Personal time and space needed

How do I deal with someone whose definition of friendship seems to be doing everything (and I mean everything) together?

When someone wants to join the same gym as mine, attend the same social groups/ extracurricular classes together (i.e. foreign language classes, etc.), and suggests to carpool to all these places, that takes away from my personal time and space. From reading the threads on PC, I see that even spouses are not doing everything together all the time.

With someone like that, I almost don't want to answer questions like, "Do you go to a gym? Which gym?" But since what gym I go to is not considered a private question, it doesn't make sense for me to refuse that information from her.

But when someone wants to follow me everywhere, it makes me not want to disclose even the ordinary information to her. What should I say when she asks me about my plans for this Summer again? Last time I said I don't know yet, because I haven't finalized my plan. But it's going to come up again.

Maybe give her a very abbreviated answer (one word?). And don't voluntarily disclose? Try not to worry about what she is going to ask, just deal with it when it comes up. I must admit that when I don't want to answer questions I say, "I don't know," even when I do!

Sometimes you have to lie by omission or come right out and say you need space. You can frame it compassionately " i really need my own "me" time and space for my mental health but we can do lunch on xyz"

When I answer vaguely, she asks further on the specifics.

This so reminds me of my Cluster-B relative. She used ask the specifics and tried to tag along. She also asked for first and last names of people I am friends with (I thought it was weird but I didn't want to be rude so I answered) and then when she gets to the hang-out, she would friend-poach.

I am doing better at managing Cluster-B people, but I can't believe I am still attracting them. I mean, how did I attract someone that resembles my relative in the first place?

That's a good idea. How can I word it so it sounds like it's about me and not her?

If I say, "I need space" it sounds like I am blaming her for not giving me space.

So if she asks, "What are you doing this summer?"

Can I say, "Oh, I plan on taking care of my mental healthy by spending some 'me' time"

Then maybe she won't ask any further on where I am spending those 'me' time. If she insists on knowing, that's a red flag, right?

Why word it so it's about you only and not her? this is about a relationship between two people and it has to do with the type of intrusive behavior that she portrays and is not entirely on you. Be honest without being mean in a way that is degrading but please, stop trying to walk on eggshells around people that you simply do not enjoy the company of all the time. Part of why you may continue attracting people is this worrying about trampling other people's heart to the point of sacrificing your own. Stop doing so and stand up for yourself. I don't say that in a mean way but trying to encourage you. Those that are truly people that care about your feelings and desires and expectations will do their best to understand and respect you. Those that freak out, get hurt or otherwise act devastated due to a little honesty are not really going to be quality people that will be someone you enjoy as a friend anyway.... just my take.



But it is on her. She is intrusive and is one that will join you uninvited if you so much as give too many details about your event. That's about her behavior affecting you and you should not shy away from standing up for your own space in the relationship. Sometimes placing blame or actually pointing out exactly what the other person is doing and its effects on you are exactly what they need to hear. Likely they do this to a lot of people and will latch on to anyone that's afraid to call them out on it. Don't be the person that gets latched onto.



Sure I think that's fair and a kind way to say it but emphasize that you mean to have time of solitude for much of it, or that your plans aren't those that constantly include other people or namely, her. I mean you could say that you like to do things during your summer unplanned and therefore like to keep it unattached to other people joining you in most of your activities.


with what I just said it kind of says that you dont' have exact idea of what you're doing so if she continues asking then you can safely say you don't know yet.

In summary, I personally think a direct and honest approach works great. You can further point out that you like to have your time open and without attachments without pointing any fingers at her but laying out how you like to plan your events and time. It puts things out there explaining that too much togetherness isn't something you strive for so the ball is squarely in the other person's court and you've kept it about you, not them (as you laid out in the first response)

Thank you. I will try the indirect approach first and if that doesn't work, I really need to be direct, even at the cost of offending her.

yw ... I personally would always try not to lie about anything to anyone that I had any kind of plan to be friends with going forward. the truth always comes out in the end.