** Married guy led me on at work and then backed off and became defensive *

I recently joined a new place of work..everything has been going great, my superiors like my work and im well liked by everyone. Honestly...im not tooting my own horn but im known as the beautiful new girl at the office. I always dress nice even at 6am (heels, earings, dresses, hair done everyday etc). I work long hours and make sure everything is done no matter what.

Unfortunately, I happened to catch the eye of the alpha male at the office in an elevator ride without knowing who he actually was. He pretty much stared at me the whole elevator ride up and just asked me if I worked at XX company and I said yes I had been working there for three months and didn't break eye contact the whole time. Afterwards, we walked to our separate sides of the office.

Since im new and didn't know any better I decided to go around and introduce myself to everyone and landed at his desk. This began regular visits of flirting and talking and coffee runs with each other. Now, my female intuition kicked in and I knew he was completely into me. Other men in the office would notice us together and how I only had eyes for him (I have two confirmed guys at the office that like me but I have no interest in them).

Me and this guy have a 10 year age gap and I would always play around with him and ask questions that were just silly and no one would dare ask such a senior guy etc etc.

Well one day I decided to tell him that I had a crush on him (I KNOW PRETTY STUPID!!!) He quickly told me he was married - he doesn't wear a ring. I apologized and said that I didn't know and I really coudnt ask anyone (its kinda risky to just go around asking about main guy's single/married status). Ever since that day things have been awkward, he avoids me, he doesn't smile as much, we did run into each other a couple of times after that when he ran over like a puppy dog when me and my coworker waved him over. And one day I went over at his desk to give him something and he wouldn't stop staring at me, he became zoned out and I had to snap him out of it to direct his attention to the stuff I was delivering to him.

I am a single never married/ no kids / no drama person. But I feel weird that now he thinks im a total nutcase. After this incident I started going out and meeting new people. But I just regret confessing to him. I also feel hurt that he became defensive when I told him that I had a crush on him, considering that he still wont stop staring after the whole confession even though we don't interact as much. I enjoyed us just flirting with our eyes and having a secret noone knew about. Although my co worker openly told me that you could tell by his body language that he was completely into m.

I was able to see his wife at a get together couple of weeks later. There seemed to be distance between them, even though she was there he didn't sit and eat dinner with her, he was just standing around and looking while his immediate colleagues were all with their wives. Something didn't seem right between them. They did kiss when they were leaving but even my friend said that something was weird between them.

My issue is that I have met other people after him but I just wish that I WOULD HAVE NEVER MET HIM. There are two other new girls at the office after me, but they don't get the same attention I do or the types of looks that I do. I have to sort through my emotions and figure out how to forget about our brief flirting. He represents everything I want in a man, he is aggressive when needed, takes control of things, is seen as a mentor, is successful, just exactly what I would want in a man. My other dates after that compare nothing to him. We used to talk on our company instant message (just general things) but that stopped also now.

I just don't know why he led me on.
I have been celibate for 8 years (almost 9 in 2020) and not even kissed a guy (yes that's the truth). People think I can get anyone I want, but that's not true at all. I have not had a relationship in 8 years and this was the first guy that came along and blew up my world.
Now im just confused.
im trying to keep moving forward but I just don't know why he did what he did...

Well, welcome to PC. That said, there is a lot in your post. I guess the first obvious question is, are you looking to date a married guy? Are you looking for him to leave his wife? What do you want from him?

Married men can be every bit as flirtatious as women. In my experience, in men, it is often ego-driven. Oh, look at that gorgeous new girl, she thinks I'm hot. See, I still got it. Even if my wife is a bi***, I still got it.

No idea if this is what was going on with him, of course, but having been married a long time (no longer) and having traveled for work, I worked with and met a goodly number of lovely young ladies on the road. It did make me feel good to have their occasional attention. I ended up almost marrying an Australian woman I met under just such circumstances. She was very good for me. She made me feel like my (not nice and then history) wife was wrong about me. That I was desirable. That I could "get" another desirable girl/woman, if need be. So there.

I think you may be reading too much into his motives. I suspect they are more basic. But I could be wrong. If I were you, I would steer clear of him and focus on your work. It sounds like finding men is not a challenge for you, so surely, someone solid should come along at some point. And just btw--why have you chosen to be single for so long? Not judging you--I, too, am single, by choice. Just curious.

I recommend refraining from flirting at work. Even if he was single it’s better not look for future partners at work.

I’d say if he asked you out or made other passes on you, it would be leading you on but if he just looked at you or laughed when you regularly visited his desk or even got coffee together, I am not sure it’s called leading on.

I wouldn’t try to look into what’s wrong with his marriage. There is likely nothing wrong. They might not be into pda or might be just those kind of people in public. I’d say if he had bad marriage he probably wouldn’t even bring her. But it doesn’t really matter. A man is married and at no point suggested you two have an affair ((bad idea regardless)

Just focus on your work task. I don’t know what you do for a living but it amazes me how much time and energy people have at work to be able to socialize that much. Does this job bore you? Maybe there is something more suitable out there that would get you so engaged in work task you’d not notice or care if men at work looking at you or not

I am having a hard time seeing it as him leading you on. Maybe he thought you were leading him on?

Some married men enjoy the flirtation, but then don't intend on acting upon it. Like it's stated above, some enjoy the attention and it gives them an ego boost. But I wouldn't worry at this point about why he flirted when he's married. He's married. Also, a word of advice: I wouldn't go looking for a romance from within the office. It can lead to a messy situation especially if it doesn't work out. A cardinal rule to follow at work: don't date at work and don't have office romances. I find it's a good rule to stick to.

I was wondering the same thing as divine, what kind of job do you have that people have so much free time to be flirting and talking?

And I also agree with the others that say don't get romantically involved with people you work with. Focus on doing your job.

Everyone likes positive attention. This man was enjoying the attention and probably figured you already were involved with someone. You did change things when you shared that you have a crush on him. That's like saying you are interested in more than just flirting. Well, you learned that next time you have an attraction like this it's best to find out if the man is married/committed first. And some men do like to enjoy the company of an attractive female coworker but only want to keep it as a positive coworker/collegue experience and nothing more.

I think it may be helpful for you to put the shoe on the other foot where if you were married and committed and an attractive man entered the place of your employment and you began to enjoy his attention, even went for coffee etc. and he changed that by admitting he had a crush on you. You may have felt safe to flirt in a very platonic way and did not expect this guy to think MORE could happen. People DO invest a lot in their marriage, it's not a simple "If I meet some attractive woman it's easy to end things". Walking away from a marriage can mean giving up a great deal for a person. And you don't really want a man that finds it easy to cheat either.

You also need to be mindful when it comes to your work environment, you don't want to develop into "that woman who flirts and cheats and chases men at work". There are women who consider work environments "hunting grounds" and they are not looked upon favorably. The other challenge is that men DO have to be careful now in the workforce and make sure they don't do anything that crosses the lines where a woman can suddenly cry "he is treating me inappropriately".

I would leave your married coworker alone.

Just focus on doing your job and stop flirting with the men at your office.

As Open Eyes pointed out, you could get the reputation as the office flirt who creates drama, and that will effect the way your work supervisors view and treat you.

In the future, I would NOT be looking at work as a place of flirting, talking and whatever else. Not a good dating pool. Who cares "why"? You put in just as much time as he did and he's married so you are the loser here. Wasted time for you.

Find activities outside of work to use as a dating pool.

leavers little time for actual work.

just do your job. leave the entertaining for someplace else..they hired you to work, not for you to find a true love etc.....