[pinkpeach]

Hello! My boyfriend of almost 3 years, struggles with military PTSD, but also says he has PTSD from his past relationships. What i mean by this, is when we are on the phone, and if I happen to laugh a certain way or happen to be a little breathy sometimes, he says it triggers his PTSD because he was in a 4 year relationship with somebody who would sometimes be on the phone with him and giggle or breathe a little weird if she was with somebody else. even worse, having sex with someone else. now I am in no way doubting that this was traumatic, but he says this is the reason he asks me questions like "who are you with?" "are you by yourself" and has even accused me of having sex with somebody while we're on the phone. he does this in a very accusing and a lot of the time, hostile tone. which puts me on the defensive. and when I've stood up for myself and said, "I'm a different person" "I shouldn't pay for the actions of someone else" or simply "no I'm not with anyone else", and express my offense, he tells me that i just dont understand PTSD. So, I took it upon myself to seek professional therapy with somebody who has worked with many veterans with PTSD, to get an expert's perspective and learn more about PTSD with the intention of hopefully being able to approach my boyfriend and deescalate things in a way that really works. (I've tried the sweet comforting approach, the short, straight up approach, etc) and it always ends with him yelling or telling me something like "**** this" and hanging up. and then never getting an apology... My therapist told me that PTSD at its core is feeling like you're in a life-threatening situation, being fearful for your life. and told me the symptoms of PTSD. my boyfriend definitely has PTSD, he has all of the symptoms and I never doubted this. but he claims that him getting scared about me being with someone else is among those symptoms or at least branches from his PTSD, my therapist said that is not the case, that it's just abusive and controlling behavior that he may unfortunately be pinning on PTSD... she gave me some websites to do my own research on PTSD, (mayo clinic, webMd), and they both said PTSD can cause flashbacks and memories of traumatic events which can cause anxiety, and that seemed to make sense with my boyfriends particular issues on the phone with me... so is it his PTSD? or is he (intentionally or not) using it as an excuse? does this make his behavior understandable and justifiable? how do I go about talking to him about this and helping him? I feel so lost and just want to help him. Shouldnt he trust me by now? Thank you in advance for responses xxx

[CANDC]

Hi pinkpeach. welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are receiving treatment from your BF that seems abusive. Even if he has suffered trauma he does not have to take it out on you.

These articles may be of interest
Narcissists Use Trauma Bonding and Intermittent Reinforcement To Get You Addicted To Them: Why Abuse Survivors Stay

The Differences Between Abusers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Borderline Personality Disorder

Even if someone has suffered severe trauma that does not mean we have to take anything they throw at us. Maybe setting boundaries is important. Like not taking their phone calls or acting serious with them. I am glad you have a therapist to help you find solid ground. Remember no one deserves to be abused verbally, physically or emotionally.

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

Originally Posted by pinkpeach

Hello!

Hello.

so is it his PTSD?

No.

or is he (intentionally or not) using it as an excuse?

It likely causes him real anxiety, but it's still an excuse. He's attempting to control your behavior because he's unable to control his own anxiety and irrational fears. He needs to learn to trust others. But instead, he just blames his behavior on PTSD as if that makes him not liable for his own behavior, and then demands that you tiptoe around his psychological issues. Seems a bit unfair, doesn't it?

does this make his behavior understandable and justifiable?

No.

how do I go about talking to him about this and helping him?

This is a job better suited for a therapist.

Shouldnt he trust me by now?

Yes.

