I splurged and bought my self stuff online this morning and I feel guilty.

Long story short... my daughter and her husband have expectations that I give them expensive gifts and money. I’m supposed to be buying stuff for them and their baby. Not for me.

I’m not allowed to give the baby a nickname. I must call him by his name or the nickname they gave him. I never give any advice. I never ask questions anymore. I literally do as I am told in every way.

The other grandma lives with them. My son-in-law financially supports her. She can give advice and it’s ok. She can call the baby whatever nickname she wants. There are no rules. She does whatever she wants.

There is no place for me in the baby’s life. My only role is for money and things.

Since I work full time I have plenty of money... and if I was a good mother and grandmother I would give a lot of it to them...

I did give nice gifts and money at first... there weren’t really any acknowledgements... not much of a thank you. I was told about the lavish gifts others gave them and clearly mine did not measure up.

I was expected to take them out for expensive birthday dinners... once again I Failed.... the birthday meal and cake I made at home was scoffed at. Literally. There was eye rolling.

I was not the best mom. I know that. I’ve made several attempts to apologize. I was too controlling and made too many demands. I put high standards on myself and others. I regret this.

I don’t give advice or control or make demands anymore. I never argue. I don’t pry. I follow all of their rules.

But I will always pay the price.

I did good things as a mom too though. I gave all my money and time... always gave whatever I had first to my daughter. I did always put my own needs last. I spent lots of time with her. Always there after school, played games, talked and laughed a lot, allowed friends over and took them all places... I did good things too... But I do recognize the mistakes.

But I feel selfish now. Now I spend my time and money how I want... On myself and my volunteer work. Haven’t done anything for them in several months... I just don’t want to.... but that’s not what good mothers and grandmothers do....

I don’t have much but I’ve worked hard for many years.

But I feel guilty. I punish myself just as hard as my daughter punishes me.

[TunedOut]

Sorry for this sadness. You may always have it and have to learn to accept it and focus on other things in your life. She is your daughter and grandchild so, of course, the sadness will always be there and pop up at times.

You may have just been raised to be a giver rather than a taker and/or that was the temperament you were born with and will always have to deal with this tendency. Perhaps that you were a giver taught your daughter to be more of a taker and or the "taking/entitlement" is part of her temperament. It is what it is.

If I was to go back in time, I would change some things about my parenting style to. I was so unaware of how my moods might have effected them though I had developed many coping mechanisms as a child like exercising to release my frustrations and getting up during the wee hours of the night in order to have time to plan my day. I buried so much of what bothered me until it started causing me to have a nervous breakdown. If I had gone to therapy when my kids were young, I might have made less mistakes.

We can't change the past. My POV is to try to spend that money mostly on yourself. I also spend money on my children to ease my guilt. I do think you should always buy something small for that grandchild on their B-day so they know you are thinking of them. Otherwise, work on letting go and enjoying small moments in life. Sometimes you may cry about it all too! I am sorry it is so painful. You did the best you could at the time. None of us are perfect.

Originally Posted by TunedOut

Sorry for this sadness. You may always have it and have to learn to accept it and focus on other things in your life. She is your daughter and grandchild so, of course, the sadness will always be there and pop up at times.


You may have just been raised to be a giver rather than a taker and/or that was the temperament you were born with and will always have to deal with this tendency. Perhaps that you were a giver taught your daughter to be more of a taker and or the "taking/entitlement" is part of her temperament. It is what it is.


If I was to go back in time, I would change some things about my parenting style to. I was so unaware of how my moods might have effected them though I had developed many coping mechanisms as a child like exercising to release my frustrations and getting up during the wee hours of the night in order to have time to plan my day. I buried so much of what bothered me until it started causing me to have a nervous breakdown. If I had gone to therapy when my kids were young, I might have made less mistakes.


We can't change the past. My POV is to try to spend that money mostly on yourself. I also spend money on my children to ease my guilt. I do think you should always buy something small on his/her B-day for that grandchild so that she knows you are thinking of her. Otherwise, work on letting go and enjoying small moments in life. Sometimes you may cry about it all too! I am sorry it is so painful. You did the best you could at the time. None of us are perfect.

