Need advice on respecting healthy boundaries in a relationship

Disney2019 · Sep 28, 2019, 05:41 PM

I have a hard time respecting healthy boundaries and giving space to my partner..we talk and text a lot, but it’s been hard for us to reach the next level because I am needy and clingy...we will have an amazing night together into the following day, a few hours after I leave I become needy, and paranoid blowing up hid phone..we would be seeing eachother more often (I feel) if I wasn’t so needy..just some background info: I come from an upbringing in a household that involved an alcoholic father..so needless to say I do have abandonment issues...I also have a hard time relaxing, over analyze everything and paranoid..if he can’t pick up my call and answer my text, I become worried he is ghosting me (he isn’t) he is independent and has a pretty good circle of friends who he talks to throughout the day, etc...if anyone can give insight or any recommendations for good books so I can start to work on this lifelong issue of mine, I would appreciate it..I am in the process of looking for a therapist also but in the meantime I want to do something on my own....we have been together few months

Bill3 · Sep 29, 2019, 07:28 AM

This is a god book:

https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Childre...anet+wo&sr=8-2

Therapy is a good idea.

Awareness is also a good idea. Simply notice (without judging yourself), just consciously take note “I am acting needy again”, your mind starts to work unconsciously on it as well.

Nonjudgmental awareness is a great tool for change and growth.

Sep 29, 2019, 07:37 AM

welcome to the forum.

I hope being here helps

(btw, so good to see a disney fan on here. love disney)

MickeyCheeky · Sep 29, 2019, 08:18 AM

Bill3 has already gave you some WONDERFUL advice and a WONDERFUL book as well! I don't have any other books to recommend myself unfortunately!

Perhaps you could try "Feeling Good" by David Burns but that's more among the lines of Depression and Self-Esteem Problems! Either way, if you're curious, you can still check it out!

As for the rest, it's WONDERFUL that you're going to see a Therapist soon! Definitely try to be aware of yourself and when you realize you may not be acting in the most appropriate way, stop yourself. Hopefully things will improve soon for you!

Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need someone to talk to or vent to or even some advice and support! I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY, BEAUTIFULLY, GENEROUSLY, KINDLY, CARINGLY, DEEPLY, DEARLY, SWEETLY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY help you out as well! THAT'S A PROMISE! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! Sending Many Safe, Warm Hugs To BOTH You, @Disney2019, Your Partner, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Therapist And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!

ShadowGX · Sep 29, 2019, 10:51 AM

I can't give you a book, but perhaps my experience in the matter will be of some insight to you? I'm pretty big on self-help because I can't afford or find a good therapist. I've had to learn, the hard way in many cases, how to best treat the people I want to keep in my life. You've already realized that clingyness is doing the opposite of what you intend, and that's a great first step! Now the harder part, curbing the habit...

Also worth a note before I get into it that this is just what works for me, there may be a better process out there for you.

After identifying the issue, the next step was to spot in the moment what I was doing to be clingy and defeat it with logical thoughts. For example, if the person I was attached to wanted to hang out with a friend of his instead of me that day and I started to get jealous, immediately I would say to myself "that is not fair of you, he has to be allowed to have time away from you, you do not own or control him". Maybe more difficult is issue you mentioned, where you're expecting a certain amount of communication on his end and he's not doing so. For that one there's a few steps I like to do. Firstly, we need to establish what is a realistic amount of communication. Every second of every waking moment of course is not a healthy relationship. Start to adjust your expectations to a realistic amount. This will also vary depending on your specific situation with each person because some people require more space than others to not feel smothered, so it will take a bit of analysis on your part to find what is appropriate. If he's willing, I even like to establish a verbal boundary so that I have a good idea of what is reasonable. Second, defeat the clingy thoughts with as much logic as possible. "He must be busy, I'll go do something else for now then." Such things like that. As hard as it is, you gotta give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not just ignoring you or it won't work out, no relationship can work without a solid level of trust. But of course, if he's constantly avoiding you then that's not a good sign either. Don't let yourself be so attached that you get walked all over either.

Then there's moments when it really gets tough... Maybe you've asked something important and he's taking his sweet time responding, or he's just in general taking hours to respond to something. The only thing I found that helps here is distraction, go read a book or watch a movie/show or some other hobby you might have. If all you do is hyperfocus on the issue and end up pressuring for a response or expressing how upset you are, it just makes it so much worse.

