It’s yours only.

[ak1728]

Thanks for your interest folks! The loan is in India and I'm pretty sure her parents co-signed the loan. In fact, she was making some payments while she was there and working. there prior to our marriage. She also found work here but did not make payments while she worked. I always insisted she makes at least some payments. She eventually quit because of an abusive work environment. You're right, if she has to make the payment it's going to be money that I earn and bring in. But I don't look at it that way - it's our money. Otherwise, I feel like an earning machine. What pisses me off is that neither she or her parents don't seem to take any efforts to resolve this. Even a partial effort would be enough for me to feel I am not being taken advantage of. For instance, even if she had paid about $50 while she worked it would have meant a lot to me because that would show she's thinking about it and is trying. And the same applies to her parents. I'd appreciate if her mom or dad pay a visit to the bank and talk to get the information to get this sorted out - they don't even have to pay. I am open to the possibility that my communication could have been confrontational at times while discussing this and I am working and trying to improve. Beyond that I am not sure what I can do.

But was the loan in India - cosigned by your wife's parents - for her college education, or was it a bank loan to buy a house?

Her parents, as co-signers are responsible for repaying the loan. It's very selfish that they stopped making payments, knowing full well that their daughter - your wife - can't seem to hold down a job, and when she was employed, wasn't responsible with her money to make very minimal payments. She's essentially ruined her credit, her parents' credit, and your credit.

I would urge you to find financial management classes for your wife to take. Community centers, and nonprofit places offer those. They are not classes in the pay-for way, but are meetings with financial counselors who review financial 101's about loans, saving money, etc. and teach people who are horrible with money how to save money. Assuming you live in San Diego, CA?

I totally understand your frustration. Your wife thinks that if she doesn't address the financial problem, then there is no problem. Anxiety around money is a real thing and it's one of the worst problems in people's lives, especially married couples. My sister has to support her family b/c her husband can't hold down a job and he's TERRIBLE with their money. He ruined my sister's credit multiple times, by trying to start his own businesses with partners who stole from him, or just up and quit and left my BIL with debt in the $50K range each time (he tried and failed 4 times so far in his life to start his own consulting business). And they have children to support and one with mental disabilities whose insurance won't cover specific therapy types. So, my sister is supporting her entire family on her salary and it's grounds for divorce but she loves her husband despite his ineptitude with money (whether he's conscious and feels guilty about it, or not conscious of his terrible choices).

If your wife is unwilling to address this loan and not even take a part-time job so that she can make monthly payments, since her parents stopped payments on it (prob. b/c they are fed up with their daughter being irresponsible), then know that this financial debt will be garnished most likely from your paychecks, if it hasn't been already. I don't know the international finance laws with loans. But you should seriously look into the country-to-country loan repayment policies.

[luvyrself]

If you cant get the info you need, get an attorney to help you before bad consequences result. Your wife should at least do something to help pay for the attorney and the loan, even babysitting. If you dont set boundaries for her taking some responsibility you will resent this more and more and the costs will rise as you said. How frustrating! However, if you dont set some boundaries, how will you feel if she continues to be irresponsible in the future? As a mother,for example, being irresponsible just doesn’t work.

[ak1728]

OK, so I finally gathered the courage to bring this up to my wife. (I am seeing a therapist and based on a bunch of other things we discussed, he said the number one skill I need to work on is assertiveness) I tried to be as polite and considerate as possible while expressing how this is affecting me. I also listened to her concerns and gathered that she feels cornered and threatened when I ask her for an update every time. She also mentioned that there was no way her parents would be able to pay it and the understanding was that she would pay for it from her paycheck. She is no longer working because we just had a baby plus is going back to school this Fall. (Getting a local education is the only way she can get a meaningful job given that we are immigrants and there are work authorization issues). Given that her parents are otherwise considerate and caring, I am willing to buy into all of this. But.... we need to take care of the loan before it balloons. So while I agreed to not be pushy I did ask her to voluntarily keep updating me on her efforts to set up a payment plan and to make diligent efforts in the first place. She agreed to this. Let's see how it goes.

Wait...so your wife just had a baby and is going to go back to school now? Although she already owes student loans from her education in India that she has defaulted on?

Is your wife going to take out a financial aid student loan and use a lender? If so, she can request a financial aid refund. She should use that refund money from her current education loan, to repay her defaulted student loan in India off. She can do that over 4 semesters since she'll get a refund check every semester.

Kudos to you for practicing assertiveness skills with your wife. Keep practicing. It will get easier each time you assert yourself.

[ak1728]

Yes, the plan was always to go back to school and we have requested our families to help us. Also, we are paying for her education entirely from my savings. The idea is when she starts earning that money goes back into our savings.

Originally Posted by ak1728

Yes, the plan was always to go back to school and we have requested our families to help us. Also, we are paying for her education entirely from my savings. The idea is when she starts earning that money goes back into our savings.

I guess I don't know why you are concerned about her defaulted loan then, if her parents are willing to pay for her schooling in the U.S., but not help her repay her defaulted loan from her education in India.

So, this loan in India will never be repaid then? Does it get dismissed after a period of time? How do you plan to repay it?

Originally Posted by ak1728

OK, so I finally gathered the courage to bring this up to my wife. (I am seeing a therapist and based on a bunch of other things we discussed, he said the number one skill I need to work on is assertiveness) I tried to be as polite and considerate as possible while expressing how this is affecting me. I also listened to her concerns and gathered that she feels cornered and threatened when I ask her for an update every time. She also mentioned that there was no way her parents would be able to pay it and the understanding was that she would pay for it from her paycheck. She is no longer working because we just had a baby plus is going back to school this Fall. (Getting a local education is the only way she can get a meaningful job given that we are immigrants and there are work authorization issues). Given that her parents are otherwise considerate and caring, I am willing to buy into all of this. But.... we need to take care of the loan before it balloons. So while I agreed to not be pushy I did ask her to voluntarily keep updating me on her efforts to set up a payment plan and to make diligent efforts in the first place. She agreed to this. Let's see how it goes.

Your wife is lucky to have you!