[DazedandConfused254]

Well there goes another one of my friends announcing their engagement on SM. This time it’s one of my best friends I’ve known since first grade. We talk quite a bit through the year despite my transition from school to the real world, and his new consultant job and frequent travels. Through the years he has been a “thick and thin” friend, especially when I’ve been troubled by the topics I’m about to discuss. Even when we don’t see each other he has expressed his care for me as evident when I saw his father at Starbucks, who I am equally close to, and he said my friend was frequently asking about me. Since I found a new passion in diving, he discovered this on Insta and this is something that brought us even closer together in recent times.

But like all my other friends who have popped with the question, I fear this BFF will go the same path many who dropped off my radar as soon as they get married. One of the most sobering examples came with a person who initially helped me move past a suicidal moment stopped talking to me after he proposed and he began to ignore my efforts to reconnect with him. A former crush who I was previously on good terms with even after she got serious with someone also became standoffish when I tried to text her even when I tried to text her happy birthday. She along with the rest of my female friends that I was previously close to in college treat me the same, act friendly on the surface and then when something better comes along, I get tossed out like a burnt out cigarette. Furthermore the people I gave wedding gifts or congratulated to didn’t even say “thank you”, all proof that marriage, especially in this day and age use this as a ticket to over-the-top arrogance and annoying entitlement. Thankfully I’ve been able to take the edge off of these emotions by coming home after uni and moving away from my cliquey college town.

Now I’ve been able to reconnect with friends who are single and don’t prioritize dating and marriage like people in my conservative, pressure cooking college town. But seeing the aforementioned news on FB sent me into an internal anxiety meltdown because of the pressure to date after still recovering over old flames, and me being overall unlovable by the opposite gender. I also wanted to be a part of the relationship bandwagon myself but my stressful transitions, the disturbing trends I’ve witnessed and bad luck with women has burned me out. However when I’m not on FB or Insta being single has been a wonderful choice for me so far, as this has allowed me to focus on my engaging and up and coming job.

Do I have to say goodbye forever to any friend who gets married? Are my friends going to push me away and isolate me simply because of relationship status?

[WishfulThinker66]

It is out of respect for their relationship likely.

Their spouse may want it this way.

I know when my relationship with my boyfriend got more serious I treated my own internet friendships differently. Some I even ended entirely. Frankly, I did so out of respect. Remember, it is your partner who should be your confidant not someone on the internet. Please realise this can be incredibly threatening for some people. Frankly, I am one of them. I really don't believe someone who is in a relationship should be carrying on with someone else - and that is what I believe this friend and you have been doing - regardless of how emotionally intimate the relationship is. I don't feel it is right. Obviously I have pretty strong feelings about this, yes I do. As much as I was prepared to cull my own acquaintances, I should say I also expected him to do the same. I am his confidant not someone else. And I feel even stronger about this if such an acquaintance were a woman.

I feel strongly about this.

This is about his respect for his future spouse not about you. Sorry you are caught in the crossfire.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @DazedandConfused25 I am sorry you feel mistreated.

Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254

But like all my other friends who have popped with the question, I fear this BFF will go the same path many who dropped off my radar as soon as they get married.

When you get married you sort of become a team and that person is the priority. Now I am not saying married people cant have friends but I am saying that the spouse is always the priority.

One of the most sobering examples came with a person who initially helped me move past a suicidal moment stopped talking to me after he proposed and he began to ignore my efforts to reconnect with him.

Is it possible that he was able to feel a certain kind of responsibility and loyalty with you and now chooses to put that energy into his partner? It makes sense.

A former crush who I was previously on good terms with even after she got serious with someone also became standoffish when I tried to text her even when I tried to text her happy birthday.

This I totally understand. I know my husband wouldnt want me to receive texts from my ex, for any reason no matter how harmless.

She along with the rest of my female friends that I was previously close to in college treat me the same, act friendly on the surface and then when something better comes along, I get tossed out like a burnt out cigarette.

Wait, do you mean all of these women got married and cut ties or are you lumping the women into a general category of people that ghosted you?

Furthermore the people I gave wedding gifts or congratulated to didn’t even say “thank you”, all proof that marriage, especially in this day and age use this as a ticket to over-the-top arrogance and annoying entitlement.