Another small exercise I have tried is to not respond immediately to text messages myself. Arguably this has helped me the most because it has trained my brain to realize responses do not need to be immediate, I can take my time and it's ok if he takes his. This was also very hard to put into practice, and I still fail it when it's an issue of needing comfort from a response, but overall it has gone well.

And I do realize it all sounds easier said than done, and I'm not gonna lie and say I'm perfect at it, but it has made me so much more reasonable. Just yesterday was the first time in a long while that I slipped because I was having an already bad day. I'm proud of myself for making that much progress. Remember to be kind to yourself during this process, don't focus on how much left you have to do and instead focus on any positives.

Disney2019 · Sep 29, 2019, 11:27 AM

Thank you everyone for your input..I have good mental health coverage so I’m looking into it..I tend to have catastrophic thinking..I am trying to respect his space. Sometimes, he is relaxing and just doesn’t feel like talking and I tend to take it personal.

Disney2019 · Sep 29, 2019, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

I can't give you a book, but perhaps my experience in the matter will be of some insight to you? I'm pretty big on self-help because I can't afford or find a good therapist. I've had to learn, the hard way in many cases, how to best treat the people I want to keep in my life. You've already realized that clingyness is doing the opposite of what you intend, and that's a great first step! Now the harder part, curbing the habit...

Also worth a note before I get into it that this is just what works for me, there may be a better process out there for you.

After identifying the issue, the next step was to spot in the moment what I was doing to be clingy and defeat it with logical thoughts. For example, if the person I was attached to wanted to hang out with a friend of his instead of me that day and I started to get jealous, immediately I would say to myself "that is not fair of you, he has to be allowed to have time away from you, you do not own or control him". Maybe more difficult is issue you mentioned, where you're expecting a certain amount of communication on his end and he's not doing so. For that one there's a few steps I like to do. Firstly, we need to establish what is a realistic amount of communication. Every second of every waking moment of course is not a healthy relationship. Start to adjust your expectations to a realistic amount. This will also vary depending on your specific situation with each person because some people require more space than others to not feel smothered, so it will take a bit of analysis on your part to find what is appropriate. If he's willing, I even like to establish a verbal boundary so that I have a good idea of what is reasonable. Second, defeat the clingy thoughts with as much logic as possible. "He must be busy, I'll go do something else for now then." Such things like that. As hard as it is, you gotta give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not just ignoring you or it won't work out, no relationship can work without a solid level of trust. But of course, if he's constantly avoiding you then that's not a good sign either. Don't let yourself be so attached that you get walked all over either.

Then there's moments when it really gets tough... Maybe you've asked something important and he's taking his sweet time responding, or he's just in general taking hours to respond to something. The only thing I found that helps here is distraction, go read a book or watch a movie/show or some other hobby you might have. If all you do is hyperfocus on the issue and end up pressuring for a response or expressing how upset you are, it just makes it so much worse.

Another small exercise I have tried is to not respond immediately to text messages myself. Arguably this has helped me the most because it has trained my brain to realize responses do not need to be immediate, I can take my time and it's ok if he takes his. This was also very hard to put into practice, and I still fail it when it's an issue of needing comfort from a response, but overall it has gone well.

And I do realize it all sounds easier said than done, and I'm not gonna lie and say I'm perfect at it, but it has made me so much more reasonable. Just yesterday was the first time in a long while that I slipped because I was having an already bad day. I'm proud of myself for making that much progress. Remember to be kind to yourself during this process, don't focus on how much left you have to do and instead focus on any positives.

I feel I have too high expectations..we talk a lot almost daily..well if say I don’t hear from him one day maybe two then I start to panic..like it’s only one day..he may just not be in the mood to talk or tired etc..women are wired different..I’m trying to realize this.

Disney2019 · Sep 29, 2019, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

I can't give you a book, but perhaps my experience in the matter will be of some insight to you? I'm pretty big on self-help because I can't afford or find a good therapist. I've had to learn, the hard way in many cases, how to best treat the people I want to keep in my life. You've already realized that clingyness is doing the opposite of what you intend, and that's a great first step! Now the harder part, curbing the habit...

