[Bloody Queen]

My problem has been going on for years. My parents have a very low view of me as a person. I’m supposedly not compared to othersin my family but I hear why do you act like so and so. That’s what (insert name) would do. Why can’t you be like ——; they do ———. I could do that at your age why can’t you? It’s slowly eating at me and probably always will.
My favorites are when my parents give me what they say as a Statement but if I say it I’m to hard on myself or wrong. My favorite one was when I was a teen and my Dad told me I wouldn’t marry until after all my cousins. Thanks dad I’ll take that as a never on my part seeing as I am 27 and my youngest cousin is a few months old.
I tried talking to them about it however even when I state Im not mad or upset just hurt they are the victims. My family even backs them up. It’s always you know they love you. You were so much wanted you were adopted. I want to scream anymore at that saying. I’m adopted sure, however out of all three kids why was I the one forgotten at a park when I was eight? Why did I have to borrow another adults cell phone to remind them I was there? Why am I the child with the most broken promises? Why was I ashamed of my gender? My weight? My looks? My mind? My wants?

Why is it that even if I don’t want to I’ll give anybody anything they ask if they are willing to put up with me? Food, clothes, money, rides and other things people seem to want? Why is it that I am just now finding my two feet at 27 and not caring that I don’t have any friends?
The more I grow the more roots I seem to be missing. Apparently I hate myself and just want away from myself. That I’m a ugly human being I’m told. If that’s true why do I just find myself not caring anymore? Friends abandon me. ok. Family thinks I’m a no good? Ok. My parents think I hate myself and that I lie to them? Fine. I almost just hate talking to people anymore. Relationships suck, people are not worth it and I’m just tired of listening.

Is it so wrong I want to change my name, my phone number and move the heck away? I’m not even sure I want a human companion anymore. Animals listen and never judge.

[healingme4me]

When I go through periods of enormous loss, I historically also go through tremendous growth and change.
I acknowledge that you are dealing with loss, at the same time, yes...and yes, I can completely relate to wanting to cut ties and move past and distance myself from those that only serve to carry forth negativity, baggage, lack of compassion for me as an individual. Had a friend say something today....If They cannot embrace and understand you...then They aren't your people. That's a paraphrase...the embrace and understand and about sometimes people aren't willing to even try. They aren't your people.

[Iloivar]

Originally Posted by Bloody Queen

My problem has been going on for years. My parents have a very low view of me as a person. I’m supposedly not compared to othersin my family but I hear why do you act like so and so. That’s what (insert name) would do. Why can’t you be like ——; they do ———. I could do that at your age why can’t you? It’s slowly eating at me and probably always will.
My favorites are when my parents give me what they say as a Statement but if I say it I’m to hard on myself or wrong. My favorite one was when I was a teen and my Dad told me I wouldn’t marry until after all my cousins. Thanks dad I’ll take that as a never on my part seeing as I am 27 and my youngest cousin is a few months old.
I tried talking to them about it however even when I state Im not mad or upset just hurt they are the victims. My family even backs them up. It’s always you know they love you. You were so much wanted you were adopted. I want to scream anymore at that saying. I’m adopted sure, however out of all three kids why was I the one forgotten at a park when I was eight? Why did I have to borrow another adults cell phone to remind them I was there? Why am I the child with the most broken promises? Why was I ashamed of my gender? My weight? My looks? My mind? My wants?

Why is it that even if I don’t want to I’ll give anybody anything they ask if they are willing to put up with me? Food, clothes, money, rides and other things people seem to want? Why is it that I am just now finding my two feet at 27 and not caring that I don’t have any friends?
The more I grow the more roots I seem to be missing. Apparently I hate myself and just want away from myself. That I’m a ugly human being I’m told. If that’s true why do I just find myself not caring anymore? Friends abandon me. ok. Family thinks I’m a no good? Ok. My parents think I hate myself and that I lie to them? Fine. I almost just hate talking to people anymore. Relationships suck, people are not worth it and I’m just tired of listening.

Is it so wrong I want to change my name, my phone number and move the heck away? I’m not even sure I want a human companion anymore. Animals listen and never judge.

It's not wrong. You have a right to feel that way given how you've been treated. In fact, I'd encourage you to cut contact with them if you can. Is there anything that's preventing you from doing so?

So sorry you have been treated that way BloodyQueen. It was not your fault and you did not deserve it or cause it.

You say you were adopted? It's very unfortunate that you were not adopted by stable, emotionally intelligent parents who offered unconditional love.

If you decide to move away and never see them again, that is your choice. Is it wrong? Only you can determine that in the sense of whether it's the right thing for you. My belief is that parents typically receive the interactions from their adult children for which they laid a foundation (intentionally or unwittingly). Loving, accepting parents are more likely to receive love and acceptance from their grown children. Unpleasant and judgmental parents are more likely to have unpleasant or zero interactions with their adult children. That is not the fault of the adult child; it's just reality.

I would not tell you what to do because I am not you and don't live your life. I would recommend perhaps talking the whole situation over with a therapist. Not for him/her to tell you what to do but for support. At the very least, I think you probably need some time and distance away from your family. Your priority needs to be your wellness and happiness. They can sort their own lives out. You don't owe them anything.

Do I understand why you're considering zero contact? Absolutely.
Peace, hope, and a bright future to you...whatever you decide to do

[Bloody Queen]

Originally Posted by Iloivar

It's not wrong. You have a right to feel that way given how you've been treated. In fact, I'd encourage you to cut contact with them if you can. Is there anything that's preventing you from doing so?

It’s my family. My entire Family. I am horrible at making friends. Also even though they don’t treat me right I want to believe that a few of them still love me.

Originally Posted by Bloody Queen

It’s my family. My entire Family. I am horrible at making friends. Also even though they don’t treat me right I want to believe that a few of them still love me.

I think this is important insight BloodyQueen. If you cut off your family entirely, you don't actually have anyone to replace them with. Your family may indeed love you but have no idea how to show that in healthy and supportive ways because they were not raised by healthy and supportive parents. I don't think this is a black-and-white/all-or-nothing situation.

I think it could take time and therapy for you to arrive at a decision which feels tolerable and safe for you. Are you open to talking with a therapist who specializes in family dysfunction? Anyone could tell you to just leave and end all contact but you would be the one to live with the outcomes of that decision...be they acceptable outcomes for you or not.

Your instinct (which I recommend you trust) seems to be telling you two truths:
- you need some space from your family with clear boundaries
- total estrangement feels too drastic for you right now

If I misunderstood, please feel free to correct me. I have done a lot of reading on this topic because I also have an unhealthy family. Have you looked at the psych research? Maybe that's another place for you to start?

As I said, I wouldn't tell you 'you should do this or that' because I don't live in your shoes and deal with your life. I support you regardless of what choice you make. I think the key is to truly get in touch with what you want and that may also change over time....and sometimes we need help from a therapist to figure that out. These family problems are complex and tend to run very deep. They are confusing and painful in a way that can be hard to convey. You are understandably feeling quite ambivalent. At least that's how it comes across to me.

Peace to you