[MickeyCheeky]

Having a Trauma or suffering from PTSD is not an excuse to act abusive towards your partners and your Loved Ones. Even if ALL OF THIS was due to his PTSD, it is HIS RESPONSABILITY to work on it and not bring it on you! I'd say discuss this with him and make him understand that he has to work on his issues or the relationship can continue. Be kind and polite, but firm and decided. Be assertive and stand up for yourself as you deserve to be LOVED and RESPECTED! I COMPLETELY agree with CANDC who also gave you some WONDERFUL articles to check out and theoretical as well! Give it a look. Feel fre to PM me anytime when in need. of Advice and Support. I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY HELP YOU OUT AS MUCH AS THEY POSSIBLY CAN IF YOU JUST ASK FOR THEIR HELP! Sending many safe, wamr hugs to You, @pinkpeach, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Husband IF AND ONLY IF he will start to treat you with KINDNESS AND RESPECT and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Please do keep fighting and please do keep rocking as much as you possibly can like you're already WONDERFULLY ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! Also WELCOME TO THIS WONDERFUL FORUMS and PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN AS IT'S FULL OF SO MUCH MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!

[Bill3]

I agree with the wise posters above.

In addition, I would like to point out that his failed relationships from the past may not fit the definition of PTSD.

Unless your boyfriend had "exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence" (DSM-5) in his previous romantic relationships, he cannot be diagnosed with PTSD from them.

he claims that him getting scared about me being with someone else is among those symptoms or at least branches from his PTSD, my therapist said that is not the case, that it's just abusive and controlling behavior that he may unfortunately be pinning on PTSD

I agree with your therapist.

she gave me some websites to do my own research on PTSD, (mayo clinic, webMd), and they both said PTSD can cause flashbacks and memories of traumatic events which can cause anxiety, and that seemed to make sense with my boyfriends particular issues on the phone with me... so is it his PTSD?

No it is not his PTSD.

Yes PTSD can cause flashbacks of the traumatic events--the ones that caused the disorder--not flashbacks to just any negative event in the person's past.

[pinkpeach]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Having a Trauma or suffering from PTSD is not an excuse to act abusive towards your partners and your Loved Ones. Even if ALL OF THIS was due to his PTSD, it is HIS RESPONSABILITY to work on it and not bring it on you! I'd say discuss this with him and make him understand that he has to work on his issues or the relationship can continue. Be kind and polite, but firm and decided. Be assertive and stand up for yourself as you deserve to be LOVED and RESPECTED! I COMPLETELY agree with CANDC who also gave you some WONDERFUL articles to check out and theoretical as well! Give it a look. Feel fre to PM me anytime when in need. of Advice and Support. I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY HELP YOU OUT AS MUCH AS THEY POSSIBLY CAN IF YOU JUST ASK FOR THEIR HELP! Sending many safe, wamr hugs to You, @pinkpeach, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Husband IF AND ONLY IF he will start to treat you with KINDNESS AND RESPECT and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Please do keep fighting and please do keep rocking as much as you possibly can like you're already WONDERFULLY ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! Also WELCOME TO THIS WONDERFUL FORUMS and PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN AS IT'S FULL OF SO MUCH MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!

this reply was so sweet, uplifting and so insightful! thank you so much for your words and help😊😊😊

[pinkpeach]

Originally Posted by theoretical

Hello.

so is it his PTSD?

No.

or is he (intentionally or not) using it as an excuse?

It likely causes him real anxiety, but it's still an excuse. He's attempting to control your behavior because he's unable to control his own anxiety and irrational fears. He needs to learn to trust others. But instead, he just blames his behavior on PTSD as if that makes him not liable for his own behavior, and then demands that you tiptoe around his psychological issues. Seems a bit unfair, doesn't it?

does this make his behavior understandable and justifiable?

No.

how do I go about talking to him about this and helping him?

This is a job better suited for a therapist.

Shouldnt he trust me by now?

Yes.

thank you so much. this really helped and makes me feel a lot more confident to stand up for myself. thank you!😊

[pinkpeach]

Thank you everyone for your advice, support and help! all of your words were kind and made me feel a lot better about how im going to talk to him and find the confidence to do to. thank you!

