20 years ago i worked with someone who was married but i fancied. She fancied me too and made it known she was available for an affair. I didn't because i figured she would eventually go back to her husband. i do not do hurt well and not want distraction from work because i was suffering illness and wanted to make some money as i knew i would have to stop work.

I had to and now cannot work only rarely but have a nice house home.I have had relationships since then.

Recently I was surfing a dating site out of curiosity and boredom once when i could not sleep and saw she is divorced now. But her last log in was three years ago. so she met someone or got fed up. I know where she works now about 30 miles away . i could meet her 'accidently'

I want to ask her out.The main question is should i say i saw her online and what to say if she says no that will give me a chance again and not make me look needy which i am. What is the best way to take 'no'.? To ask why or to persist or be casual and say OK.

If she says yes should i tell her about being ill. I want a rekationship not friends or just a date

[DechanDawa]

Be honest. Prepare for the fact it has been quite a long time since she posted on the dating site and she is probably in a relationship or remarried. No matter what never appear needy. Not attractive.

[TishaBuv]

I’d suggest you ‘accidentally’ meet her and don’t mention seeing her on the site. Sure, ask her out. So what if she says ‘no’, it’s no reflection on you. You know she was attracted to you because she once wanted to have an affair with you.

But, that’s a red flag about her. She was married and wanted to cheat. Just be wary.

There is always the possibility that she has remarried and still wants to cheat.
Have you tried looking her up on Facebook to see what her current relationship status is?

[ronmiller]

First and foremost, go and talk to her either accidentally or maybe planned. But know about her current status and then take this friendship to another level. Also, if she says no, then let it be, because if she can have one divorce, she can have it many a times unless she finds the perfect one for her.

I can see her facebook home page. it does not mention relationship status but as i do not have FB i cannot log in. I do not know FB where is relationship status?

What i mean by howshould i treat refusal is: If she is single and says 'no' should i persist and take the 'you were interested before approach'. Or make light of it? Or say 'here is my number if you change your mind'

i know needy is not good but if one is then one is

[ArchieAus]

Like DeshanDawa said , be honest ....... and if she sez no , then move on .

Originally Posted by LonelyMan

I can see her facebook home page. it does not mention relationship status but as i do not have FB i cannot log in. I do not know FB where is relationship status?

It would be under her "Intro" but even if she is married she doesn't have to say that she is. I am single. It does not show up on my "Intro" that I am. I looked on my page under the "About" section. I clicked on my Relationships and Family. There is says that I am single.

If she tells you that she isn't interested then move on. She might change her mind and contact you later but don't try to persuade her to go out with you.

I think that giving her your phone number would be a good idea, saying "If you change your mind."

As far as what happened in the past, people change over time.

[~Christina]

If you accidentally run into her and ask her out and she says no , NO means No. If she was willing to cheat on her husband years ago she “ might” likely do it again , would you want that ? If she cheated again ?

Why not have a Facebook and send her a friend request, that way you can test the waters with out setting up accidentally met up.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

If you accidentally run into her and ask her out and she says no , NO means No. If she was willing to cheat on her husband years ago she “ might” likely do it again , would you want that ? If she cheated again ?


Why not have a Facebook and send her a friend request, that way you can test the waters with out setting up accidentally met up.

Because I do not want to be her friend and do not want her to misconstrue my intent. I want her to know what i want from the start so there is no confusion . She might then think a date-if it hapened- was two buddies going out as friends.Or I was a friend wanting to go out as friends.

If you accidentally run into her and ask her out and she says no , NO means No

Not necessarily So long as there is no force or pressure - i have no such intent- it does not prevent saying here is my number if you change your mind.

I thought of making a facebook and sending her a message to say something like.

I saw you on the dating site. Do you meet someone ? If not and you are single do you want to on a date with me sometime. If she says no then i say here is my number if you change your mind.

Is that too forward?

I am not interested in friendship with women. Too many have tried to use me as a 'friend'.Caused me lots of depression and unhappiness. So my attitude now is if i am not good enough to date they are not good enough to be friends with. Mostly women friends just want to tell problems cry on my shoulder and when their problem is solved they do not want to know me again until another one crops up. A 'friend' - ex friend now- who i did lots of free work for did not want to know when i was sick and needed something from her. Women who want friends can join the girl guides

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I’d suggest you ‘accidentally’ meet her and don’t mention seeing her on the site. Sure, ask her out. So what if she says ‘no’, it’s no reflection on you. You know she was attracted to you because she once wanted to have an affair with you.

But, that’s a red flag about her. She was married and wanted to cheat. Just be wary.

I would like to point out in fairness to her , her husband was a waste of space more interested in sucking cannabis and popping pills than in her. I know that independently of her

[QUOTE=LonelyMan;6013405]I would like to point out in fairness to her , her husband was a waste of space more interested in sucking cannabis and popping pills than in her. I know that independently of her[/

I guess that's a good enough excuse to be willing to cheat on someone.

[ArchieAus]

I sympathise with you lonelyman . You got run over by a bus on assumptions . Not sure what country in Europe you are in but hope your not freezing to death over there ATM .
Your in here asking people's opinions about how you should move forward with making contact with someone you haven't seen in a long time . Well I seriously doubt there is anyone here with formal qualifications in the best way to go about that , very much including myself , but here's my opinion anyway .
About you , you have some health issues or at least had some . You also have had enough of being treated like a friend in relationships you had which you hoped would lead to romance .
About the lady . You've rediscovered her , but don't know what her circumstances are .

If I was in your position I would try to make physical contact with her , as in face to face . Now you could either just lob up to her work unannounced , or if you want a softer approach you could drop a letter off there ( hand written with one of those old fashioned pen things ) either way you just tell her the truth ......explaining that you came across her profile online , had been thinking about her and where hoping the two of you could catch up , be that for a coffee in the park , pizza on the beach or dust off your suit and an evening at a nice restaurant of your choice ( her choice ) .
So considering it's been 20 years and your hope is that you can meet her again for a meaningful relationship , it's a long shot huh , even the most optimistic person wouldn't give you high odds on it all falling into place , but if that's what you want to do then seize the day and do it . You may lack confidence ? , well just fake it . Be confident . What's the worst that can happen ? She tells you that she doesn't wish to see you ... well at that point you spread you hands , tilt your head and smile at her and say " well you can't blame me for trying , your not an easy lady to forget , you have my number . It's great to see that your doing ok and having a nice life . Maybe I'll see you again in 20 years ? , maybe I'll see you sooner if you wish "
Carpe diem ... one day we will all be dead and we will have lost those chances we were too afraid or shy to take .
Now on the subject of "should you keep trying if she sez No" no you shouldn't , you know that , you tried to explain earlier . I understand you didn't mean like being a stalker .
Good luck and don't die wondering . There's no shame in trying and failing at anything as long as you have tried .

Update:
I did ask her. she said no as she is unwell. it is true she is quite unwell don't know if that is the real reason for no and don't care. Moved on

[lizardlady]

Sorry it didn't work out, but good for you for trying.

Originally Posted by lizardlady

Sorry it didn't work out, but good for you for trying.

thank you

I am glad she said no. she has some illness and on fb it is all about her. when she hurt her arm she had photos of it on fb. photos of a scratch , narcissism and she must be number one with everyone bringing her flowers and saying how wonderful she looks