Thank you.

I do wish I had realized many things about myself earlier on... I did see a counselor for a year but somehow still did not see things.... I wish I could change many things...

I will continue to give gifts to the baby at special occasions... or whenever I want... the key for me is giving gifts because I want and not because I feel obligated.... It might be easier when he is older and the gifts can go straight to him from me.

[metalchick]

They are lucky to have you in their lives. Many people dont have their parents around. I would take a home cooked meal any day over a gift. That is truly from the heart. They should not expect expensive gifts from anyone. You have your life to live too. I am sad they wont let you be part of the baby's life. That is not fair to either one of you. We all make mistakes as parents...one size does not fit all. Maybe one day they will realize thier mistakes and how lucky they are to have family that loves them. Please dont be so hard on yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I splurged and bought my self stuff online this morning and I feel guilty.

Long story short... my daughter and her husband have expectations that I give them expensive gifts and money. I’m supposed to be buying stuff for them and their baby. Not for me.

I’m not allowed to give the baby a nickname. I must call him by his name or the nickname they gave him. I never give any advice. I never ask questions anymore. I literally do as I am told in every way.

The other grandma lives with them. My son-in-law financially supports her. She can give advice and it’s ok. She can call the baby whatever nickname she wants. There are no rules. She does whatever she wants.

There is no place for me in the baby’s life. My only role is for money and things.

Since I work full time I have plenty of money... and if I was a good mother and grandmother I would give a lot of it to them...

I did give nice gifts and money at first... there weren’t really any acknowledgements... not much of a thank you. I was told about the lavish gifts others gave them and clearly mine did not measure up.

I was expected to take them out for expensive birthday dinners... once again I Failed.... the birthday meal and cake I made at home was scoffed at. Literally. There was eye rolling.

I was not the best mom. I know that. I’ve made several attempts to apologize. I was too controlling and made too many demands. I put high standards on myself and others. I regret this.

I don’t give advice or control or make demands anymore. I never argue. I don’t pry. I follow all of their rules.

But I will always pay the price.

I did good things as a mom too though. I gave all my money and time... always gave whatever I had first to my daughter. I did always put my own needs last. I spent lots of time with her. Always there after school, played games, talked and laughed a lot, allowed friends over and took them all places... I did good things too... But I do recognize the mistakes.

But I feel selfish now. Now I spend my time and money how I want... On myself and my volunteer work. Haven’t done anything for them in several months... I just don’t want to.... but that’s not what good mothers and grandmothers do....

I don’t have much but I’ve worked hard for many years.

But I feel guilty. I punish myself just as hard as my daughter punishes me.

Hi Sisabel. I am sorry your heart is heavy. Personally, I think your splurging sounds wonderful! You earned it. You aren't taking someone else's money. Why shouldn't you buy yourself nice things?

Okay, even if there were problems in your history with your daughter that is NO excuse for demanding gifts or eye-rolling when a lovely cake is offered. if someone made me a homemade cake I would feel honored!

Your daughter is over 18, right? You may not agree but in my view you do not owe her anything now that she's an adult. At this point, time or gifts may be offered but that is entirely up to the one who offers. And this should be met with good manners at the very least.

I don't know if this helps but you have my support. Unchecked guilt can be like a weight around one's spirit. I struggle with too much guilt myself. I believe there are ways to change that though.

Give yourself a break, will you? The past is the past. That's where it is going to stay no matter what. Past hurts do not authorize someone to torment another person in the present. I do not have a good relationship with my mother but I want her to have peace and joy. I've no desire to punish or embarrass her....that's just not okay. Keep looking after yourself. Imagine a bright future.

