Post-Breakup - Mutual Friends

I've recently had a rather traumatic breakup with my ex-boyfriend. I've posted about it in the Depression forum, but in a nutshell - after 7 years I found out, as a result of his suicide attempt, that he cheated on me, was unsafe, continued to have unprotected sex with me for 4 months and contracted HIV. Currently I am negative - I get tested again in a month.

There are a lot of issues at play here, but the biggest for me is that he was unsafe with a stranger and put me at incredible risk. It's left me with a lot of anger of course.

I have a fairly small circle of close friends - there's 5 of them. They've all been feeling a lot of mixed emotions about all of this, but anger is a major one, and the anger (for all of us) has been increasing as time has passed - it's been about a month since this all came to light.

One of my friends I've been friends with for about 15 years - she's always been my friend, not his. She liked him well enough, but they were never friends, so she's not torn in any way. Two are married, and they were his friends that I met when we started dated (grew up with, met the other in college). We've since become very close, and I'm probably closer with each of them than he is. They're both furious and one hasn't spoken to my ex since this has happened, the other has had some contact. The other two I've met during the course of our relationship. They're each closer to me - we're the ones who talk on the phone and keep in touch - but still they're friends with both of us. One of them is the person that he called the night he took the pills.

Now, my issue is that since this has happened, my ex has been basically acting as if nothing is wrong, and as if what happened is basically just another break-up - he's not really acknowledging to me or anyone else that he put my health and my life at risk. He sends emails to some of these people with small talk, and has never acknowledged what happened. He even sent a friendly and funny birthday card to my mother, yet offered no other contact with my parents, including offering an apology to them that I think they deserve.

We had been contacting each other a bit, but I've since told him that I don't want any communication with him, and I've told him that pretending that nothing is wrong has made me feel even more disrespected than I already had.

What's really bothering me now is the mutual friends. They're all angry with him, and they feel that what he did was horrible and wrong, and that they don't know who he is anymore, and how his behavior since this happened has been inappropriate etc... One of them (one of the married couple) wrote him a long email about this and about how she doesn't want any contact with him right now as a result of it, but she has not sent it and it seems like she won't. Another friend was contributing to the small talk, but now feels guilty about it and says she doesn't want to deal with him at all. The other is trying to maintain a friendship with each of us, and will not discuss each of us with the other, but has told me that she does not intend to let him ignore this like everyone else is.

(For the record - when all this first happened, and he was in the hospital and released from the hospital etc, they all were with me every day. They weren't visiting him, they were with me.)

However, I'm having these very strong feelings of dissatisfaction with their behaviors. I know they all have to do what's right for them, but I really want people to directly tell him that what he did and what he's continuing to do sucks. It was an incredible injustice to me, and I feel that by having contact, or by not saying so directly to him, that it's giving him permission and approval. I feel like nobody is really standing up for me directly. To be totally honest, I want people to pick sides! I know that's unfair and immature and everything, and I don't want to tell them that, but I don't know how I'd be able to maintain a friendship with each of them if I feel that they're basically just looking the other way as far as he's concerned, and thereby granting permission.

It's still a fairly recent thing, but it has been a month, and people have begun to really process this stuff more now that the shock has worn off, and most of them seem to be landing in the same place of anger, and it feels like even more of an injustice to me that they're not saying this to him.

I feel that at some point I'm going to have to start distancing myself from some of them if I still feel this way. But I really don't want to. I love them. They're all wonderful people who care about me a lot and have shown a ridiculous amount of support for me through this. Why can't I be satisfied with that? Why do I need more? Why do I need some kind of formal statement from each of them to him saying that what he did was horrible and possibly criminal, and they don't want to be around him as a result? Am I being selfish? How do I feel this way and not also lose friends in this?

Sorry this is so long - it's a habit of mine.

I'm sorry you are going through so much. I hope your friends come through for you. I don't think you're selfish, but people don't always meet our expectations.

This is one of the many types of Ultimate Betrayal that people face today. Him cheating, having unprotected sex, contracting HIV, and possibly passing it to you is horrible! I cannot blame you for wanting answers, an apology, and some acknowledgement BUT you are NOT going to get it. He hasn't come to terms with it himself. The scariest part is that he is probably out there having more unprotected sex and there will be someone else who's life is ruined because of this jerk. Wiped your hands clean of him. Use this situation for the better. Help other people by educating them about HIV. It may be you one day holding the hand of another girl he's been with that he infects.

The so-called friends you're talking about....it's a dilemna for them too. It's hard for them to accept that someone they also trusted is seriously hurting other people without caring enough about all of you. Some friends will walk away from all it. Out of fear & the unknown. Don't fault them for it. But don't expect them to be there for you. It might be too much for them to handle. Considering that you do expect them to 'pick sides' you're going to disappoint yourself because they don't want to be in this position that he put everyone in.

Make yourself strong. Show these friends that you are going to try and do something good with the knowledge that you have gained with or without them and without any apologies from the Ex-boyfriend. Empower yourself!! Knowledge is Power!!

