Assuming friendships are closer than they are

I know I have briefly mentioned this before in other threads, but never actually went into fully talking about it. I’ve wondered if it is more common than we think to assume friendships with others are closer than they really are. In other words, we may believe all of our friends or acquaintances like us just as much as we like them.

I have seen this backfire on others and even with me. I’ve made that mistake, which leads to hurt feelings and making those who were rejected to believe everyone is just hostile constantly. Yes there are people out there that really are just plain rude, but at the same time, there are people who actually may like you, they just may not like you as much as you like them.

In other cases, someone may assume they are best friends with someone when in reality, that other person doesn’t feel the same way. One may consider someone a best friend while the other person sees it nothing more than a casual friendship or even just acquaintances. Do you think this is pretty common? I think it happens more so than we realize. It can happen to anyone. Have you ever experienced this? Have you also had anyone think you guys were great friends or liked you a lot when you didn’t feel the same way?

This is also one of the reasons I like to take things slowly, that way friendships don’t become one-sided. I feel like that’s how one-sided friendships are born. One person likes the other way more and maybe even way too quickly. Has anyone ever made this mistake? I know I have, not so much anymore but I used to. I’ve had friends who made that mistake with others and they felt hurt, understandably so, when they realized some people didn’t feel the same way. It caused then to assume that people are just plain rude when in fact, they were liked just fine, just not as close. Some people are plain rude, but not all of them.

It happens a lot with abuse survivors. We didn't know "normal", so it is hard to figure out who is genuine and who is not.

I have done what you described. I was eager for connections., so I rushed things.

Yep exactly. It happens.

Happened to me.

At work a colleague said I was his best work friend. We'd chat and he's share a lot but I was more reserved. I thought of him as just a colleague and things soured after that

I used to genuinely believe that someone values me as a friend, and it turned out she just wanted things from me.

Yeah stuff like that has happened to me too.

Yeah same here.

I have/am on both sides of this very thing right now. I have a friend who I adore & would do anything for, they are my best friend, I tell them everything, I want to see them, I get hurt & angry inside when they don't want to see me. But to them I am just a friend. They have many other friends some of whom they see regularly & are the first to know their news. It hurts me sometimes more than others. My feelings towards it change. Sometimes I can absolutely logically accept that this is probably quite a normal occurrence, & other times my day is destroyed at the rejection.

Equally I have a friend who to me is a person I get on with but I don't feel a deep connection to, I never tell them anything personal & rarely tell them about anything in my life at all. They tell me everything, I'd actually rather not know some of the things, but I'm very mindful that's how my other friends might feel about me.

It sucks on both sides of the fence.

I do think that being in the position I am with friend number one makes me have more compassion for friend number two??...friendships are like love I guess to some extent, you can't choose who you're drawn to or who's drawn to you.

Yeah it is unfortunate that those two situations can happen, especially concurrently. I’ve had that happen concurrently as well. I’ve had friends that liked others more than they liked me while I’ve had people like me more than I like them. In terms of not feeling as close to someone who really likes you, I can understand why you would not get personal with them.

I was the same way. With the person that I didn’t feel close to, I didn’t tell her my personal problems and actually felt uncomfortable when she told me hers since I didn’t consider her a friend. Just someone I knew. Main reason was that she was arrogant so I didn't feel close to her or want to be her friend. But yeah being on the receiving end of unwanted attention can help you understand how others may feel when you accidentally do the same to them.

One sided interpersonal relationships can't be avoided, unfortunately no matter what we do, at least from my experience.

For instance, when I find myself always the one to have to initiate plans with the friend -- I know it's a one sided friendship.
When people cancel on me at the last minute and don't reschedule -- I know it's a one sided friendship.
The friend who only contacts me when they want or need something -- I know it's a one sided friendship.
The friend who is late all the time -- I know I'm low on their priority list or they wouldn't be chronically late, so I know it's a one sided friendship.
The friend who interrupts me constantly and monopolizes the conversation and doesn't really listen to anything I have to contribute -- I know it's a one sided friendship.

Examples of one sided relationships:

One person repeatedly having to call or email to get a response from the other.
One friend failing to contact the other unless they need a favor.
One person at the whim of the other in terms of plans, the frequency of get-togethers, and activities.
One person who talks over the other about his or her problems, but then fails to listen when their friend needs something.​

Why one sided friendships happen:

Mistakenly believes they are friends while the other thinks they are acquaintances.
Is lonely and desperate for friends.
Feels that everyone has a good side and will spend the time to see if it's true with their new friend.
Believes that their mentoring relationship has crossed over into friendship.
Is a fan of a celebrity or someone on social media and thinks they have a friendship when they don't.

How to Tell If You're in a One-Sided Friendship

Two more good articles:

Fairness and Reciprocity in Friendships

11 Signs You’re In A One-Sided Friendship & How To Fix The Problem

Yes I totally agree. In most cases it is loneliness and mistaking a friendship for an acquaintanceship. Also yes I’ve known people who have considered someone a friend while that person they befriended didn’t feel the same way. I did that in high school. That was my mistake. In college I had someone who would say me and her were friends when in reality, we were just acquaintances.