[dragonphoto]

I know we have been through this so many times before. Should I really start to show that I love my wife or just back off. Yes I know what you are going to say...but my heart won't allow it. You see when I gave my heart to my wife (back in school) I knew I would never get that piece of me back...I don't want it back. I made a promise to my wife so many years ago to love her through sickness and healt for richer or poorer, and to let no person come between us. I am going to uphold that promise because of that piece of my heart that she holds in her hand. You know the funny thing is they tell you to forgive and forget...the only problem is it is much harder to forgive than it is to forget. God knows I have tried for so long to forget things...and I have started to realize that the things that I percieved that people did to me was not their fault. It was mine for not understanding what that person was going through...does that make any sense? Anyway I guess what I am asking is "I feel that I am losing control of my love life and I need some help."

[sunrise]

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dragonphoto said:
Should I really start to show that I love my wife or just back off.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">What would starting to show that you love your wife look like? Would it be an email or a phone call once a week, saying, "hon, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. How's your day going?" Or would it be controlling and smothering and over the top? I think there are ways you can show your love that are non-threatening. You know your wife best. What would work for her, in her present frame of mind? I think showing your wife you love her and "backing off" (if that's what she needs) can both be done.

Here's a short essay on forgiving and forgetting that is filled with wisdom and that I really like:
To Forgive, Not Forget

[dragonphoto]

It is hard to only call her once a week due to our children. She was very stressed out this holiday season because I was not there to help her. I feel really bad about that, but I thought that is what she wanted. I had a rough time Christmas eve and Christmas because I was not feeling well and when I don't feel well I get a little grumpy(actually now it is more depressed). I try my hardest to let her know that I am here for her but I don't think she really knows it...

[bebop]

every woman wants to know she is loved.

[Perna]

You can't "control" your love life. The other person is a free agent and trying to control anything about them and their life without their asking is egregious boundary crossing. Work with yourself to become a magnet and quit trying to get better at using the lasso! She doesn't want or need a cowboy!

[sunrise]

I'm still wondering, what would showing your wife that you love her look like? If not a phone call, then what? Sending flowers? I'm just not sure what you have in mind...

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dragonphoto said:
She was very stressed out this holiday season because I was not there to help her. I feel really bad about that, but I thought that is what she wanted.

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Well, did she want it or didn't she? Did you ask her? One of the things I learned from my therapist's efforts to help my husband and I improve communication between ourselves is that we mustn't make assumptions about what we think the other person is thinking or wanting. Because often we are wrong, and this leads to misunderstanding and hard feelings. The best thing to do is seek clarification from the other person and ask directly. Something like, "do you need some help from me at the holidays?" And if she said she doesn't need your help, well, you've done what you can, you've offered, and if she gets stressed out because she doesn't have enough help, well, she had her chance to ask for it!

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I try my hardest to let her know that I am here for her but I don't think she really knows it...

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Again, sounds like a communication problem. Tell her directly so she will really know it.

dragonphoto, hang in there with this. It is hard to develop functional communication patterns after years of misunderstanding. But it will be worth it. Your couple's therapist can help you with this, and you can practice healthy and productive ways of communicating with each other right in his office.

I'm sorry you are feeling down. The holidays are hard.