Intimacy Problems

I only recently realized that I have intimacy problems and ten had another realization around what a loveless childhood I'd had, how I literally never saw my parents display a single moment of intimacy or affection for one another.

I hadn't realized how toxic this was until I examined it at my therapist's last week. What a crushing, devastating moment that was. How was I ever supposed to formulate a loving relationship in adulthood when I had absolutely nothing to work with? I've been inventing love as I went along, using my limited experience in this area, usually badly.

And I've had problems with every romantic attachment I've ever entered into. They start out well but eventually I find myself shutting down my and distancing myself from my partner. It's destroyed one good marriage and another incredibly meaningful relationship.

I have to find a way to stop this. I want to so badly. I'm a passionate, loving, gentle man who loves love. Does anyone have advice?

I'm sure it was devastating, but now you understand why you're behaving the way you do. You realize what you've been missing, so now you know what to look for in order to improve yourself. Best way to do that is to observe others and to ask. Our parents are not our only models for behavior.

That was the first step, sama3033! Now that you've acknowledged the cause you can start working on the coping skills that are necessary and on the best solution for yourself like theoretical has already wisely said better than I ever could! Trust me when I say that you're doing GREAT by taking these steps! They're not easy but they will be worth it in the end! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, sama3033!

I agree with the two other posters, much respect and hugs.

PS my parental units were what you stated (and much more). I have had some abusive relationships with users and abusers who groomed me etc .... I do not need my fur groomed by abusers. Now I have a loving marriage with Papa bear. I have much belief you will also find a lasting loving relationship and will be able to make the necessary changes. Please keep us updated. Many of us here have big, attentive ears.

You sound like a lovely person and I send you gentle hugs.