My 21 year old brother, who is an alcoholic, needs money again. Well he isnt asking yet. My mom is asking for him. He has racked up over $1000 in driving violation fines (DWI, PI, Speeding, registration). If he doesnt pay next week, they will put him in jail, so they are asking to use my credit card b/c my brother can't get a credit card. I feel conflicted. I want to help but I'm first tired of being burned with him and also tired of him not learning a lesson. I also don't want to see him in jail or for him to think I don't care. But what can I do? At first I said no and my mom was dissappointed. Are there any alternatives to helping someone without keeping them codependent?

[mj14]

esthersvirtue,

IMO, just giving him the money would only enable his behavior. With addicts, you have to realize at some point that you can't help...he needs to help himself. And, unfortunately, that might mean doing things that he will interpret as your not caring. But he is an addict, and you can't let his distorted, addict thinking influence you into doing something you know is wrong.

If you want to do something that might be a push in the right direction, maybe you can say you will give him the money if he checks himself into rehab. But if he won't, then maybe he needs a wake-up call.

Good luck.
*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

[Sesquix]

tough love is the only way. Sometimes I really think lessons need to be learned. I have a wayward brother who does the same. Now he knows not to come to us because we tried to help him by bailing him out and finally all of us had to put our foot down and turn him away. Maybe the judge won't give him jail time, but probation or community service instead. Keep strong and resist going into debt because of your brother. Is there a reason why your parents don't get a credit card and pay it for him? Interest on cash advances from cards is very high.

[(JD)]

Tough love was what I also thought of first. Sorry, this is a very tough situation, but YOU didn't cause it.

It is unfair for your mother to put you in the middle of it, or perhaps for your brother to put your mother in the middle. But your answer must still be NO.

You must say NO. To enable this kind of person will no good. You will be hurting him more. I know you don't want it to be this way. But money is not what he needs.

My State requires counseling OR jail, because it is that important. And if they don't do counseling, they pay AND go to jail.

Let your brother use the resources that are available to him. He has been there before. You said it yourself... you are angry with him for not learning, yet you have not yet learned either? Sorry, that was a bit strong.

But I am trying to be strong for you.

You are no less a sister, or a daughter or even a person for saying no. In fact, you will be a better person, and feel like a more in control person for standing your ground. Just say no. And let that be your FINAL ANSWER!

www.suzeorman.com free financial advice from a self made millionaire lady... see her on cnbc Saturday nights I love her!

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

Thanks for your advice all. I have to admit that I gave in a little, but I did add allot of stipulations that I hope will help my brother makes strides to becoming an adult. I think my family tends to feel sorry for my brother b/c he was abused as a kid and is still suffering from depression. My dad doesnt care and even tells him to blow his brains out. I pray that I learn to show him love without codependence. For now, they are looking for other alternatives to borrowing money from me.. which is good.

[gloria]

Can he be jailed and bailed out?
One thought that comes to mind is to let him get arrested, then talk to a live-in rehab facility where, if he agrees to go, then he can be bailed out to go directly to that facility.

In FL there are 21 days live-in facilities where the person after that is placed in a home for substance abuse people where they can live only if they get a job and actively participate in their 12 step program. United way funds most of them, so they are not expensive.

gab