[AmyCake]

i have been married for 3 years. after 3 years now, my husband and i often get into arguments that we quarrel about the stupidest thing. but the problem is, whenever we get into argument, my husband has this bad temper problem and often ask for a divorce, whenever, i hear that, i respond hysterically and would start having suicidal thoughts. - i had mild depression issues in the past, but recovered. it seems that the word "divorce" triggers my behavior. i have told him not to mention the word divorce and to work on his anger management problems but things do not change. i have suggested that we go for marriage counselling together but he rejects the idea as well. i m just feel so tired and meaningless about life nowadays.

[sarahsweets]

Whipping out the "divorce card" is a form of emotional abuse IMO. I know its not the same as him verbally slaying you or being physically violent but its totally a cop out way to deflect and avoid a real discussion or whatever it is that you are arguing about.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Whipping out the "divorce card" is a form of emotional abuse IMO. I know its not the same as him verbally slaying you or being physically violent but its totally a cop out way to deflect and avoid a real discussion or whatever it is that you are arguing about.

It's exactly the same. Abuse is abuse. To the OP, get help, either in marriage counseling or from somewhere

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by AmyCake

i have been married for 3 years. after 3 years now, my husband and i often get into arguments that we quarrel about the stupidest thing. but the problem is, whenever we get into argument, my husband has this bad temper problem and often ask for a divorce, whenever, i hear that, i respond hysterically and would start having suicidal thoughts. - i had mild depression issues in the past, but recovered. it seems that the word "divorce" triggers my behavior. i have told him not to mention the word divorce and to work on his anger management problems but things do not change. i have suggested that we go for marriage counselling together but he rejects the idea as well. i m just feel so tired and meaningless about life nowadays.

Maybe you need to just go to counselling/therapy yourself to learn skills you need to deal with someone who has anger management issues & with throwing the "divorce" card at you every time you have a disagreement. Sometimes when we become more healthy in the way we respond the other person learns to respect us more also. Sometimes it helps if they aren't already so broken & refuse to get tje help they need

[Twinmama831]

I relate getting the suicidal thoughts too when my husband does it. I dont know if he is gaslighting me. Try to get mentally stronger as a person, because husbands like this come back around again with another verbal beating. Ask yourself if this marriage is worth your self worth? Your husband hasnt changed in 3 years and without counseling wont. Im preaching to the choir.

Originally Posted by AmyCake

i have been married for 3 years. after 3 years now, my husband and i often get into arguments that we quarrel about the stupidest thing. but the problem is, whenever we get into argument, my husband has this bad temper problem and often ask for a divorce, whenever, i hear that, i respond hysterically and would start having suicidal thoughts. - i had mild depression issues in the past, but recovered. it seems that the word "divorce" triggers my behavior.

i have told him not to mention the word divorce and to work on his anger management problems but things do not change. i have suggested that we go for marriage counselling together but he rejects the idea as well. i m just feel so tired and meaningless about life nowadays.

Before you got married, did you share your history of sexual abuse by a family member with your husband? Did he show you empathy or was he dismissive of your feelings?

The fact that he clearly ignores your clearly communicated boundaries to him -- that the word 'divorce' triggers a negative emotional response in you -- tells me that deep down, he really doesn't respect you as a human being. What he's doing, is definitely a form of emotional abuse.

And, it's insidious if he's doing it, KNOWING that you have issues from your history of sexual abuse from your childhood, which creates trauma that never goes away but the symptoms can be managed. He's intentionally triggering you b/c he is an immature, psychologically manipulative jerk, anytime he verbally abuses you.

If he won't go to marriage counseling, I would think about seeking counseling for yourself so that you can determine if this marriage is one you want to invest in long-term, or find an escape plan for. After all, 3 years is long enough to know if the person you're with is good for you or not. And if not, better to divorce NOW than stay in an abusive, unhealthy, toxic marriage.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I hope you can find your way out of it.

I’m sure this is terribly hurtful for you. Is it possible to have a talk with him about why he says he wants a divorce when he’s angry? I’m wondering if you can each discuss it objectively, without getting upset but with the intention of finding a solution? Emotions aren’t logical or rational. Maybe if you guys can figure out what triggers this behavior you can diffuse it. Also, maybe if he can truly see how he’s hurting you that would also help. It wouldn’t help to argue over it or guilt one another though. A counselor could really help you guys with this. Maybe if you guys have a few heartfelt talks he would come around to the idea of counseling? Or just schedule the appointment and say you’re going with or without him?

[AmyCake]

Hi everyone,

I am really grateful and thankful for your feedback. i am currently going for counselling for myself but he doesnt want to go. yes, it does feel like abuse again, because again, i m being put in the "powerless" situation and abuse cycle

[Open Eyes]

Sometimes we pick a partner that seems strong and we feel that person can help us feel "safe". This is especially true if a person suffered from some kind of abuse and subconsciously looks for a presence that is dominant thinking that will help them be protected and safe. UNFORTUNATELY, often this dominant individual is actually toxic, abusive, and selfish and intrusive and as you are experiencing "if you don't give me my way you will be rejected" comes out. This feeling of powerlessness is definitely a red flag that you are in a relationship with a dominant individual who tends to do and say things to make others feel powerless in order to have things THEIR WAY. It's also a big red flag when this person has no interest in reaching out for help in that this individual has no interest in changing but instead needs everyone else to change and just give into them.

Given how he responds with threatening divorce and how you describe feeling including feeling suicidal, it's probably the HEALTHIEST thing for you to "get the divorce" instead of having that held over you. Therapy should be about finding out "why" you give into a person that is so controlling and punishes you for having your OWN needs.