I disagree strongly. These people are rude, thankless, vapid and entitled because they were assholes. Maybe they were always assholes but it didnt affect you directly but now that it does you cant blame it on marriage. One is not entitled just because they are married or devoted to their spouse. An entitled person was always entitled, it just didnt affect you at the time.

Thankfully I’ve been able to take the edge off of these emotions by coming home after uni and moving away from my cliquey college town.

Good for you. Cliques suck.

Now I’ve been able to reconnect with friends who are single and don’t prioritize dating and marriage like people in my conservative, pressure cooking college town.

What is wrong with prioritizing marriage?

But seeing the aforementioned news on FB sent me into an internal anxiety meltdown because of the pressure to date after still recovering over old flames, and me being overall unlovable by the opposite gender. I also wanted to be a part of the relationship bandwagon myself but my stressful transitions, the disturbing trends I’ve witnessed and bad luck with women has burned me out. However when I’m not on FB or Insta being single has been a wonderful choice for me so far, as this has allowed me to focus on my engaging and up and coming job.

This is where I tell you to say goodbye to social media. If it makes you feel bad for any reason, especially a sensitive one like this, it has no place in your life. How happy does checking facebook and feeling pressure and anxiety make you?

[B]Do I have to say goodbye forever to any friend who gets married? Are my friends going to push me away and isolate me simply because of relationship status?

Not always but likely. Couples like to hang with other couples a lot.
No matter what it hasnt been easy for you and its good that you are ok with the single life and that youre happy with it unless social media mucks it up.

[divine1966]

Some people drop their friends when they get married. But many don’t.

I have a close circle of girlfriends. I am the only married or coupled one in our group. One was never married and no kids, one is a widow, and one is divorced many years ago. It doesn’t make us less friends. My other good friend has never been married and has no children. I never thought I have to push her away or we should stop being friends. We are real world friends, not internet friends.

I think what happens in your situation with these people is a bit different:

1. These are largely Internet friends not people you hang out in your daily life, those typically fade over time and many don’t think of it as much as other friendships

2. Your exes or your former crushes are not obligated to respond to your texts or act in any certain way. Especially since they moved on with their lives. It’s normal that your former crush isn’t engaging in communication with you. I’d be taken aback if my husbands exes were texting him and getting upset if he doesn’t reply.

3. If your friendship with old elementary school friend is largely virtual. I am also not sure how close is this relationship as he announced it on FB rather than personally shared

4. I’d not expect particular thank you for simple congratulation but I’d expect thank you for wedding gift. Question is though were you invited to a wedding and brought a gift and were never thanked or acknowledged? Or did you send wedding gifts to distant friends who didn’t invite to a wedding? How close to you are these people and what’s your resin for sending them wedding gifts?

I wonder if you can look for some social hobby type of groups. In real life. Not FB. Are you into gaming? Sports? Other hobbies?

[bpcyclist]

Lots of good comments above and I will only amplify one of them, from @sarahsweets. My own personal opinion, shared by few, I understand, is that the major social media platforms (FB, Instagram, etc.) are doing massive damage to our culture and society. I won't even go into the whole rant. But, as suggested above, the huge amount of time and energy spent chasing social media would be far better used in real activities with real, actual humans. I get that this is not a popular position right now, but I believe in the long run, it will be shown to have been on the money.

I am sorry that you are feeling rotten about all this. That blows. I hope and know that you can push through this mess and get to a better other side soon.

[MickeyCheeky]