[Open Eyes]

Living with ptsd can be exhausting at times and some people have it worse than others. A person can be very sensitive and may be so sensitive that they isolate and withdraw. Sometimes a person experiences triggers they themselves don't know what actually triggered them and they can end up suffering for an hour to an entire day even, even a couple days. This tends to be why people who suffer from it can get angry. I suffer from it myself and the word that tends to describe it pretty well is frustrating leaving a person frustrated. Another word that describes it well is "intrusive". One of the constant questions someone that suffers from it has is "why can't I just like I used to?". What makes that worse is how so many respond with "just statements". People tend to respond with "just ignore, don't allow, and let it go, you need to JUST LET IT GO". What these individuals that respond this way fail to realize is how someone who struggles with ptsd, which can in some be extremely crippling, is they are constantly already telling themselves to JUST and the frustration tends to come into play when they continue to suffer even when they SO DO NOT WANT TO.

Honestly, while you may care for this individual, you cannot fix him and he will be working on trying to manage his condition most likely the rest of his life and he will experience days where it can be a bad day and he just needs to be alone until whatever is triggered in his mind slowly eases up. In all honesty, if you spend a lot of time with someone who struggles with it, you can get secondary ptsd yourself. If you sit and think about it, what you described experiencing with him on the phone? Well, if you continue to experience that you can get to a point where when you talk to people on the phone you can actually begin to anticipate some kind of challenge. And you can definitely get to the point where you want to avoid talking to him on the phone completely too.

One of the things when it comes to someone who suffers from ptsd is that often the person is actually a nice person too. The problem is that the person was often repeatedly abused or traumatized to the point where it affected them causing them to become very sensitive. It's not only human beings that can develop ptsd, it's also animals as well. You can actually witness it in a dog that was abused where if someone approaches it to pat it in a friendly way it can crouch and shiver believing it's going to be hit. I have worked with horses that were hit and became very sensitive and head shy. Actually, I have pony that I took out constantly and I taught him to be comfortable with having all kinds of children on his back in all kinds of places surrounded by all kinds of things including noises and to be ok with people walking next to him on the opposite side of where I am leading him to hold their children, some of which can be very handicapped. I was at a function and as always told people there to take away all balls and bats or any object that can accidently hit this pony. Unfortunately, we had to walk by this above the ground pool and I had asked that the children not be in it splashing around as the yard was so small I had to walk by it. There was an older boy in this pool that I asked to keep other children out of the pool. In this pool floating on the top was a HUGE ball. Well, this young teen suddenly decided to throw a punch at this huge ball and it ended up hitting this pony right in his little head. It really frightened him and he backed up and just about sat down and my husband who was handling him got two fingers caught in his halter and broke two of his fingers. From that time on this pony CHANGED where I watched him gradually become AFRAID of anyone on that side of him, of pools, bouncy houses and to this day I have to work around the FACT that now this pony has fears and feels unsafe of things that I spent so much time helping him feel safe being around. Well, I put a lot of time into training my ponies, people really have no idea and tend to think ANY pony can do what I do with it. I am constantly paying attention to anything that can happen that can suddenly change my ponies from feeling safe too. Yet, people do not even realize that and often choose to do very stupid things. Well, now I have a pony that has fears and NOW I have to work around that problem just because someone chose to do something stupid. That is how the brain can be affected when even an animal experiences something that catches them offguard and traumatizes them.

Anyone can experience something that can overwhelm them, experience a tremendous sense of powerlessness that can forever change them even when they don't want that to happen. What I found interesting is observing how this pony who has a brain the size of a walnut gradually grew afraid of all that he experienced in that environment. He remembered there was a pool there, he remembered there was a bouncy house there and even though he had seen those things a thousand times and never cared, suddenly he cared and felt very frightened. That is how ptsd develops in the brain be it animal or human.

I have been working with a new therapist that explained to me that in an effort to find out what part of the brain is affected by ptsd, they discovered that when someone is exposed to something that can be a trigger, they can now see the area of the brain that is the most active. The area of the brain that is the most active is the amydala and the back of the brain when someone is exposed to a trigger and there is little to no activity in the frontal part of the brain. A person that is triggered is NOT really consciously deciding to experience a trigger, that conscious area of the brain is not what is active. That is what MOST people fail to understand when they respond to someone with "just ignore or just statements". That is what someone who suffers constantly asks themselves as well, "what is wrong with me, why can't I just like I used to?".

