My mother keeps talking and talking, often if not all the time about herself

Hello everyone,

I'm new here. I have a lot of things to deal with and I hope I can find help and support in this place. At the moment, something is bothering me a great deal. I don't know how to explain it the best way as it's a long story for me to tell, in order for you guys to fully understand what I'm dealing with. Maybe you're dealing with the same thing in which case, I feel for you.

Ok, so I'm wondering about something about my mom. She frequently calls me, she often says she's worried about me and that she misses me. These calls sometimes take up hours of my time (longest call yet was 3 and a half hour). She must be really worried then, you might think. The thing is, of those three hours, I maybe spent 15 minutes talking and listening for the remainder. She'll ask how I am at the beginning and when want to tell her how I am, she interrupts me and starts talking about herself. Like this:
"How are you?"
Me: "Very well, I have some great news to share. I got an excellent result on my piano exam the..."
Mom: "Oh! You're just like me! When I still played the piano, I was the best of my class, and I blah blah blah I this, I that, blah blah me me me."

And then I'm listening for half an hour to her telling me about her time playing the piano, which was over ten years ago. Also, ten years ago, I would be playing the piano at home to practice. She would shoo me at times to play herself and show me how it's done.
I can never finish anything I say. Whenever I try to share something about myself, she interrupts me (sometimes she quickly congratulates me) and then starts talking about how she went through or did the same thing. How bad she had it at the time. How well she did at the thing I'm currently doing.
She also wasn't a great mom when I was a child. She used to give me lectures that lasted for an hour or longer, tearing me down and calling me fat, how ugly I am and badly groomed (I was a ******* child and isn't it a mother's job to groom their kids?) I was. This is only a pinch of salt of how she could be.

But that's what confuses me. I'm 26 now. I'm much taller than her now and stronger. Maybe that's why she stopped abusing me so obviously to my face. But it feels as if she hasn't changed. Whenever I bring up that I didn't have a nice childhood and that home was violent, she gets angry (not directly at me) and starts talking on end about how it used to be hard for her. How my dad's family gave her a hard time. How my dad never stood up for her. Then she starts bad talking my dead, who is now dead for over 5 years and can't defend himself. She points every finger at everyone else. She just has to make sure that I understand that my pain is nothing compared to hers. That's how it feels. She doesn't take any responsibility for what she has done to me (and now, I'm dealing with severe mental health issues and suicide thoughts. Oh, about that. Sometimes, in anger, I let it slip
Yet she brags about me to other people and her friends. Loves to tell strangers that I am her daughter. Yet she never seems to listen to me, take responsibility for anything she has done and loves to be the victim. She's not directly abusive anymore but still isn't a great mom. What is up with her? Why is she now so sweetly ignoring who I am, what I do and what I want to tell her? I listen to her stories too. When she tells me something, more authentic. But I'm sick of hearing the same stories over and over again whenever I try to share something new. It's making me crazy, I just feel so angry at her, yet I don't want to hate her. I'm so confused and don't know what to do with this. She helps me, worries about me, wants to spend time with me yet when she does, everyone has to see, and she has to one up me every time. What do I do? Please... don't start talking about your own situation unless it helps me. I want to listen, I really do. But I can't anymore. I'm sick of people hijacking my situation in order to talk about themselves. It makes me feel as if I'm just a pitch to a "greater story" or "more important story". Which I'm not. I need help. And I can't find any.

Thanks for your time.

It seems like your mother may be lonely. Is she? Does she have anyone at home? I guess not since you've said your dad is dead. Do you think your dad's death may have had a bad effect on her that is still going on to this day? Do you think she may still be coping Your Father's Passing and that she may still be Grieving Her/Your Loss? That's just something worth thinking about for a bit in my opinion! If she's started to act this way since your Father's passing then it may be due to loneliness or perhaps she's still Grieving Her/Your Loss, but I am NOT a professional in any way, shape or form so I really can't tell for sure, so DEFINITELY pick my words with a grain of salt! I am SO SORRY she's been abusive towards you, and still is! It seems like she's mostly using you as an opportunity to boost her self-confidence even if it comes at the cost of bringing you down. It's clear that she's struggling a lot, but it's not your responsability to take care of her. My advice would be to suggest her to see a Therapist or a professional who deals with Mental Health and see if she can get help for what she's struggling with. That's all you can do as her daughter in my opinion. You can't really "fix" her, nor you have to in my opinion. If she refuses to get help, then that's her choice. If she's being annoying to you and keeps calling you to talk about herself then my suggestion would be to just cut off contacts with her. Do not answer her phone calls or her messages. Thereìs no need for toxic people in our Lives! Don't feel guilty about this. You're not doing anything wrong and, like I've said, she can always get help if she wants to improve the relationship between you two. But it's up to her to make the first step. So please, stand up for yourself and be kind to yourself. Do yourself a favor and talk to her about ALL of this and see how it goes from there. Hopefully she will understand! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you want to talk or if you need advice and support! I am SURE plenty of people will also GLADLY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well if you just ask! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Rainkat, your family, your friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking!

