[La Gitana]

Event 1 - It started when my mother said that she was bringing my two-year-old son a dog for a week. My aunt was going out of town and needed a dog sitter. My mom volunteered me without asking, which honestly didn't bother me.

Event 2 - Friday was my 30th birthday. I was getting my son ready to spend the day with him. My mom showed up with my 3-year-old niece to collect the dog to take back to my aunt. My son wanted to go with them. I said okay, I could use a "me day" anyways.

Event 3 - I was on my way home from shopping, and mom called telling me to come pick up my son. When I got to her house, she was complaining about my dad, saying that he had been in a bad mood for the past couple of days and that the kids were getting in his nerves. It was clear they were also getting on her nerves. At one point my niece screamed loudly and my mom even said she was going to put tape on her mouth if she want quiet (she treats my son better than my niece). She told me to take my niece home. I told her that I could not because I only had one car seat. She told me just to strap her in. I told her that was illegal and I would not, especially without talking to her parents. Do she then told me to take her car and she would bring mine back later. I told her I did not want to take her car, I wanted mind because I had shopping bags. She got very irritated and said, "nevermind. I'll just do it myself." She was very unpleasant about it. I took my son and left.

Event 4 - She messaged me the next night and asked if I wanted to go out for my birthday dinner. I saw it as a peace offering and agreed. We agreed on 12:00 the next day. At 11:30 she showed up at my house. I had already showered and was trying to clean my house (because I try to avoid her criticism). My son was not dressed so she started to get him ready, which is fine. She told me she couldn't find and of his sandals. I couldnt either so I just grabbed a pair of tennis shoes. Immediately she started scolding me in a huffy, irritated voice. "I put alot of money into those shoes!" (She had bought him 3 pairs at the beginning of summer). I told her that she could stop buying him shoes because I was more than capable of buying him shoes. She then said "well that's not the point. It's really annoying when we are trying to leave and we can't find his shoes." And I said that no one told her to come over early to help. At this point it dawned on me that I didn't have to listen to this. I told her that my son and I were going to stay home. And she left.

I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I am in a bad mood now and I feel guilty.

[La Gitana]

I need to set boundaries, but somehow my mom turns herself into the victim, and I always feel guilty

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand what you mean, La Gitana! It seems like you have a rather difficult relationship with your mother. Some of her comments may passo off as judgements towards you and she doesn't seem to respect your boundaries too much. Is it possible for you to go to a therapist? I feel like that may help you a lot. Just some thoughts for you. Please hang in there. Try to stand up to her and to say "No" when you don't want to do something. You have every right tho say that as you're an adult now. Sending peace and love and many warm and wonderful hugs to you, La Gitana!

[hvert]

Would she really put tape on your niece? She doesn't sound like someone I'd want to leave my kid with between that and the car seat.

You're right, you have nothing to feel guilty over. You set a nice boundary by telling her that you were going to stay home instead of going out with her. Someone on here once recommended a book to me called 'Boundaries' by Cloud and Townsend. The book is religious. I'm not religious myself, but I got quite a lot out of the book anyway. Another good book is 'How to say no without feeling guilty.' Boundaries are hard, especially when we were brought up with mothers who had no boundaries which makes a lack of boundaries seem normal to us. As you set more and more boundaries, the guilt starts to go away but it can be really hard at first.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like your mother lacks the patience when it comes to dealing with others, including her grandchildren. You should not have to stress about your house when she comes to visit, or that you could not seem to find the shoes for your son and just put what you could find on him. You are a busy mother with a three year old and three year olds can be a challenge to keep up with., Your house is not going to always be perfectly clean or in perfect order. Also, it sounds like when your mother's patience has worn out she just wants the problem gone and expects others to hop in when she feels things are not going HER way.

It's been a lot of years since your mother had the responsibilty of a three year old child. Also, she needs to learn that you are going to run your home the way you want and her role now is to RESPECT that and make sure that when she comes into your home and your world that what is more important is that you don't feel a need to PLEASE her with a clean house and running things according to her anymore.

[sarahsweets]

I applaud you for setting boundaries- the trick will be continuing to set them and stick to them. Since you can only change how you act and not your mom I recommend thinking about not reacting to her. Even when you feel like you are burning inside, keep your voice neutral and state your wishes. If she acts a certain way and you choose to not be with her (like your birthday) maybe consider a follow up. " We are going to stay home because i am uncomfortable with what you are doing. The next time we get together I hope this does not happen but if it does I will have to stay home again". It sort of says what you mean and sets up some expectations.