Husband doesn't follow through

My husband and I have been married 8 years together for 11. We have a 3 year old daughter and we both have mental health issues.

Something happened this morning. We need to mail back in my trade in phone and he wiped the hard drive for me and packed it in the box. Yesterday he said he would mail it for me today but then asked me to do it. I brought up that he had said he would do it and then he said he still would. I left with the phone and said I was afraid he wouldn't do it. And of course it caused a mini fight. I feel like I have this deep resentment and behavior pattern that has emerged from years of him just not doing what he says he will. I don't think he understands how much it hurts that he doesn't follow through on things because I am so good at keeping my word.

So the behavior and thought pattern for me is this: I think of something I want him to do and I either don't ask because I'm afraid he won't do it if I do ask, I do ask and then do it myself shortly after because I know since he forgets so much I can't just not think about it after I ask him, it has to stay in my mental load until it's done and I'd rather just get it over with. Or I sometimes say things like I did today.

He really wants to improve our marriage and so do I. He does follow through on very important things like picking up our kid from daycare, so that is good. He thinks I am holding onto old resentment and I'm trying not to but I just can't stop the behavior pattern and I don't think he gets how hard it is to be with someone who doesn't keep their word. He told me once he sometimes will agree to to something he knows he won't do just to shut me up and stop talking about it basically and that hurt.

We filed an extension on our taxes this year because we were having issues with his new business accounting. As the deadline approached I just had to do it all even though he said he didnt want me to and he would do it. I didn't believe him and I didn't have the luxury of waiting to see if he would do it since there were real consequences if he didnt.

What do you guys think? Any advice?

I had two thoughts readjng your post. The first relates to my own life experiences. My husband never followed through on things as a form of passive-aggressive disrespect. Could thag be what's going on with your husband?

My second thought gave him the benefit of the doubt. Could it be he is just forgetful? If so maybe he could come up with some ideas to help himself remember. I suggest letting him come up with the ideas so he can take ownership.

My first husband always dropped the ball and I would swoop in and complete whatever the task was..

I’d try to talk to him about but he immediately would get defensive which just led to more frustration.

So I decided that he would have to learn how to be responsible. So I wrote up a list of things, I split our bills in half, all our money was combined and we were both fine with it , but I was the one to sit down twice a month and write out all the checks.

I also split some of basic House hold chores, I asked him which ones he’d prefer to do.

Anyway lists made. Hanging on the refrigerator. Showing due dates of all bills.

Well it drove me bat shyt crazy to stand back and wonder what he would forget. The first month he was late on 2 credit card bills and had to pay late fees.

Second month he forgot electric !!! We came home to no power.. he was furious of course , I expected it I had been watching our Check book and he had not written a check. I just lite candles and made pb&j for dinner.. he apologized of course, I just nodded ok and went about getting our daughter to bed, well he went first thing in the morning and got it back on ASAP.

Honestly it was harder on me to stress that he was indeed going to drop the ball.

Maybe couples counseling? You need to know you can depend on him. Maybe he just truly forgets or maybe as Liz said possible passive aggressive going on???

My second husband is much more responsible. He had his own business for years so he was use to managing bills. So he’s fine with it all and I’m grateful he doesn’t mind taking over that chore although things are much easier now a days with auto pay everything.

Personally I have a lot of trouble remembering things when my Bipolar is causing problems I set alarms on my phone, I use my calendar full of daily tasks reminders.

Hopefully he will understand how his actions or rather inaction is causing you great difficulty and stress and make steps to change his behavior.

Good luck

I think you need to pick things that you can deal with going wrong that wont destroy your life and have him do them and allow the consequences to happen. If he has no consequences that affect him he knows you will always swoop in and rescue him. What do you do for him that would make him uncomfortable or notice if it didnt get done that you could allow natural consequences take over?