Breakup over marijuana use?

I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. I knew from the beginning that he had a long history of drug use but he told me he was clean. Well here lately he's been hanging out with some old friends smoking pot. I am adamently against this. He gives me the argument about how it's harmless, etc. etc. but really it goes against my values. He wants me to accept him for who he is (someone who at age 30 smokes pot and sees nothing wrong with it) or break up. We've decided for now to take 2 weeks off from each other. But what should I do?

If it goes against your values, but he refuses to stop, what else can you do but either accept his pot smoking... or break up.

IMO, his pot smoking is indicative of other traits that may difficult for you to accept, too. Think about it.

Hey Lulu,

You already have my two cents, but I'd like to know how things turn out!

It's a tough spot to be in isn't it LuLu?

Unfortunately, some people have addictive traits and/or just plain don't care about themselves or the law for that matter.

As much as it hurts to think of breaking up, you must be true to yourself and your ideals. Staying with him will only bring on lots of hate and discontent should he continue his pot smoking. Then you will loose sight of your ideals and feel guilty and angry at not only him, but yourself as well. IMO, your ideals are the most important thing here.

If he is so insensitive to you that he gives you the ulitmatum of accept his pot smoking or break up, it is pretty clear where his thoughts lie hon. They are more about himself than anything else.....*sigh*

Be true to yourself hon.....for you are the one who has to live with you all the time. I wish you well!

Hugsss
sabby

I say get over it and let him smoke some pot if he really wants too. I smoke pot when I can....and it is harmless. It has no addictive components, it doesn't make you a junkie. Pot actually helps some people...for production purposes. Ending a relationship solely on pot is a mistake and will be regretted later. Allow him to find his own boat...if he begins acting risky then there's really nothing that could be done...if he starts using his drug of choice again, then that will be a good enough reason to split your relationship.

This is all my opinion really. I could be wrong according to your circumstances...but I'm just saying.

LuLu, like Shakespeare said once... "This above all: To thine own self be true."

If you don't like it, you don't like it. You can't change him or he you. You accept him, just not his behavior :-) If he's not willing to change this behavior, (after claiming to be "clean" which no one would do in the first place if they didn't feel the "need"?) then it doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship? I'd breakup.

I disagree about the 'need' thing - some people drink a glass of wine in the evening, but it doesn't mean that they have a problem. Many marijuana smokers do so for the same reason and at the same 'dose' as an evening drink. It's not necessarily indicative of an addiction.

However, I agree with everyone else regarding him drawing the line and making you choose between living with it and losing him. He's making his choice as to which is more important. The other thing, and only you would be able to assess this, is that I strongly object to using ANY substance - wine, beer, marijuana, liquor - as a way of self-medicating. But again, you would have to determine that because we don't know him.

I meant he wouldn't have needed to say he was clean to LuLu; he wouldn't have given it up at all if there wasn't some reason he wanted to give it up? I don't think he "changed his mind" about it; like cigarette smokers he got back in the habit from being around others who smoke/the opportunity. He probably has to give up those friends in order to give up smoking again and I doubt he's willing to do that. If they're not known to LuLu, if she isn't "included" in that group, why should she want to let that continue? That's a change in the relationship he has chosen (to be with them instead of with her).

He's "addicted" in that he can't be with those people and not smoke, because they're smoking. Many people who do have an alcohol problem can't be around alcohol without drinking. If you have to drink 1 glass of wine every night, can't not drink that glass of wine, that's a habit, possibly an addiction. But, only people who have a problem with others drinking are even going to notice how many/if another person is drinking whereas everyone is going to notice another smoking (cigarettes or marijuana) and quite a few are going to have a problem with that. No one has to go off with "others" and exclude their former intimates to drink a glass of wine with their dinner.

I don't know what you should do.

It's illegal and it's self-medicating. He lied to you. He's justifying his lying and continued use and he plans to continue because he wants to.

I think he's not ready for a relationship at this point in his life, with these behaviors.

You've already done it! Just don't go back now.

Marijuana use is more than just illegal. Take the time to look over the whole situation. He lied to you. He can't control his habit. He enjoys his friends that support him in the habit. He doesn't see the problems.

What's in this lifestyle for you? If this is the way you want to live, and worse, the rest of your life, then return to him.