1. Is she drinking?
2. Dont call her.
3. When she calls, hang up after 15 minutes.

Good luck!

Hey, thanks for your answer.
She's not lonely at all. She lives with a boyfriend. My dad and her separated when I was 15. It wasn't an easy divorce and it caused me and my sister having to live in an institution under CPS (Belgian version) for years. She's around my sisters a lot too and spends a lot of time with family. She does seem to listen to my sisters. She does it to me only, the constant comparing between me and herself and hijacking the conversation. She seems to be able to listen when talking to my sisters. She has been acting aggressive ever since I can remember. She used to pinch and twist my skin at my belly when angry with me, often called me names and straight up physically and mentally abused me. That's why it's all so strange to me. She seems to have calmed down, but now she clogs all my attention and I feel as if I'm the mother who has to comfort a child. Whenever I'm sad, she tells me how she's more sad. Whenever I'm angry, she's angrier. She's always angrier, used to have my talent as well, more suicidal, more in pain than I am. Maybe she is but why lay it all onto me? Whenever I say: "I did this", she says: "Me too, and I was such and such" without letting me finish my sentence. It's difficult as well because I don't want to be angry with her. I want her to be my mom. Only she treats me as a friend... a friend to dump all her problems and stories on without listening. You are right though. It's not me who should fix her. She won't go to a psychiatrists. She doesn't trust any kind of doctor anymore... I have tried to cut her off as well, but it made me feel horrible. That's how used I seem to be to her talking and talking and she's used to me listening for hours on end. I'm now trying to set boundaries. I'm ok with calling her or having her call me, but I need to learn to say when my time's up. If that's the only relationship I can have with my mom, than so be it I guess... But it's so hard. It helps that I vented in here. I can't talk about this with anyone I know.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It gives me some perspective You're also always welcome to message me. I'm still finding my way through this site haha, hope I don't get lost. Much love to you and your loved ones as well! Have a great sunday evening. <3 <3 (I'm still finding out how to use emoticons lol)

She doesn't drink. I suspect a psychological disorder tbh, something like narcissism. She comes off like that. Because whenever I do tell her that I was still talking and want to finish my story, she either gets upset or straight up keeps talking over me.
I don't call that often anymore, only when I really have to (my family is going through some stuff at court). And hanging up after 15 min., I do try, really but she keeps starting to tell new stories and my problem is that I'm just a very nice person to other people and feel bad when I don't give people what they want. It's how I was brought up. It has been beaten into me. I know it's not healthy but I'm still working on it. I'm still trying to find help. Thanks for your tips though, I should keep reminding myself of these.

Hi Rainkat, I am sorry that your relationship with your mother has always been so strained. She is showing you that she has little to no knowledge about raising a child and instead needs to constantly talk about her own woes and challenges. People typically give you what the KNOW so it's important to recognize that and realize it's not about your own short comings, but theirs.

Congratulations on your piano exam!

I think unaluna has the right idea.

Set a short time limit on how long you will listen to her. When you are five minutes from that limit, say that you will need to hang up in five minutes. When the five minutes are up, kindly say good bye and hang up!

You can also screen her calls and not pick up when you are unable to listen.

In my opinion you must limit her, difficult though she might make that for you, to regain control of your time.

Are you speaking with a therapist?

Its not easy, but its you or her. Shes making it a bad deal, not you. You would like it to be a better deal for you, but she is not willing to give that. Well, why should you be the patsy, the dummy hand?

It is REALLY REALLY hard to accept that this is what she thinks of you, i know. I also know she is wrong in her evaluation. Why she persists in it, i dont know. Maybe somebody did it to her. Maybe you remind her of your father so she feels justified. But you dont have to take it anymore. You just dont. Shes not worrying about being nice. You only have to be as nice as she is to you. Thats what i figure "honor" your parents means.

I’m glad for you that you are seeing this for what it is. You are not getting caught up in it or fighting with her. It feels awful to not really be seen, heard and appreciated by your mother to your face. I’m glad to hear she at least boasts about you to others. That’s better than getting bad mouthed because you’ve argued with her.

You just have to maintain a balance of communication amount you can handle and separation.

When my mother went on about all the painful drama about my deceased father who was no longer there to defend himself, I had no reason to disbelieve her until many years and disappointment played out between her and me. Save yourself that poisonous experience.