[Strike2]

Hey everyone,

I'm mainly here to try and gain some perspective on what happened, so that I could work on controls to prevent anything like what haplened from ever occurring again. So, to elaborate:
I went through my first 10 year marriage, having been together about 9 months before. Long story short, it was not a happy one for either of us. After marriage, she became controlling, emotionally confrontational, and much less affectionate. As a result, I turned to pornography, online forums, and eventually cheated on her multiple times, though never to start a relationship on the side. It ended with a big physical fight between the two of us, a separation of 1 year, where I instigated the divorce.

After 3 months of being separated, I met another woman. She was going through a divorce as well, and her husband had cheated on her multiple times, starting when she was pregnant. We ended up spending 5 years together, with her son (now 13), and getting married in January this year. The last 3 years, I was struggling with not being happy with the amount of affection she was showing, the growing amount of time she was spending away from us (either with sport hobbies or isolating herself in her home office), and the lack of communication. At the end of May, after 2 weeks of her giving me a silent treatment, I ask her to really sit down and talk, and she responds one night to say that she hasn't loved me for some time and cannot imagine us being together. I blew up after a day of waiting for more of an explanation, but apologized after a few days, expressing my desire to try and stay together (emotions up and down constantly, shifting between strongly expressing anger and regret for not being what she wanted).


Along with that, she expresses that she doesn't ever want a long-term relationship, but wants to share common interests with other friends, and feel free to spend time with them. At the same time, she had been going to dinners more often with these friends, and was acting strange, especially in being vague about these friends (but visibly happier). So, acting on my suspicions, I looked at her phone and found texts with one man since April. Thousands of texts, largely just talking about common interests, but then by mid-May, they start flirting with each other. She gives him pet names, he responds with playful pushes and emojis, and they talk about hugs, dinners, and trying to introduce him to her son without me around. I left the house that day after confronting her. Couldn't sleep for the next two nights, had a panic attack and had to take sleeping pills (over the counter), couldn't eat without feeling sick for those days. And my mood swings grew worse.

We had never really fought before. Closest we came was raising our voices a bit, and a directed curse word maybe twice, but then again she grew distant after our first year together. Then this happens, and she treats me like she doesn't have a care in the world for me, and never did (not just a lack of love, but of any concern). She showed more concern about how I invaded her privacy, even though she mentioned years ago that we should share our lives openly (she gave me her phone password then). She said that the now would choose protecting her friends over being social with me.

So, after the breakup, I saw a therapist. I have my own issues with her, but she was trying to give recommendations on giving space to my wife, but had also wanted me to stay in the house with her. This was before I found out about the guy, and it was very hard to do both of these things for me even then. After finding the texts, she said that I overreacted, that I should have stayed, and I let my emotions get the better of me. I was living out of pocket in temporary lodging, so I thought it better to move away from everything and start new (having sold or thrown away most everything), but she convinced me to stay. Then I went through an increasingly depressive state, to the point where I thought to end my life...and the therapist responded that I was too argumentitive, didn't respond to her suggestions by following through (she wanted me to run more and stop any and all communication with my wife, and I just couldn't stop, with my loss of emotional control), and recommended terminating the sessions with her.

That's where I am now, after about 2 weeks. I haven't corresponded with my wife for over a week now, but I spend every day talking with her son (whose father hasn't been in the picture since he was about 3, and he really wants to spend more time with me, even though I wasn't the best father figure before the breakup). We are both on vacation now, me in Germany and him with family in Japan, and he tells me how she doesn't call so much...but when she did at 10pm, she had someone over, who she told her son was a 'customer' or just someone at the door (he wasn't really clear, and I really didn't want to hear anything more about it). She has never apologized for anything, and she stated that she never did anything that was cheating (just having fun, 'pretending because we both know nothing will happen,' were her words; he had a girlfriend, which they had discussed after she dressed up real nice for on one of these dinners to give him a card expressing her feelings for him).

Can anyone tell me they've gone through something similar, and come out the other side a better person? I've given up hope on my wife, am getting a divorce, and never want to hear from her again (ironically she is a therapist herself, but gave me more of the silent treatment after the breakup, which I told her just made me more upset and aggravated the situation...but, yeah). She lets me talk with her son and spend time with him still (possibly just to be free of him, because she never spent much of any time with him over the years), but I have decided to move to Seattle with friends and a better job opportunity. I'm 40 now, and I just can't see myself doing another relationship at all after all this. I understand to give it time, but seriously, I have no desire to try and be happy for me now. The two of them were my life, my family, more than my immediate relatives...I feel like I'm only living now to not make other people unhappy (should I want to end life), or be a burden to others. Thanks for taking the time to read everything.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Strike2: Welcome to Psych Central. At the beginning of your post, you wrote you were here: "to try and gain some perspective on what happened". I don't think that is something I can really offer you. However, since this is your first post, I thought I would at least welcome you. Perhaps there will be other PC members who will feel they have some insights they can share regarding what occurred.