Before I developed ptsd, I had no problem going out and eating at noisey crowded restaurants, well, after I developed ptsd, to my horror when I went out to celebrate mother's day with family at a busy restaurant, I got so uncomfortable I had to get up and quickly get outside and I was so embarrassed and confused as to why I was experiencing that. I used to love Chrismas shopping, well, again when I went to do that I ended up getting overwhelmed and found myself needing to get out of that store I was in, that was never like me to be that way.

The brain is very complex, there is still much we do not understand about the brain too. What may not bother one person can be something that another person can be very sensitive to. How one person learns can be different from how another person learns, and how one person experiences emotions can be a bit different from how another person experiences emotions. We tend to assume everyone is supposed to learn the same way, feel the same way, but that is being obtuse as just as we are all somewhat different looking, we can be somewhat different in how we interact with life itself.

So, what do you do with this boyfriend that clearly struggles so much? The only thing you can do is respect his challenge and understand that he is probably sensitive in ways you will never quite understand yourself and in that you cannot really change or fix him either. I cannot change what my nice pony experienced that caused him to now really doubt being safe around certain things. All I can do is be kind to him and do my best to work around the fact that something did happen to him where now he gets uncomfortable in ways that had not been a problem before for him or me. Something very traumatic happened to me too, it has changed me and I try very hard to manage it and be kind to myself when I have a bad day and don't really know what triggered it, or if I do, I just work on doing my best to be patient with it until it passes. It can get very lonely and I am sorry for anyone who is challenged with it and some have it way worse than others.

One thing I do know, is people are studying it constantly and trying to find ways to help those who suffer with it so they suffer less and can manage it better.

You seem like a nice person, you are caring and genuinely want to understand this boyfriend so maybe you can interact with him better. People read about ptsd and think they know more, but it's not that easy. As I mentioned, one person can have it worse than someone else, and that person may also have other challenges like perhaps a learning disability on top of that as well. So, recovering and managing the challenge can be different for each person who struggles with it. In all honesty, when it comes to human beings, there is really no "one size fits all" .

[unaluna]

The way he says eff this and hangs up the phone makes me wonder if he isnt trying to play sex games with you on the phone?

[pinkpeach]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Living with ptsd can be exhausting at times and some people have it worse than others. A person can be very sensitive and may be so sensitive that they isolate and withdraw. Sometimes a person experiences triggers they themselves don't know what actually triggered them and they can end up suffering for an hour to an entire day even, even a couple days. This tends to be why people who suffer from it can get angry. I suffer from it myself and the word that tends to describe it pretty well is frustrating leaving a person frustrated. Another word that describes it well is "intrusive". One of the constant questions someone that suffers from it has is "why can't I just like I used to?". What makes that worse is how so many respond with "just statements". People tend to respond with "just ignore, don't allow, and let it go, you need to JUST LET IT GO". What these individuals that respond this way fail to realize is how someone who struggles with ptsd, which can in some be extremely crippling, is they are constantly already telling themselves to JUST and the frustration tends to come into play when they continue to suffer even when they SO DO NOT WANT TO.

Honestly, while you may care for this individual, you cannot fix him and he will be working on trying to manage his condition most likely the rest of his life and he will experience days where it can be a bad day and he just needs to be alone until whatever is triggered in his mind slowly eases up. In all honesty, if you spend a lot of time with someone who struggles with it, you can get secondary ptsd yourself. If you sit and think about it, what you described experiencing with him on the phone? Well, if you continue to experience that you can get to a point where when you talk to people on the phone you can actually begin to anticipate some kind of challenge. And you can definitely get to the point where you want to avoid talking to him on the phone completely too.

