always about the money

It seems our problems in our marriage is always about the money.

Years ago when we started our relationship I was a better earner, had the car, got the housing subsidy etc. We split the domestic expenses. I paid the maid (was working full time), paid for the groceries, gardener, maintained my own car, my own medical insurance etc. supported my daughter who is now independant.

Now 15 years later my husband is the only one contribution to our financial state and it seems to irk him in no small way. For the past 7 years we have been expatriates. I gave up country, career, loved ones etc etc to follow because he was the one at the time earning more money and the one making it possible for us to leave our own country. (something he will not let me forget). when I arrived here I found it was more difficult getting a similar job with a good salary as I had back home. I changed my career somewhat at first and now 7 years later is doing something far different.

Our first expat experience lasted 4 years and then we moved to another country. The first 4 years was rocky but I eventually got a good job with an excellent salary. 1 year after I took this job my husband got paid off because he decided that he cannot and will not work with the new MD and told them so. I left my job, moved with him and we stayed 2 years. Again they let him go due to affirmative action and we find ourselves back in the country we started off in. He gets a reasonable salary but nowhere as good as before. We have been here now for almost 1 year again. 2 years ago he decided that his son should live with us as his son's mother could not control him anymore. Schooling has proven to be extremely expensive, to the tune of 2 months salary for 1 school year. My husband also decided that he wants a good car and bought an ultra luxury car - we have only one car. Not any of these 'financial' issues he discussed with me prior to making them. Our holidays are usually 'decided' by him and I cannot really argue as I am not contributing. When we chose a house it was a bit above our budget but very central and of a reasonable size. He has been nagging that we should move for either the same rent or cheaper. There is not much out there for what we are paying now, unless one is prepared to downgrade considerably.

Now tonight he says to me that I am capable of earning more money and that I should start contribution towards our life together.

Should I contribute financially when I am the only one contributing domestically, gardening, cooking, washing, shopping etc. And what should I contribute? How does one calculate a contribution towards the expenses when all our lives together we have had split income, split financial responsibilities. It is only the past 7 years that he has 'taken care' of me financially. I have always been fiercely independent.

Our days differ so much and he seems to think that I have loads of time on my hands. My day is not like his. He gets up, focusses on the job from morning to night.

My day starts with a domestic side to it. Then my job has to be fit in inbetween the domestic chores. I may go to see a client and on the way back quickly pop into the store to get groceries, or pick up the dry cleaning, or pick up the gardener and still spend 2 hours helping him in the garden, etc etc. I am sure those women out there who are trying to run a house as well as a business will understand what I am saying. It is not easy juggling all at the same time.

His son hardly ever does anything in the house. If the garbage needs to be taken out it has to be pointed out - every time. I don't want to discuss what his son should and should not do around the house because 'have been there, done that' and it is like a brick wall as far as my husband is concerned. What I would like to say is: My husband came home unexpectantly this afternoon - shortly after his son had arrived home from school. I heard the loud music from his son's room and then the screaming and crying of sorts. I drew my husband's attention to this and said he must see what's going on. Apparently his son had a fit of depression or similar. His son says that he does not feel that he belongs.

In my opinion, in order to make a child feel part of a household you have to do things with them (not watch TV together every night), do some kind of activity and those kids must have chores/responsibilities in the home. Otherwise of course they will feel lost and have a general feeling of not belonging!

I know I am waffling a bit - perhaps just needed to get it off my chest...

I suppose in short: our financial situation is bothering his much and he feels I should help out. The problem is that he is demanding it, not asking it.

Hello Seeking -- Well, I have my opinions, but they are colored by my experiences, and I'm reluctant to offer them. Is there any options for getting counseling where you are, so that you can talk things through with a trained professions?

Wants2fly! Well let me hear your opinions. I was reading my own post again and it does sound very much like me me me me, all about me... my husband does not think he is the problem.

No, I wasn't thinking about how the post was all about you. I was thinking about me -- all about me! :-) -- how I and my mate of 15 years had a "master plan" that was about me getting academic tenure, and him quitting his job, and when I didn't get tenure, and got ill so it looked like I might never have an income as good as I've had -- he split. Completely blindsided me. My mother cried, because she loved him so much, so I guess others were blindsided, too. So my thought about your story was -- watch it.

Money is rarely just about money -- it can be about power over the other person, identity, self-esteem, etc.

Yours was a long post, which makes me feel that perhaps you've been saving up a lot of stuff that all came pouring out. I honestly don't know if it is "all about you" but in the end, for most of us, our life is all about us.

I so I hope you can find a good listener and good counselor to help you sort through all this. It's important not to stuff it.

Thanks again for the response.

"Money is rarely just about money -- it can be about power over the other person, identity, self-esteem, etc."

Yes I can see what you mean. He is controlling. A few nights ago he made the statement that if my new career does not sustain me within the next few months, I should look for a permanent other kind of job so that I can help with the finances. I am not sure what to make of that. In the past I have supported him with most of his dreams. At one time he also started a business and struggled and eventually gave his share to a partner. This partner subsequently built the business to the point of selling it for a few million.

I did go for counselling but need to find someone else as she was too 'timid' in her responses. I need to hear the hard facts so that I can deal with it and get on with my life. I need to understand my husband's motivation for saying the things he does. I need to understand if it is because of old history or new history. It is difficult to communicate with him, he gets defensive, angry/aggressive or withdraws. We have had some major arguments in the past, some abusive.

I am seeing a new counselor as from October. Am not in a good place at the moment. Feeling depressed, which is VERY unlike me, de-motivated about my job, which is also very strange, worried about my child, which is normal I guess and got the flue on top of it all. I sure sound sorry for myself!

Thanks for listening.

Not unusual to get the flu "on top of everything." In fact, more likely, bec. resistance is lowered when we are overwhelmed.