[Arialside]

Hi guys,


Thanks in advance for helping me get to where I need to get!

I have been dating my partner for 7 months. We are both female. She is 28 and I am 36.


A little about her. She has history of open relationships. Every relationship she has been in ended up open at some point. She has also been very sexually adventurous and been a 3rd long term with several couples. I have no problem with this. Only wondered about the compatibility of expectation of me not wanting to be open and visa versa.


Myself. I've had quite the sexual past. However, when I'm in a relationship. I am committed and monogamous.


Her and I have amazing chemistry and get along like I have never before. She hits every darn characteristic and personality type that I want in my future partner, aside from dishonesty.


Moving forward, we were sleeping together for 2 weeks. I requested that we get checked and if we sleep together more we should not exchange bodily fluids with anyone else to be safe. I said if you exchange fluids with anyone else, to be safe, stop sleeping with me. At first, she said, I have only been with 2 people since her last test in April, a couple and they are clean. I said, no problem. For safety, lets both still get tested. So we did. Recently, she told me that she was still sleeping with people when we first started hanging out. I said really? I thought you were only with 2 people before we first started sleeping together? I caught her in a lie. It was actually 4 people. Which I could care less. But I really do care about lying.


Obviously catching this lie, I started to interrogate. After pressing her, she then admitted that (before we had our STD test & no body fluid swapped) she made out with someone at a club. She said she didn't know what I wanted from her and we hadn't discussed any details about being exclusive. I 100% understand that and AGREE! However, taking you back to that night and the types of conversations we would have. She was texting me sweet nothing, saying that she only has eyes for me. All she can think about is me. She can't wait to get back into town to see me etc throughout the night. Then in the morning texting me how she can't get home fast enough to see me. Sending me selfies. I then asked her, what if she went home with you. Would you have slept with her? She said no and kept on repeating no. I got off the phone with her.


She then text me. I am such a coward, I should have told you. I slept with her that night. She did come home with me. I was scared to tell you cause I'm so scared to loose you.


She then admitted that recently (while exclusive) at the club with friends, a girl tried to kiss her but she backed off. I said... A girl tried to kiss you? Girls don't just try to kiss people like that without some prior instigation. Tell me the truth. I had to pry it out of her that she was dancing with her and may have given her the signal that kissing was welcome. She said she was scared to tell me.


Normally, I would NEVER let this sort of stuff slide. Maybe Maybe it's because she so charming and says and does all the right things but everything aside from this is absolutely perfect... In every way! So I feel like I'm in a rock in a hard place right now. I've done my fair share of dating and I'm human. So I know we are ALL flawed and no one is perfect. However, trust and betraying are two vital components to a relationship. She claims EVERYTHING is all out on the table now and that she holds no more lies or dishonesty. She also said she is going to talk to someone about why she made these bad choices and figure out how to be a better version of herself.


Now I'm left with 3 choices:


1) Cut her off completely. I have moments of this.


2) Get to know her as a friend. She is a wonderful daughter, sister and friend. Treats her family and friends with such love and care. I would be silly to pass up a friendship like she has to offer.


3) This isn't a goal, but a possibility. Through the growth of friendship and her working on herself through counseling possibly SLOWLY rebuild trust.


I'm not too sure where to go from here but it would be awesome to hear people's experiences. Specially from professionals that understand human behaviors and patterns.


Everything above makes her sound so horrible. But she is indeed a very loving person who puts people first in many ways. She has a big heart and cares deeply about her friends and family. Shes very engaging with the people she loves and gives them her best self. She may just need to be in an open relationship but hasn't figured that out. Maybe the connection with me blinded her from her natural being.


Advice?

[TheDarkWoods]

Trust is a really hard thing to rebuild once it has been torn down.
I have been going through something similar and I was hoping there might be more answers on here. For now I guess I might offer my take on it.