I don't have much more to add to what ALL the other WISE AND WONDERFUL POSTERS have already WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I POSSIBLY EVER COULD IN MY ENTIRE AND WHOLE LIFE, @DazedandConfused254! I am not sure whether Marriage makes people become EITHER snobbish or uptight! I'd say that it's REALLY important to consider tha with Marriage, people simply have less time to dedicate to their Friends, let alone their Internet Friends! However, it also depends on how close are you to those people. I DO believe that it's still possible to keep your contacts with other people even AFTER they have married, but it becomes MORE COMPLICATED to do that, ESPECIALLY if you're of the opposite Sex unfortunately! Please try not to take it too personally! There's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! It's just one of those things that just can happens and it's not really anyone's fault in my opinion. Hopefully nothing bad happens in this case and you'll STILL be able to kee contacts with him, but if you aren't, please try not to take it too personally, ok? As for the rest, I COMPLETELY AGREE with EVERYTHING that ALL THE OTHER WISE, WONDERFUL POSTERS HAVE ALREADY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I POSSIBLY EVER COULD IN MY WHOLE AND ENTIRE LIFE! I think it's important to be REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY CAREFUL WHEN IT COMES TO SOCIAL MEDIA! They can be REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ADDICTIVE AND IT'S DANGEROUS! So please, if using them too much is having BAD EFFECTS on your Health, BOTH Physical And Mental, DEFINITELY take a break from it! I'll ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU if you need someone to talk to or vent to or even some advice and support and so are MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY OTHERS AS WELL NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! I SWEAR YOU THAT! THAT'S A PROMISE! I PROMISE YOU THAT! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @DazedandConfused254, your family, your friends, your Therapists, your Doctors and ALL of your Loved Ones! PLEASE ALWAYS DO KEEP FIGHTING AND PLEASE ALWAYS DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! PLEASE NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK? YOU ARE LOVED REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY MUCH AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! THAT'S A PROMISE! I PROMISE YOU THAT! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! YOU'RE A WONDERFUL AND AWESOME PERSON! THAT'S ALL AND EVERYTHING ABSOLUTELY AND UNDENIABLY TRUE AND YOU KNOW THAT'S ALL AND EVERYTHING ABSOLUTELY AND UNDENIABLY TRUE AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! PLEASE ALWAYS DO KEEP FIGHTING AND PLEASE ALWAYS DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!

[Crazylion]

You will be meeting more people, making new friends, getting close, some times for many years, but the majority of them are passing through. For every 100 new "friends" I've met in any given amount of time, they are passing through. Sometimes, they show up again and we get to pick up where we left off, only with new stories and experiences to share. Maybe, even some growing up that needed to be done.

I'm 55 years old. I have been married three times. I used to be able to pick up the telephone and have a crowd of people at my house in an hour for a party. Everyone knew me from the surrounding counties 100 out.

If you asked me who some of these people were now, I swear I couldn't remember their faces, let alone their names. Reason being is that they were who I knew they were -- fun people who were coming through. I've been married for 26 years to the third husband (drives me insane, but I'll keep him), and I couldn't get a party together in a month, let alone an hour. Half of those people are dead or moved away. Once and awhile I will see someone and it takes a minute but then I will remember them.

I have one best friend besides my ball and chain and that is Nancie my friend of 36 years. It hasn't been easy, we both hated each other when we met and we are both ****ed up -- but ****ed up together. Meaning, we get one another and understand where we are coming from. Its the two scary gals against the world and they miss out. We still have slumber party weekends now that her kids are gone and married. The are my god children so they make fun of us all he time.

I have been hurt by the worst -- not the best, and everyone always talks crap about Nancie, etc., but she is the ONLY person I've known who has been through all my marriages and divorces, sexual assualt, our parents' deaths, and he husband going to prison for manufacturing drugs. She lost everything. I had another 35 plus years friend like Nancie but recently I had to end it for good. Our parents were best friends so I felt this obligation to stay in her life. But after many years of insulting me and getting more dillusional to where I didn't reconize her anymore I had to let her go. It was sad and I feel a little guilty, but I like myself alot now and I don't have time or a place in my life for any **** heads.

Stay strong....Courage!!

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

It is out of respect for their relationship likely.

Their spouse may want it this way.

I know when my relationship with my boyfriend got more serious I treated my own internet friendships differently. Some I even ended entirely. Frankly, I did so out of respect. Remember, it is your partner who should be your confidant not someone on the internet. Please realise this can be incredibly threatening for some people. Frankly, I am one of them. I really don't believe someone who is in a relationship should be carrying on with someone else - and that is what I believe this friend and you have been doing - regardless of how emotionally intimate the relationship is. I don't feel it is right. Obviously I have pretty strong feelings about this, yes I do. As much as I was prepared to cull my own acquaintances, I should say I also expected him to do the same. I am his confidant not someone else. And I feel even stronger about this if such an acquaintance were a woman.

I feel strongly about this.

This is about his respect for his future spouse not about you. Sorry you are caught in the crossfire.

if you felt so strongly about that should you not have stayed away from your internet friends altogether rather than dropping them when they were no use to you anymore?

and will th real actual humans be dropped like the social media ones when they are no use. What if the person dropping them becomes the dropped if their new happy marriage does not work. Do they then pick them up and use them again?