One of the things when it comes to someone who suffers from ptsd is that often the person is actually a nice person too. The problem is that the person was often repeatedly abused or traumatized to the point where it affected them causing them to become very sensitive. It's not only human beings that can develop ptsd, it's also animals as well. You can actually witness it in a dog that was abused where if someone approaches it to pat it in a friendly way it can crouch and shiver believing it's going to be hit. I have worked with horses that were hit and became very sensitive and head shy. Actually, I have pony that I took out constantly and I taught him to be comfortable with having all kinds of children on his back in all kinds of places surrounded by all kinds of things including noises and to be ok with people walking next to him on the opposite side of where I am leading him to hold their children, some of which can be very handicapped. I was at a function and as always told people there to take away all balls and bats or any object that can accidently hit this pony. Unfortunately, we had to walk by this above the ground pool and I had asked that the children not be in it splashing around as the yard was so small I had to walk by it. There was an older boy in this pool that I asked to keep other children out of the pool. In this pool floating on the top was a HUGE ball. Well, this young teen suddenly decided to throw a punch at this huge ball and it ended up hitting this pony right in his little head. It really frightened him and he backed up and just about sat down and my husband who was handling him got two fingers caught in his halter and broke two of his fingers. From that time on this pony CHANGED where I watched him gradually become AFRAID of anyone on that side of him, of pools, bouncy houses and to this day I have to work around the FACT that now this pony has fears and feels unsafe of things that I spent so much time helping him feel safe being around. Well, I put a lot of time into training my ponies, people really have no idea and tend to think ANY pony can do what I do with it. I am constantly paying attention to anything that can happen that can suddenly change my ponies from feeling safe too. Yet, people do not even realize that and often choose to do very stupid things. Well, now I have a pony that has fears and NOW I have to work around that problem just because someone chose to do something stupid. That is how the brain can be affected when even an animal experiences something that catches them offguard and traumatizes them.

Anyone can experience something that can overwhelm them, experience a tremendous sense of powerlessness that can forever change them even when they don't want that to happen. What I found interesting is observing how this pony who has a brain the size of a walnut gradually grew afraid of all that he experienced in that environment. He remembered there was a pool there, he remembered there was a bouncy house there and even though he had seen those things a thousand times and never cared, suddenly he cared and felt very frightened. That is how ptsd develops in the brain be it animal or human.

I have been working with a new therapist that explained to me that in an effort to find out what part of the brain is affected by ptsd, they discovered that when someone is exposed to something that can be a trigger, they can now see the area of the brain that is the most active. The area of the brain that is the most active is the amydala and the back of the brain when someone is exposed to a trigger and there is little to no activity in the frontal part of the brain. A person that is triggered is NOT really consciously deciding to experience a trigger, that conscious area of the brain is not what is active. That is what MOST people fail to understand when they respond to someone with "just ignore or just statements". That is what someone who suffers constantly asks themselves as well, "what is wrong with me, why can't I just like I used to?".

Before I developed ptsd, I had no problem going out and eating at noisey crowded restaurants, well, after I developed ptsd, to my horror when I went out to celebrate mother's day with family at a busy restaurant, I got so uncomfortable I had to get up and quickly get outside and I was so embarrassed and confused as to why I was experiencing that. I used to love Chrismas shopping, well, again when I went to do that I ended up getting overwhelmed and found myself needing to get out of that store I was in, that was never like me to be that way.

The brain is very complex, there is still much we do not understand about the brain too. What may not bother one person can be something that another person can be very sensitive to. How one person learns can be different from how another person learns, and how one person experiences emotions can be a bit different from how another person experiences emotions. We tend to assume everyone is supposed to learn the same way, feel the same way, but that is being obtuse as just as we are all somewhat different looking, we can be somewhat different in how we interact with life itself.