If you wish to remain true to your honorable values, and make a good life for yourself without this baggage, then just keep on walking.

its really not breaking up over pot its breaking up because he doesnt take your feelings seriously. im going through the same thing (although my boyfriend doesnt have a problem with drugs) he feels like he should be able to if he wants to and he is only 23. which i totally understand but am scared it would turn into that. be he has said if i dont want him to he wont. so thats a different story.

you dont sound like a druggie so you cant really understand how the brain works while youre on drugs. unless the person wants to change himself, drugs will always be more important than anything else. its sad to say but its true.

i have been begging my dad for years to stop drinking. i threatened to never talk to him again. but alcohol and drugs were still more important than his own daughter.

do yourself a favor and leave before it hurts even worse. i can see the road its going down and its not a fun one. you cant change people, they have to change themselves. i know its hard to walk away from someone you care about and watch them mess up their lives but they wont listen to you if theyre really into it. and telling him is all you can do. good luck and i hope you can get the strength to leave. its hard to do but at least you see that there is a problem.

LuLu?

LuLu,

I'll be honest with you and tell you that I used to smoke pot a little more than 20 yrs. ago (41 now). did so because i could get a high without a hangover or vomiting. i'm not proud of it but know what to look for if my son starts using. i have absolutely no desire to touch it today. i can say that i wasn't a big user. only did it on the weekends.... weekend warrior. really did it in defiance of my mother.

if marijuana use is against your values and your boyfriend is using, it may be a good idea to break up. if i were in your place, i think that i would just end up resenting him for it. i don't know how often he is using but he may begin to use often with his pot smoking friends. given your beliefs, i can't see that you would ever tag along with him when he and his friends are going to use. i know that i wouldn't.

everyone has faults. i think it comes down to which faults you can live with and which that you can't. seems like marijuana use is strongly against your core values. my advice (for what it is worth), save yourself the heartache and move on.

as a side note, he never needs marijuana. that is a pure excuse. i never needed it; i just wanted it. came a time where i grew up and turned away from it easily. actually, the last time i did it, i didn't find it the least bit fun and was completely ashamed of myself, especially as i let so-called friends talk me into it.

good luck. i hope that you make a decision you feel good about.

I agree - not everyone who smokes pot *needs* pot; the same way that not everyone who drinks a glass of wine with dinner is an alcoholic.

Use and abuse are two entirely different things.

What's important in Lulu's case is whether her boyfriend respects her discomfort. That is the part that needs to be addressed first and foremost.

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LuLu?

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I can relate to your boyfriend's position. I know my ex and I said the same to each other around my smoking pot. Not sure who said it first.... me saying... 'you don't like it you know where the door is' or him saying.... 'stop smoking pot or I'm leaving you.' Either way its a pretty telling statement about the state of the relationship overall in my opinion.

For me it wasn't about needing or wanting the pot more than I wanted our relationship. I could take it or leave it and went though phases of both. It wasn't my only bad habit... I smoked cigarettes and was a major workaholic..... but because it was pot and illegal and riddled with social stigmas..... in our circle of friends and family it was an easy target for criticism or stereotyping.

He had his own assortment of habits too. He over ate, drank wine with his dinner and gambled now and then. It always seemed to me that my pot smoking was being discriminated against and it wasn't right. For a long time I just ignored his nagging about it until one day it came to a head and the ultimatum was framed.

As far as I was concerned at the time.... if he was prepared to let something I thought was minor be a major dealbreaker for him than I needed to know that. If he was going to think it was okay for him to impose his beliefs on me than I wanted to know that too. It wasn't because the pot meant more to me than our relationship that the ultimatum ended up on the table. At the end of the day it was because the pot meant more to him than our relationship.

I let him walk because I couldn't trust him not to impose himself on me with bigger issues down the road. If he was willing to break us up because of a habit I have that he doesn't like then it said volumes to me about how committed he would be to me if we faced real challenges down the road..... like accepting the effects of my mood swings and related behaviours.

My ex eventually dropped the subject of my pot smoking and learned to live with it. I eventually quit using all together for sustained periods of time for reasons other than his approval ratings. In the end our relationship didn't survive but that was mostly because of my isolating and pushing him away when my moods would cycle. I became too difficult to live with overall and he left to get away from the drama.

I obviously think your boyfriend has a legitimate point when he suggests 'take me as I am or not at all.' If pot smoking is that offensive to you that you will chuck the relationship then do it sooner rather than later is my advise. It's a two sided coin. Just a question of who's will is stronger and which values count more. If tolerance and acceptance aren't an option than letting go is probably the best thing you can do for both of you. Maybe this way you can still remain friends. We can often accept behaviours in friends that we never accept in our lovers.

All the best to you as you sort out your feelings about this. I wish you both well.

