[Icedgem]

I really do not like spending any time with my brother at all.

He's a few years older than me at 38.

Today at my parents (we haven't seen each other in about 3 weeks) he arrives and just barges past me in the kitchen purposely pushing me into the wall. When he walks back towards me he flicks his hand out to my face as if to hit me then flicks it back behind his head to imply he's fixing his hair. He laughs as I always flinch as he used to beat me when we were young.

I was playing with my kids and nephew (his son) and he comes barging in again and just messes up our game and turns on the TV and puts it up loud.

I get the kids together and we leave. I tell my parents I'm leaving because of him and my says 'well he's your brother'

Eugh.

Any advice to stop me totally lashing out at him next time?

How can I handle this behaviour

[s4ndm4n2006]

he sounds like a child, is acting like a child and you have every right to walk away and leave. I think you handled it best. I don't think you need to endure his childlike behavior ever and you don't have to be there if he is, if that's how he greets and treats you all the time. Just because he's your brother does not mean you're obligated to endure the bully like behavior and abusive behavior.

[Icedgem]

That's what he is. A man child LOL.

I don't want my kids around him and he just doesn't give them the time of day.

But I don't want to miss out on seeing my cousin's who live quite far away so when we see them there is always a diary bit of travelling and it's always a family event if you know what I mean

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

That's what he is. A man child LOL.

I don't want my kids around him and he just doesn't give them the time of day.

But I don't want to miss out on seeing my cousin's who live quite far away so when we see them there is always a diary bit of travelling and it's always a family event if you know what I mean

I do get that. You may just have to find ways to shield yourself from your brother when you want to see the cousins and have family get togethers. I imagine that they last a few days, and if that's the case you don't have to be there 100% of the time. when he acts out, leave - at least leave the area, walk away. he's a man child like you say and he lives for the angry attention he gets and your response you give when he does so. This is his reward he loves. So refuse that reward and do the opposite, do not react, ignore, walk away for the moment and continue with your visiting with other people. In time I think you'll find he will give up if you're consistent.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry your brother is being SO MEAN to you, Icedgem! I completely agree with what s4ndm4n2006 has already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to you to listen to him as much as you possibly CAN! He always gives SUCH GREAT ADVICE to EVERYONE like IN THIS CASE! I completeòy with what s4ndm4n2006 has already wisely said about getting away from your brother as much as you can! Like he has alreasy wisely said, he only wants your attention and you DON'T have to accept his behavior!!!!! You can still go to visit your cousin with your kids! You can just try to avoid your brother as much as you can during these family reunions! If he becomes too annoying for you and your kids, just get out of the room as soon as you can and wait for a little bit! Hopefully he WILL get the message after a while and if he doesn't at least you'll be able to set up CLEAR and STRONG BOUNDARIES between HIM and YOURSELF and YOUR KIDS! I'm so sorry, it's always so hard when the people who should be the closest to us are also the ones that hurt us the most! I COMPLETELY understand how you feel and what you mean! We ALL do! Trust me when I say that! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! We'll ALWAYS be here for you if you need it and we'll NEVER ABANDON YOU! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Just keep reaching out to us as much as you can if you need to and want to, ok? We'll be here waiting and we'll NEVER judge you! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Please keep us updated as much as you possibly can if you want to because we DO care about you and we DO want to know how things are turning up for you and if things are getting better for you and your kids! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME! Let us know how things are going for you, ok? We DO care about you! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES! Sending many hugs to you, Icedgem!!!!!

Originally Posted by Icedgem

I really do not like spending any time with my brother at all.

He's a few years older than me at 38.

Today at my parents (we haven't seen each other in about 3 weeks) he arrives and just barges past me in the kitchen purposely pushing me into the wall. When he walks back towards me he flicks his hand out to my face as if to hit me then flicks it back behind his head to imply he's fixing his hair. He laughs as I always flinch as he used to beat me when we were young.

I was playing with my kids and nephew (his son) and he comes barging in again and just messes up our game and turns on the TV and puts it up loud.

I get the kids together and we leave. I tell my parents I'm leaving because of him and my says 'well he's your brother'

Eugh.

Any advice to stop me totally lashing out at him next time?

How can I handle this behaviour

If you can, draw verbal boundaries with your brother about what you'll put up with from him, and what crosses your line, and the consequences. At first, he'll mock you for it, but if you remain steadfast and consistent he'll either concede and respect your verbal boundaries (the consequences are the dangling carrot to reward his good behavior around you), or he'll just ignore your verbal boundaries b/c he's a douche bag and then you'll need to decide if you are going to permanently estrange yourself from him.

I had to do that -- estrangement -- with my younger brother b/c after our father's funeral he physically beat me up in our childhood home then later dumped me by the side of the road on the road trip to our uncle's funeral and only returned an hour later to pick me up at his wife's behest.

My mother and sister refuse to acknowledge my boundaries with regard to being estranged from him -- so they constantly invalidate my feelings when I refuse to join them at family functions or holiday get togethers. Now, I am temporarily estranged from my sister b/c we are trying to put our mother into assisted care and she's undermining me at every step b/c she controls our mother's finances etc.

Just because you are related to someone doesn't require you to keep them in your life, if they turn out to be toxic to your well being. Sibling estrangement isn't that uncommon anymore. It's all about setting boundaries with the toxic family members in our lives. If they choose not to respect our boundaries, we are not obligated to put up with their continual abuse.

Am I sad about my sibling estrangement from both of my siblings? No. Just...disappointed. I'm nearly 50. I need to focus the rest of the time I have on earth making myself happy, and not constantly being drained by two siblings who don't like or respect their oldest sister.