So, what do you do with this boyfriend that clearly struggles so much? The only thing you can do is respect his challenge and understand that he is probably sensitive in ways you will never quite understand yourself and in that you cannot really change or fix him either. I cannot change what my nice pony experienced that caused him to now really doubt being safe around certain things. All I can do is be kind to him and do my best to work around the fact that something did happen to him where now he gets uncomfortable in ways that had not been a problem before for him or me. Something very traumatic happened to me too, it has changed me and I try very hard to manage it and be kind to myself when I have a bad day and don't really know what triggered it, or if I do, I just work on doing my best to be patient with it until it passes. It can get very lonely and I am sorry for anyone who is challenged with it and some have it way worse than others.

One thing I do know, is people are studying it constantly and trying to find ways to help those who suffer with it so they suffer less and can manage it better.

You seem like a nice person, you are caring and genuinely want to understand this boyfriend so maybe you can interact with him better. People read about ptsd and think they know more, but it's not that easy. As I mentioned, one person can have it worse than someone else, and that person may also have other challenges like perhaps a learning disability on top of that as well. So, recovering and managing the challenge can be different for each person who struggles with it. In all honesty, when it comes to human beings, there is really no "one size fits all" .

Thank you so much for all of your information! it was very descriptive and helpful to me. I didnt know much about PTSD before i met him and it's been quite the journey learning about it while being with him. I've always been extremely supportive and have been there for him since day one. I know I'll never completely understand what it's like, but I've vowed to be there for him no matter what and to help in any way I can. unfortunately, I think because I was so vulnerable in not having a ton of info on it, on top of being quite younger than him, that i've become a bit of a doormat and in the last year and have been scared of the realization that i may have accidentally enabled him to get to the point he is now in terms of how he speaks to me and treats me during these moments he has, because I've always chopped it up as not being in his control, and it isnt, so i have been and remain supportive, empathetic, and sweet, but I'm very drained and at this point have many layers of pain and extremely hurt feelings that I've been pushing to the side during our whole relationship, but theyve caught up with me and that's why I decided to seek therapy, to gain more knowledge, define a line and some boundaries, while bettering myself and my approach that's accustomed to him and his personal needs, with the goal of having a happier and healthier relationship. I really love him to pieces and that's why it hurts me so badly to think he distrusts me sometimes and says very hurtful things. but I've okayed them because he says it's out of his control. me reaching out to a therapist was my breaking point because now when he says the things he does and/or hangs up , I just cry my eyes out and blame it on myself even though I've not done anything to compromise his trust or even make him think he should... I know he knows that i just love and adore him, I constantly tell him that i want him to be able to see me as that ride-or-die girl that he can come to and confide in, not somebody he cant trust... I guess i thought at this point, we'd be there, but he's told me as recently as last week that he needs time to build his trust for me and its so hard to understand that sometimes, but i listen, accept, and support. I'm sorry to hear about your sweet pony, I'm glad that he had you during those hard times. it pains me to know there are people out there who harm animals... every one of them deserve love and someone they can trust. and I really appreciate the information and stories you gave me, especially because you struggle with it yourself, so I really value your opinion and viewpoint and advice. keep going strong! I wish you, your family and your lovely animals only the best

[pinkpeach]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I agree with the wise posters above.

In addition, I would like to point out that his failed relationships from the past may not fit the definition of PTSD.

Unless your boyfriend had "exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence" (DSM-5) in his previous romantic relationships, he cannot be diagnosed with PTSD from them.


I agree with your therapist.


No it is not his PTSD.

Yes PTSD can cause flashbacks of the traumatic events--the ones that caused the disorder--not flashbacks to just any negative event in the person's past.

thank you so much for your reply!! it really helped me and made me feel tons better

[pinkpeach]

Originally Posted by unaluna

The way he says eff this and hangs up the phone makes me wonder if he isnt trying to play sex games with you on the phone?

I'd be lying if I said i havent found myself worrying about the possibility of him maybe keeping something from me, which I've never accused him of, but I learned the hard way that if someone is always wrongly questioning you, chances are they're the one doing what they're questioning you about... but I openly told him this thought process once it entered my mind, that was a while ago though and I just really dont see him doing that type of thing. so I since have not been worried, just concerned that he still sometimes thinks I'm doing such a thing ):