Also worth a note before I get into it that this is just what works for me, there may be a better process out there for you.

After identifying the issue, the next step was to spot in the moment what I was doing to be clingy and defeat it with logical thoughts. For example, if the person I was attached to wanted to hang out with a friend of his instead of me that day and I started to get jealous, immediately I would say to myself "that is not fair of you, he has to be allowed to have time away from you, you do not own or control him". Maybe more difficult is issue you mentioned, where you're expecting a certain amount of communication on his end and he's not doing so. For that one there's a few steps I like to do. Firstly, we need to establish what is a realistic amount of communication. Every second of every waking moment of course is not a healthy relationship. Start to adjust your expectations to a realistic amount. This will also vary depending on your specific situation with each person because some people require more space than others to not feel smothered, so it will take a bit of analysis on your part to find what is appropriate. If he's willing, I even like to establish a verbal boundary so that I have a good idea of what is reasonable. Second, defeat the clingy thoughts with as much logic as possible. "He must be busy, I'll go do something else for now then." Such things like that. As hard as it is, you gotta give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not just ignoring you or it won't work out, no relationship can work without a solid level of trust. But of course, if he's constantly avoiding you then that's not a good sign either. Don't let yourself be so attached that you get walked all over either.

Then there's moments when it really gets tough... Maybe you've asked something important and he's taking his sweet time responding, or he's just in general taking hours to respond to something. The only thing I found that helps here is distraction, go read a book or watch a movie/show or some other hobby you might have. If all you do is hyperfocus on the issue and end up pressuring for a response or expressing how upset you are, it just makes it so much worse.

Another small exercise I have tried is to not respond immediately to text messages myself. Arguably this has helped me the most because it has trained my brain to realize responses do not need to be immediate, I can take my time and it's ok if he takes his. This was also very hard to put into practice, and I still fail it when it's an issue of needing comfort from a response, but overall it has gone well.

And I do realize it all sounds easier said than done, and I'm not gonna lie and say I'm perfect at it, but it has made me so much more reasonable. Just yesterday was the first time in a long while that I slipped because I was having an already bad day. I'm proud of myself for making that much progress. Remember to be kind to yourself during this process, don't focus on how much left you have to do and instead focus on any positives.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

This is a god book:

Therapy is a good idea.

Awareness is also a good idea. Simply notice (without judging yourself), just consciously take note “I am acting needy again”, your mind starts to work unconsciously on it as well.

Nonjudgmental awareness is a great tool for change and growth.

I’ll get that book..I had a therapist who was skilled in acoa but she retired after only 3 sessions in. There is a support group near my job too so I am going to see about that

Skeezyks · Sep 29, 2019, 04:24 PM

Well... there are actually at least 3 different issues here... (maybe more?) In your title you asked about respecting boundaries. So that's one issue. You talked about being needy & clingy. So that brings up the question of attachment styles. You also mentioned your alcoholic father. So that raises the issue of being a ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic). Plus you mentioned having a hard time relaxing as well as being paranoid. So that's yet another issue. (I'll leave that one for another time.) Here are links to a selection of 8 articles, from PC's archives, though on the first 3 of these subjects just to (hopefully) get you started:

What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some?

Why Healthy Relationships Always Have Boundaries & How to Set Boundaries in Yours

Keeping Good Boundaries & Getting Your Needs Met

Flexible Boundaries: Affirming Ourselves While Staying Connected

What's My Attachment Style and Why Does It Matter? | Happily Imperfect

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...achment-style/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/children-of-alcoholics/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...oholic-parent/

Best wishes...

superm4n · Oct 01, 2019, 11:26 AM

Turn off the phone and find some hobbies. The phone is terrible for relationships, communication, and everything in between. Social media doesn't help either. Focus on whats important, good home cooked healthy meals, good hobbies, and fun.

divine1966 · Oct 05, 2019, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Disney2019

I feel I have too high expectations..we talk a lot almost daily..well if say I don’t hear from him one day maybe two then I start to panic..like it’s only one day..he may just not be in the mood to talk or tired etc..women are wired different..I’m trying to realize this.

In my over 50 years of life I found no evidence of men wanting to talk to his partner less than woman does. I don’t find it to be true at all. I find it to be more dependent on the type of person and definitely nature of relationship and interest in each other rather than on gender.

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