In the meantime, here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

How To Deal With Depression After Divorce: 5 Actionable Tips

7 Ways to Beat Depression After a Divorce

5 Helpful Ways to Cope With Post-Divorce Depression

The Differences in Divorce for Men and Women

10 Tips for Navigating Heartbreak

https://psychcentral.com/blog/growth...dium=popular17

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[nicoleflynn]

I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse; have been alone for 18 years now. Perhaps seeing another therapist while you are going thru the divorce might help. The wonderful thing about life is that you never know what might happen next....you may find friends and interests in Seattle, and find yourself feeling better....a little at a time. You sound like a wonderful person; don't give up on yourself...give yourself a chance......I am 72 and so dislike being alone, but I have hope; sometimes that is all you have.i

[Open Eyes]

Your now ex sounds very selfish, did not even spend quality time with her child and he is lonely too. Don't go down the road to giving up and digging deeper into depression. You are actually still young and have time to heal and meet someone else eventually that will appreciate and respect you.

[sarahsweets]

@Strike2

You cheated on your wife and then lived with another woman? Are you talking about divorce with the first wife? Are the relationship issues with the wife or the woman you lived with after you left your wife?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, @Strike2!! Please be kind to yourself! I'd also suggest to see another therapist as the one you're currently seeing doesn't seem to be helping you that much - and it seems like you think the same, as well. Perhaps give it another shot with someone else. Perhaps a male therapist if you feel more comfortable with it? Either way, please NEVER give up hope! I understand why things may seem hopeless right now but you never know what happens, like nicoleflynn has already wisely said better than I ever could. Please take ALL the time you need to grieve the end of your Marriage. It will take time but you will do it. I am SURE of that! Please feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need Advice and Support. I'll try to get back at you as soon as I possibly can. I'm sure plenty of others will gladly help you as well! Don't you EVER give up HOPE! ALWAYS remember that! Wishing you the BEST of Luck with whathever decision you'll take! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're cutting off ALL contacts with her as I feel like that's the BEST thing to do to move on! I'm also REALLY HAPPY that you're STILL in contact with your son! PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF! You're STRONGER than you believe! Please ALWAYS remember that! YOU'RE THE BEST AND YOU KNOW THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your Son, @Strike2!!

strike2:

So, to understand your story; you were married to your 1st wife for 10 years, but then got divorced because that relationship disintegrated over time that caused you to reach out to other sources for attention:

After marriage, she became controlling, emotionally confrontational, and much less affectionate. As a result, I turned to pornography, online forums, and eventually cheated on her multiple times, though never to start a relationship on the side. It ended with a big physical fight between the two of us, a separation of 1 year, where I instigated the divorce.

During the separation period from your wife of 10-years before your divorce finalized, you met your 2nd wife and stayed married to her for 5 years, before she cheated on you with a male friend she met through her new social group after marrying you. Yet you maintain a good, solid relationship with her son since you were the first stable male presence in his life.

So, acting on my suspicions, I looked at her phone and found texts with one man since April. Thousands of texts, largely just talking about common interests, but then by mid-May, they start flirting with each other. She gives him pet names, he responds with playful pushes and emojis, and they talk about hugs, dinners, and trying to introduce him to her son without me around.

I am sorry to hear that you have had two failed marriages now. That is a lot to emotionally grieve and process. Especially since both marriages weren't short.

I've given up hope on my wife, am getting a divorce, and never want to hear from her again (ironically she is a therapist herself, but gave me more of the silent treatment after the breakup, which I told her just made me more upset and aggravated the situation...but, yeah).

She lets me talk with her son and spend time with him still (possibly just to be free of him, because she never spent much of any time with him over the years), but I have decided to move to Seattle with friends and a better job opportunity. I'm 40 now, and I just can't see myself doing another relationship at all after all this. I understand to give it time, but seriously, I have no desire to try and be happy for me now.

The two of them were my life, my family, more than my immediate relatives...I feel like I'm only living now to not make other people unhappy (should I want to end life), or be a burden to others. Thanks for taking the time to read everything.

My personal experience with therapists has been that some take out their own personal problems on their patients, their friends and their family. They are fallible just like everyone else, unfortunately, and not always are a stable source of emotional support for people. Sorry to read that your wife/a therapist herself, acted so immaturely as to give you the silent treatment -- which she's well aware I'm sure, is a form of emotional abuse out of a need to control the other person through silence.

It's easy to see why that relationship with your 2nd wife aggravated you so much; she spends time with friends whom she won't include in your life, much less, the new man in her life she cheated on you with. That's pretty low.

I think it's AWESOME that you are moving to Seattle to be near your friends and find a better job opportunity. Can you take your son with you, or is he stuck with his emotionally vacant mother (she seems that way, from what you describe)?

Don't give up on a 3rd relationship. Just look at Ross from the tv sitcom Friends. Sure the guy got divorced 3 TIMES, but Rachel was there for him in the end. Your Rachel is still out there. Don't put such a limit on yourself with regards to marriage or another long-term relationship. Life's not over til the Fat Lady sings as they say.

You're still in the throws of grief and shock, so it makes sense that you can't see a happy future with another woman just yet. You need to heal from your 2nd divorce which takes time. Don't live your life to make other people happy. Live your life to make yourself happy. Easier said than done, or none of us would come to Psych Central for connection and support from others going through the same thing as we are.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself. One step at a time. Move to Seattle. Settle in. Reconnect with friends there. Find a great job. Maintain contact with your son. Eventually, after time, you'll settle into a routine and will feel grounded again. But right now? You just experienced an earthquake so your legs are still shaky from the after-shock.