When you get the feeling someone is not as nice as others think

Has anyone experienced meeting someone and it seems like a lot of people like the person, but due to their actions and the way they talk to others and even about others, you get the feeling they are not as nice as they are putting on? I know in some cases, if you just simply dislike the person and especially if they dislike you, this can affect your view of them. In some cases, they may be fine and it is just your own perception, but not all the time.

I know sometimes it is just your own perception of them. But there are other times where, whether they like you or not, you get this heavy gut feeling that they are secretly very mean and others don’t seem to notice. Usually I feel this way towards someone if I notice they talk to another person and may even treat them like they are best friends to their face, but then rip them apart behind their back, especially if they are in a bad mood or someone angers them, even in a minor way. It can be frustrating to be the only one who appears to notice.

Has anyone else felt this way about someone? I know one if the people I feel this way towards is one of my coworkers. She is very talkative and nice to people’s faces, and at first glance, it may look like they are best friends. But behind their backs, I’ve heard her say some rude and even unprofessional things about the same person that indicate that she really doesn’t like them. She has done this to a lot of people. A lot of other coworkers seem to like her and be blind towards her actions.

She doesn’t like me for some reason, but I’ve felt this way towards other people that did like me so I know it is not just my perception of her. Does it annoy you when others seem to be blind to the behavior? It’s happened in other cases I notice someone acting in a way that makes me think they are secretly very mean but they are putting on an act and others appear oblivious to it. How do you deal with being the only one that seems to notice someone acting like this while others appear oblivious? Just wondered.

I believe you're not the only one who noticed that coworker of yours is like that, especially if she said those rude things while being with other people just for the sake of criticizing the absent person.

However, people usually don't do anything about that, simply because you can't change someone and in order not to have a confrontation with that person. I had this classmate of mine who used to do the same. She was friendly with everybody but when someone wasn't present she loved saying bad things about them. And I wasn't the only one who noticed. At first I thought so, until one day someone else mentioned it. But what else could I do? If I told the criticized person what was said about them I'd get in trouble, and no matter how many times I could try it, that classmate of mine wouldn't change her attitude just because I told her to. I also had the feeling she hated me, and I've always believed it was because I knew how she truly was so I didn't talk to her much.

In my experience, it's better not to pay attention to that person. It's completely normal to believe someone is actually mean if there are signs that make you believe so. If she says something similar in front of you just ignore her. And don't worry about what she may be saying about you (if you ever do), it's not worth it. What she says about others says more about her than about them.

I have noticed that too., rdgrad15.

It can be so frustrating.

Unkind behavior doesn't seem to automatically make people unlikeable and less popular. It almost seems like if a person or person is getting their primary needs met in a friendship that they can become blind to someone's faults.

Sometimes even knowing a person's faults won't break up a relationship if it is meeting someone's needs. Maybe this is the case with your coworker? What do you think?

People convicted of serious felonies are often popular in spite of their misdeeds. It is so mysterious why people are quite fond of certain people and not others.

I could be wrong, but I think Insight doesn't always come when it is most needed.

It seems like you have some insight into your coworkers character that your other coworkers lack. Maybe insight will come to your coworkers with time.
Unfortunately I would be the last person to offer you advice since I have been in the same situation and didn't know how to handle it.

Hopefully you will find an approach that works for you for the very best and with the least undesirable side effects. I wish you great, great luck in this!

- Yaowen

Yeah makes sense. Yeah it is possible that they know, they just do nothing about it. Yeah there really is nothing that can be done in most cases except hope she realizes how damaging her behavior is. Yeah I do worry about what she says about me, I’m sure she has. I know I did hear her once backstabbing me just because I was actually working while her and a few others were just sitting around talking. I agree though that her behavior has more to do with her.

I know. In some cases, it could be that people notice but never say or do anything about it, but yeah other times people seem to favor those with horrible personalities. And yeah sometimes I wonder if the desire to have needs met is contributing to it.

Unfortunately people like that usually don't realize how their words hurt both themselves and the person they talk about.

You shouldn't. If she were a close relative or a good friend of yours then what she said about you should matter, but she would tell you face to face. But she's not, and she criticized you for doing your job. This is very familiar to me... I've seen the same pattern many times: someone believes it's cool to criticize someone for their good job, something they should be doing in the first place but for some reason they don't and they'd rather make you feel bad about it instead of trying to improve themselves.

Don't let her interfere with your productivity in your job. It's hard to stay away from someone who works with you. If she says hello it's OK to greet back, but if she ever tries to pretend she's friendly with you it's up to you to believe her or not.

I'm someone who worries about others' opinions, too. And because of this I can tell you why you shouldn't. Personally, what I do is to compare how I and the other person are treated by others. Many students were nice to this classmate of mine and she always was the center of attention but almost nobody said anything good to her and if she needed something nobody cared, while I used to receive many compliments and I've been helped many times when I asked for help. Pay attention to the way you and she are treated by your coworkers. I'm sure you'll notice the same difference.

Yeah I agree. It is unprofessional as well to gossip in the work place but it happens unfortunately. Yeah I compare too and yeah I’m sure there are subtle differences. And yeah in the rare cases where she is putting on a nice front towards me, I assume it is out of obligation.

People who behave that way tend to think they are superior to everyone else. Narcissists tend to behave the way you are describing. They are not really nice, they are just acting. It's all an agenda, it's not genuine.

Yeah I agree. Yeah usually there is a reason I will believe someone is secretly not a very nice person. I don’t feel that way towards just anyone that doesn’t talk to me. I know some people are nice, they just may not care to talk to me. But others I feel have a secret agenda like you said and their politeness is all an act. And from what I’ve heard, people who are introverts like me tend to be more observant and notice things more. They may notice things sooner than those who are extroverts.