Venting: conversations with toxic people

I wonder how much of the BS excuses are laziness verses not valuing/loving you (neither is good but laziness is a bad habit that is easier to overcome than dislike)? Why didn't he let you go if he doesn't love you? I struggle all of the time with how much of my problems are a genetic mental health problem verses problems that are caused by the behaviors of myself or others. It is really hard to sort out because each effects the other. You seem to have anxiety and depression like I do from my POV. Maybe it was 100 percent caused by your environment but if some of it is just innate then your psych drugs will help. It is harder to be loving in a positive way when we have been beaten down by depression and/or stress. Depresion/anxiety verses stress--this is alot like the discussion of which came first--the chicken or the egg....

I am currently in a toxic relationship and I can’t do it anymore. The gaslighting has me questioning everything I say and feel. I’m too “sensitive” he says, he’s just giving me “constructive criticism”. The worst part of it all, I am becoming just as toxic as he is and he loves it.

I’m sorry to just jump in here without a proper introduction but it feels good to voice some of this.

Tell him to take his ‘constructive criticism’ and shove it! . If he won’t stop, you can get out.

@willaneil You bring up a good point about becoming toxic to deal with the toxic person. I went through great pain in the past trying to get nasty people to treat me better. Now I just accept it and stay away from them.

I rack my brain, obsessing over why they are not treating me right. That’s the hardest part for me, the ruminating over why it is a bad relationship. The bottom line is, for whatever reason, they don’t really like me that much or respect me.

It’s been extremely hard to accept this because some of this toxic behavior came from close family members who have also acted very lovingly. It’s very confusing and I still haven’t figured it out tbh.

I suppose it’s possible to be loving sometimes and very unloving other times?

Thank you so much for this, you made me laugh! I am getting out. I haven’t spoken to him for 2 days. It’s been very hard because I do miss him but really I what I miss is how he was at the beginning. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I just have to hold steady because while he’s giving me space right now, it won’t last.

Unfortunately toxic people don’t know how to respect anyone. It’s not your fault at all. We just have to distance ourselves or even cut off all contact. I can’t take the rollercoaster ride anymore. He’s nice and complimentary one minute and then tearing me down the next. I then find myself tearing into him in return and he feeds off it. Time to take the power back.

I’m glad I helped lighten this with a little humor!

Good for you. It sounds like you’ve got this and are doing the right thing for yourself.

You are right to realize he will try to ‘hoover’ you back in. Have you read about narcissism? I’m not implying anyone has any disorder, but it gives great insight into what you describe.

Best to you!