Oh dear Sisabel. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You gave your daughter a most precious thing in life that a mother can give to their child: love and attention. No mother is perfect. My own mother gave me a LOT in life, yet I see her flaws and mistakes too. I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I don't think it's fair or right what your daughter and her husband are expecting of you. These rules also seem very rigid and unfair. I don't blame you for how you feel you want to spend your own money. That's your prerogative. Honestly, she sounds demanding of you and unappreciative, if I may say so. I am very sorry for your heavy heart today. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself a big hug and a healthy dose of self-compassion. You are a very good and caring person.

[MickeyCheeky]

Please don't be so hard on yourself, Sisabel! You've been a good mother! I'm sure of that! You did the best you could and that's what matters! After all you were still able to provide ALL the basic necessities for your children, like food, school and, most importantly, Love. Everyone make mistakes but please don't beat yourself over it, ok? It casn happen! As far as you giving them money and gifts, that's YOUR DECISION! I feel like you don't really owe them anything especially if they're being ungrateful to you and won't even let you be involved in their baby's dalife! Just buy some simple gifts during the important occasions but don't expect too much out of them! Like I've said, they're NOT ENTITLED to any gifts or money from you! Just be kind to yourself? No need to feel guilty! You're not doing anything wrong! Take GREAT care of yourself! You'll find support here! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Take GREAT car eof yourself, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please be kind to yourself! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm AND WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, SISABLE, JUST LIKE YOU ARE!

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Hi Sisabel. I am sorry your heart is heavy. Personally, I think your splurging sounds wonderful! You earned it. You aren't taking someone else's money. Why shouldn't you buy yourself nice things?


Okay, even if there were problems in your history with your daughter that is NO excuse for demanding gifts or eye-rolling when a lovely cake is offered. if someone made me a homemade cake I would feel honored!


Your daughter is over 18, right? You may not agree but in my view you do not owe her anything now that she's an adult. At this point, time or gifts may be offered but that is entirely up to the one who offers. And this should be met with good manners at the very least.


I don't know if this helps but you have my support. Unchecked guilt can be like a weight around one's spirit. I struggle with too much guilt myself. I believe there are ways to change that though.


Give yourself a break, will you? The past is the past. That's where it is going to stay no matter what. Past hurts do not authorize someone to torment another person in the present. I do not have a good relationship with my mother but I want her to have peace and joy. I've no desire to punish or embarrass her....that's just not okay. Keep looking after yourself. Imagine a bright future.

Thank you. She’s almost 30 now. I need to let this go but it creeps back up on me from time to time.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Oh dear Sisabel. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You gave your daughter a most precious thing in life that a mother can give to their child: love and attention. No mother is perfect. My own mother gave me a LOT in life, yet I see her flaws and mistakes too. I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I don't think it's fair or right what your daughter and her husband are expecting of you. These rules also seem very rigid and unfair. I don't blame you for how you feel you want to spend your own money. That's your prerogative. Honestly, she sounds demanding of you and unappreciative, if I may say so. I am very sorry for your heavy heart today. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself a big hug and a healthy dose of self-compassion. You are a very good and caring person.

Thank you. The rules are very rigid. I am amazed at how the other grandma can say and do as she pleases and I am held to a much higher standard. I do need to learn self compassion. Some days it creeps up on me and I feel very sad.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Please don't be so hard on yourself, Sisabel! You've been a good mother! I'm sure of that! You did the best you could and that's what matters! After all you were still able to provide ALL the basic necessities for your children, like food, school and, most importantly, Love. Everyone make mistakes but please don't beat yourself over it, ok? It casn happen! As far as you giving them money and gifts, that's YOUR DECISION! I feel like you don't really owe them anything especially if they're being ungrateful to you and won't even let you be involved in their baby's dalife! Just buy some simple gifts during the important occasions but don't expect too much out of them! Like I've said, they're NOT ENTITLED to any gifts or money from you! Just be kind to yourself? No need to feel guilty! You're not doing anything wrong! Take GREAT care of yourself! You'll find support here! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Take GREAT car eof yourself, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please be kind to yourself! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm AND WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, SISABLE, JUST LIKE YOU ARE!

Thank you. You’re so very kind. You are right that gifts are gifts and others aren’t entitled to take what they want. Thank you for the hugs.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Thank you. She’s almost 30 now. I need to let this go but it creeps back up on me from time to time.