I will miss being involved with their children, as their aunt. But that is all I'll miss out. Someday their children will either seek me out through online means or won't and I"ll be left out of their lives. It happens. What can I do I about it?

The Long-Term Effects of Adult Sibling Bullying

When Parents and Children Are Estranged

[seesaw]

I think s4ndm4n2006 gave really great advice. I would also say to remember that boundaries are for you to remember and enforce, not for them. You tell yourself, "my boundary is that if my brother behaves this way then I leave," and eventually he will get it or not, but it's for you to enforce, not a punishment for him. It's about what you will accept, not about rules you impose on others. Telling someone my boundaries never worked out in my favor. Just enforce your boundaries, eventually they get the drift on their own.

Your brother's behavior is abusive and unacceptable. You did exactly what I would have done, which is just leave. I also have a bullying brother who used to beat me when we were kids. Also some more violent things I won't go into. I have no contact or relationship with him. At family events, I stay away from him. I don't sit near him and if I see him coming, I walk away. My boundary is no contact, so I enforce it by not being around him.

Does it suck? Yes. But it also keeps me safe and I'm a lot happier not dealing with his abuse. I mean, the only thing that sucks about it is that there's an unwanted person in my sphere that I steer clear of. He's never going to be a good brother. I can't change him. So I mourned that and moved on.

Good for you for already realizing that just leaving is the best tactic. Your family will probably notice and try to guilt you. Stick to your guns. Just say, I'm not going to be around someone who behaves that way. Period.

Hope that helps.

Seesaw

[Icedgem]

Thanks for all the great advice.

I try to turn to my parents for help and guidance with things like this. I've even asked if they can have a word with him but they always say something like 'well you can't change him' or 'just ignore him, that who he is'. Yes, what they say is very true and I do take it on board but come on, I'd like someone to fight my corner a little and just maybe understand?

[Icedgem]

Jsut to add to that above, we've had family discussions about very similar things before, it's always to do with something I'm not happy about. We talk, parents get mad at me (?) Then my mum ends up crying and dad get even more made at me for making mum cry and nothing is resolved and it just pushes us further apart

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

Jsut to add to that above, we've had family discussions about very similar things before, it's always to do with something I'm not happy about. We talk, parents get mad at me (?) Then my mum ends up crying and dad get even more made at me for making mum cry and nothing is resolved and it just pushes us further apart

This is a form of abuse, frankly. They know his behavior is wrong but they don't want to deal with it, and so they blame it on you for having a problem and not wanting to be hurt.

It's fine if they don't want to help. Just keep walking away from him and putting distance between the two of you. Either one day he will want to know why you aren't close and you can be honest and say "cause you're a ****" or he won't and you'll have space and be happy.

[Icedgem]

Originally Posted by seesaw

This is a form of abuse, frankly. They know his behavior is wrong but they don't want to deal with it, and so they blame it on you for having a problem and not wanting to be hurt.

It's fine if they don't want to help. Just keep walking away from him and putting distance between the two of you. Either one day he will want to know why you aren't close and you can be honest and say "cause you're a ****" or he won't and you'll have space and be happy.

Thank you.

My family relationshipn is very strained. (I posted another thread today)

I would like to just cut most of them out. J feel awful for saying that but it's true. Yet I can't. They help me with my children which enables me to go to work. I feel in a bit of a pickle. If I don't contact any of them first then I won't hear from them

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

Thanks for all the great advice.

I try to turn to my parents for help and guidance with things like this. I've even asked if they can have a word with him but they always say something like 'well you can't change him' or 'just ignore him, that who he is'. Yes, what they say is very true and I do take it on board but come on, I'd like someone to fight my corner a little and just maybe understand?

parents in this situation are the worst people to talk to about it. Likely they are part of the dynamic that helped to encourage his behavior so that's why he is the way he is now in adulthood. whether they encouraged it actively or they did it by inaction - that is, not discouraging the bullying, either way his reward is that he was able to have free reign to bully others and knew his parents would not stop it.

They never saw it as a problem leading up to this point, why would you think they have any kind of wise insight as to what to do about it? They literally are ignorant to the fact that his behavior is bullying and abusive.

[Icedgem]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

parents in this situation are the worst people to talk to about it. Likely they are part of the dynamic that helped to encourage his behavior so that's why he is the way he is now in adulthood. whether they encouraged it actively or they did it by inaction - that is, not discouraging the bullying, either way his reward is that he was able to have free reign to bully others and knew his parents would not stop it.

They never saw it as a problem leading up to this point, why would you think they have any kind of wise insight as to what to do about it? They literally are ignorant to the fact that his behavior is bullying and abusive.

I'd like for them to say to him that how he behaves is not on and it make me feel like bit wanting to be around him but they wont

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

I'd like for them to say to him that how he behaves is not on and it make me feel like bit wanting to be around him but they wont

you have to find ways to deal with it yourself. your parents have proven they are not going to do anything to address it.

[Icedgem]

I know, I'll just continue what i'm doing

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry that your parents allow your brother to behave badly. Your brother already KNOWS your parents won't stop him or stand up to him so he will continue to behave badly and be this man child. It's pretty sad that your brother finds a need to be such a jerk to feel "revelant". Your parents are showing you that they don't know how to stand up to him. Telling you to put up with him and accept him for what he is is a copout.

What you need to do is sit your parents down and tell them flat out that if they can't set boundaries in their own home and stand up to him and show him that his behavior us rude and unacceptable then you will no longer visit them when your brother is around.

Your children need to know what to do when a bully is present.