Prayers for a you!

Ocean

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EvenMoreLost said:
I've recently had a rather traumatic breakup with my ex-boyfriend. I've posted about it in the Depression forum, but in a nutshell - after 7 years I found out, as a result of his suicide attempt, that he cheated on me, was unsafe, continued to have unprotected sex with me for 4 months and contracted HIV. Currently I am negative - I get tested again in a month.

There are a lot of issues at play here, but the biggest for me is that he was unsafe with a stranger and put me at incredible risk. It's left me with a lot of anger of course.

I have a fairly small circle of close friends - there's 5 of them. They've all been feeling a lot of mixed emotions about all of this, but anger is a major one, and the anger (for all of us) has been increasing as time has passed - it's been about a month since this all came to light.

One of my friends I've been friends with for about 15 years - she's always been my friend, not his. She liked him well enough, but they were never friends, so she's not torn in any way. Two are married, and they were his friends that I met when we started dated (grew up with, met the other in college). We've since become very close, and I'm probably closer with each of them than he is. They're both furious and one hasn't spoken to my ex since this has happened, the other has had some contact. The other two I've met during the course of our relationship. They're each closer to me - we're the ones who talk on the phone and keep in touch - but still they're friends with both of us. One of them is the person that he called the night he took the pills.

Now, my issue is that since this has happened, my ex has been basically acting as if nothing is wrong, and as if what happened is basically just another break-up - he's not really acknowledging to me or anyone else that he put my health and my life at risk. He sends emails to some of these people with small talk, and has never acknowledged what happened. He even sent a friendly and funny birthday card to my mother, yet offered no other contact with my parents, including offering an apology to them that I think they deserve.

We had been contacting each other a bit, but I've since told him that I don't want any communication with him, and I've told him that pretending that nothing is wrong has made me feel even more disrespected than I already had.

What's really bothering me now is the mutual friends. They're all angry with him, and they feel that what he did was horrible and wrong, and that they don't know who he is anymore, and how his behavior since this happened has been inappropriate etc... One of them (one of the married couple) wrote him a long email about this and about how she doesn't want any contact with him right now as a result of it, but she has not sent it and it seems like she won't. Another friend was contributing to the small talk, but now feels guilty about it and says she doesn't want to deal with him at all. The other is trying to maintain a friendship with each of us, and will not discuss each of us with the other, but has told me that she does not intend to let him ignore this like everyone else is.

(For the record - when all this first happened, and he was in the hospital and released from the hospital etc, they all were with me every day. They weren't visiting him, they were with me.)

However, I'm having these very strong feelings of dissatisfaction with their behaviors. I know they all have to do what's right for them, but I really want people to directly tell him that what he did and what he's continuing to do sucks. It was an incredible injustice to me, and I feel that by having contact, or by not saying so directly to him, that it's giving him permission and approval. I feel like nobody is really standing up for me directly. To be totally honest, I want people to pick sides! I know that's unfair and immature and everything, and I don't want to tell them that, but I don't know how I'd be able to maintain a friendship with each of them if I feel that they're basically just looking the other way as far as he's concerned, and thereby granting permission.

It's still a fairly recent thing, but it has been a month, and people have begun to really process this stuff more now that the shock has worn off, and most of them seem to be landing in the same place of anger, and it feels like even more of an injustice to me that they're not saying this to him.

I feel that at some point I'm going to have to start distancing myself from some of them if I still feel this way. But I really don't want to. I love them. They're all wonderful people who care about me a lot and have shown a ridiculous amount of support for me through this. Why can't I be satisfied with that? Why do I need more? Why do I need some kind of formal statement from each of them to him saying that what he did was horrible and possibly criminal, and they don't want to be around him as a result? Am I being selfish? How do I feel this way and not also lose friends in this?

Sorry this is so long - it's a habit of mine.

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Thank you both for your kind words and support.

Well, so far none of my friends have left me. No, none of them want to be in this situation - one that could have so easily been avoided. But he created this, and we find ourselves in it regardless.

A couple of them have severed contact with him - one has written him a letter, the other is just distancing herself for now. The third is still in contact - she's the one he called that night. Last night I saw her and could no longer hold it back - I told her how I was feeling. It was really difficult, but I told her that being around her is triggering me. I have so much I'm dealing with right now, I just need distance from anything that will make me feel bad.

She understands, and she wants to be there for me - she said I'm her best friend - but she doesn't want to cause me more pain. It's just a difficult situation, but I really just don't know what else to do. I feel awkward around her, and I feel like there is just too much in the air, too much that can't be acknowledged, and it creates distance for me.

I don't know what to do. I see my T tonight - I'm hoping she has some suggestions. I don't want things to be like this, but I don't see an alternative. I don't want this, but I don't want the wounds to be reopened all the time either. Having him only one person away from me is way too close at a time when I need as much distance as possible. It may not always be like this, but it is right now. I have to build myself back up.

I love her deeply, but I don't know what else to do.

Anyway, thanks again.