Of course if creeps back up on you at times. You are human! A precious one at that! Don't forget it

[Open Eyes]

I did good things as a mom too though. I gave all my money and time... always gave whatever I had first to my daughter. I did always put my own needs last. I spent lots of time with her. Always there after school, played games, talked and laughed a lot, allowed friends over and took them all places... I did good things too... But I do recognize the mistakes.

You ended up with a daughter that is very entitled. This can happen when you give your child too much unfortunately. You did the best you could, it's not easy to raise a child and we all make mistakes.

You can't change her now either, she likes to guilt trip you and look down on you. The best thing you can do is distance even though that might hurt. She has to grow up, you don't owe her anything either. She is an adult now and should be taking care of herself.

You sound like you have come to believe that you have to be a codependent and allow her to control you and guilt trip you. Well, you really don't have to be a codependent and you should not be feeling guilt about taking care of your OWN needs for a change.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You ended up with a daughter that is very entitled. This can happen when you give your child too much unfortunately. You did the best you could, it's not easy to raise a child and we all make mistakes.


You can't change her now either, she likes to guilt trip you and look down on you. The best thing you can do is distance even though that might hurt. She has to grow up, you don't owe her anything either. She is an adult now and should be taking care of herself.


You sound like you have come to believe that you have to be a codependent and allow her to control you and guilt trip you. Well, you really don't have to be a codependent and you should not be feeling guilt about taking care of your OWN needs for a change.

Yes. I have done all of that. In some ways I was too strict and controlling and in others I was too indulgent. I know I can’t change it now. I work through the grief and the feelings of guilt... and the sadness... but I am very, very careful now in what I do and say.

[saidso]

At 30 your daughter has her own lessons to learn - give her time and limits to get there! That's what a boss once told me about an obnoxious, young, very attractive colleague: give it enough time and things turn around. Easier said that done.

At 60 I am learning also! I get hit by unfathomable anxiety attacks when I try to change life-long behaviours. Nothing conscious but something from the deeper nervous system. It takes an extreme amount of self-compassion and external support to get through them - but no way am I going to die still limited by that stuff.

So I think it might be expected that you will feel an inner backlash after splurging, or even feel sad that what you want is love and kindness not material things. Your anger is a signal that something needs to be done, but - I spent all yesterday feeling anxious because someone had gone out of their way to help me - "why are I not getting things done, why am I so anxious" - but the feeling was so strong that I had to accept and ride it out.

Hugs your way Sisabel. There are tough periods in life, and then later you will find that it was worth the work.

Originally Posted by saidso

At 30 your daughter has her own lessons to learn - give her time and limits to get there! That's what a boss once told me about an obnoxious, young, very attractive colleague: give it enough time and things turn around. Easier said that done.


At 60 I am learning also! I get hit by unfathomable anxiety attacks when I try to change life-long behaviours. Nothing conscious but something from the deeper nervous system. It takes an extreme amount of self-compassion and external support to get through them - but no way am I going to die still limited by that stuff.


So I think it might be expected that you will feel an inner backlash after splurging, or even feel sad that what you want is love and kindness not material things. Your anger is a signal that something needs to be done, but - I spent all yesterday feeling anxious because someone had gone out of their way to help me - "why are I not getting things done, why am I so anxious" - but the feeling was so strong that I had to accept and ride it out.


Hugs your way Sisabel. There are tough periods in life, and then later you will find that it was worth the work.

Thank you Saidso. Life does bring some tough times and some sad times. I agree that it’s worth the work. I’m so grateful I can come to PC and talk through this stuff. Just reading everyone’s comments and then re-reading my own posts gives me a great deal of insight... and with that comes some peace. So yes, the work is worth it.

[healingme4me]

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the part where your daughter would not express excitement and joy for you gifting to yourself something for yourself.

Oh My Word....my sons are not yet adults and the thought that I might get something in the midst of all they get is met with delight.

Time to self sooth that negative tape that's coming from somewhere