Thank you all for your input. For those of you who recommend staying true to my values, that's where I am at this point. I do believe I would resent him in the future if I accepted and allowed his drug use. However, he is the first man I've been with who has truly been supportive through my depressive episodes. He understands my mood swings and goes to my doc appts with me. Isn't this hard to find? I am torn b/c if I let him go I fear I may not find someone else who can accept my emotional shortcomings. That is something I NEED in a relationship and he is wonderful in that respect. Thoughts?

you can and you will find someone else.

i used to think a couple years ago that every single man on the face of this earth was a total scumbag. and since then i have met my boyfriend who is so supportive with all my activism and stands by me through anything. and i have met many woman who have the same support through their boyfriend/husband etc...

what you need to do is look for the nice guy. the nerdy one who loves star wars lol. the charming ones are charming for a reason. thats how they get into drugs, cheating etc is having that quality about them. my boyfriend has no game what so ever. couldnt hit on a girl if he tried but he is so good to me. look for the un-smooth ones lol

My boyfriend just broke up with me over a very similar situation. Smoking pot to me is no biggie. I agree with the posting above, it is not going to turn someone into a junkie. And I believe he is past the age of experimenting with other drugs because of marajuana. But as others have already posted, you will end of building a real resentment cause he smokes and you dont want him to. If you can not find a way to accept it, then maybe getting out of the relationship is your only choice.

I'm kinda reading something like:

"I adore my boyfriend. He's the only one that was there when I felt bad. Gooood, I love this guy... but in the evening, before bedtime, he always wants a cup of chocolate milk.... AAARGH!! chocolate milk!! He's 30 y old, and that's really something for kids. I see no other option but to leave him."

And now for the other side of the story:
When I turned 18, I had a GF that I reeeaaally loved. She wanted me to stop smoking pot. I told her "I really love you, but you know, this spliff ain't hurting nobody, and if you can't love me when I have fun, maybe we're not made for each other.". 3 months later, she broke up with me. 5 months after that, I was in treatment for psychosis, a drug habit and what would later turn out to be manic depression.

Hmmm... guess if I had a time machine, I'd go back to my 18th birthday, and say "k, honey, whatever you want..."

I just reread my own posts and it glares of denial to me.... ramblings of a true addictive mentality.

My story and circumstances aside I think now that I'm not using anymore and can look back to those days and see the subtleties of its hold... perhaps I can be more objective and less naive about how it impacted my life and the lives of those who love me. Perhaps I can be less defensive about my past choices and behaviours.

Mr. Unstable help turned the light bulb on this for me... thanks........ I'd like to step into that same time machine and give more heed to what my ex was asking of me. It may have changed a lot for us. We talk about it now and then and at the end of the day there is no denying his intentions. To help me get well.

The truth is that the pot was enabling me to stay sick. When I couldn't cope by other means of self talk and relaxation exercises I'd use the pot and convince myself it was better than psych drugs. It eased the anxiety and gave me the manic type feelings I like. What I've learned since is that the relief is temporary and not without its side effects. Over time and misuse it began to magnify the anxiety once the high retreated. Its a slipper slop when one elects to self medicate with street drugs.

Learning how to relax with meditation and exercise has since replaced my pot 'medicine'. I've since learned too that my spirit got numbed along with my brain when I got high. At best it was an easy escape for a few hours.... at worst it was a trigger to cycle me into deeper anxiety and depression after the initial peace subsided. Its hard to see the truth sometimes..... even if its coming from a loved one. I thank my ex for staying true to his convictions and analysis of my use of pot. Had he turned a blind eye and said nothing I may not have ever faced my truth.

Sorry for highjacking your thread to share my own epiphany moment.

chocolatelover,

No apologies necessary, your "epiphany moment" was helpful to read. And Mr. Unstable made his point very well.

Just as an update, the breakup occured two nights ago. It took me that long to gain the strength and courage. There were other issues besides the marijuana use and it became so overwhelming that I couldn't take it anymore.

I'm at peace with my decision right now, and hope it stays that way. I've been known to get lonely and scared and fall back into a bad relationship, but I'm hopeful this time will be different. I'm lucky enough to have many supportive people in my life right now, including some of you who have responded to my post.

Thank you for your input!

Thanks for the update LuLu.... been wondering how you were doing.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you adjust to the changes you are facing. I'm glad you have many supportive people around you. Be sure to lean on them. Your peace will be challenged and so will your resolve. Take good care of your whole self -- physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

You mentioned concern about following old patterns... hoping this time to be different. You will have to orchestrate things to be different LuLu. It won't happen by itself. I'm sure you know that but it doesn't hurt to be reminded in times like these.

It's going to take some hard work for you to avoid old patterns. You might want to consider working with someone through some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. There are probably some good sources of self-help here on PC that can help you reprogram some of your thinking. Teach you how to avoid some of those old habits and thought processes.

You need to put on a strong armour of self awareness if you want to stay strong and maintain your peace. Best way to resist the doubting days ahead is to focus on validating every part of who you are.

You sound like an amazing, loving and wise woman who knows what she needs and isn't afraid to make it happen.

Take good care....