I am a bisexual female who is currently with a man. When we met, he was in an open relationship. As things got more serious, he chose me over the other partners and told me that was that.
A few months in, I found out (on my own, he did not tell me) that he was talking to another girl about doing certain things when we had decides to become monogamous. This hurt, and I called him on it. He vowed it would never happen again. We have been together for 4 years now, but earlier this past year I found out again that he was talking with yet another girl behind my back. Given, he was trying to get her in to a threesome with us, which would have been fine, but it should have gone through me before he even thought about bringing her in to such a discussion. Needless to say I made him cut contact with her and while she was once a friend, I do not call one any longer. I consider it an emotional affair because there were times where he was neglecting to text me back, but would text her all day long, things he had stopped saying to me.

Now that my griping is over, I have to say that he has broken the trust I had in him quite extensively.
I have spoken with him on it however to great extent. He knows what he has to do, he knows that this is a last chance for him. Some times there just has to be an ultimatum and you have to care about yourself enough to move on, even if it hurts. There also has to be communication between you and your partner as well, which it does seem that you have made sure to do. Some times people can surprise you though?

It is a tough situation. I hope things get for you and the right choice comes to you one day.

[bpcyclist]

I am no psychologist, therapist, or psychiatrist, that's for sure. But I do have a PhD in being on the bad end of infidelity/straying/whatever you want to call it.

No idea how an"open" relationship works, especially with it being committed on one side and open on the other. That just sounds like a mess to me.

The real damage to a relationship between any two people in any type of perceived straying situation is not the sex. It is the lying. Every so often, it is a once-in-a-lifetime move of stupidty that will never happen again. I have seen this once. More often than not, though, people who cheat and lie, cheat and lie. Hence, the saying--cheaters cheat.

It would seem this type of behavior has been shown to be who this woman is, irrespective of how great a daughter or how charming or interesting or whatever she is. You are just going to have to decide how much grief her company is worth. I stuck with someone who was a serial cheater and she is who she is. Should have left her way, way before I did. Those people are nothing but heartache. At their core, they really are all about themselves and their own impusilve wants. Quick sexual thrills are more important to them than relationships.

Hope you do what is best for you.

[Crazy Hitch]

It seems like she lied on more than one occasion. And I don’t consider them white lies, I think they’re quite significant things.

Whichever way you move forward in this relationship, opens you up to being hurt. If you leave now, you’d be upset. If you stay, she could lie down the track.

Do you trust her and is she showing genuine remorse and likelihood to change?

[ArtleyWilkins]

It doesn't sound like you are really okay with an open relationship, so why are you dating someone who is all about open relationships? Seems destined for failure.

[Bill3]

I'm not clear on how the relationship is designed.

It sounds like the plan is for you to be committed and monogamous, while she is free to connect romantically and/or sexually with whomever she wants as long as she:

--tells you about all of her connections, and
--lets you know when body fluids are exchanged so that there can be testing.

Is that the plan?

If so, is that really what you want?

[Arialside]

Thank you for the replies so far.

We are now exclusive. Since we got tested she has not been intimate with anyone. She wants an exclusive relationship with me and only me. This has been the case for 5 months.

Yes, she did lie on more than one occasion. But she said it’s now all on the table cause she knows we have nothing without trust.

I get why people lie. It’s always out of fear. She was pretty open with me about her history but it’s ****** that she thought she had to lie about her number of partners since her last STD test before we started seeing each other. In her head, she *knew* she was clean. So what’s the big deal about lying. The fear was she didn’t want to seem promiscuous or a threat to my health and either get shut out or no longer laid by me.

A week after we started seeing each other and before we became exclusive or talked about not exchanging bodily fluids with anyone else. The situation where she took the girl home from the club but was texting me she only has eyes for me and she can’t wait to see me. I believe that she couldn’t wait to see me and that emotionally she felt a connection with me. However, the “I only have eyes for you” is bull. At the same time she’s only had history of open relationships. This means you love one person but you can have sex with other people and it means nothing. She was acting on what she knows and is use to. We also did not discuss exclusivity. However with me, now, when I like someone I will not sleep with other people. However, when I was younger, it was a different story.

One thing I wouldn’t be able to handle is a partner that has the potential to cheat physically and emotionally. In anyway shape or form actually. It would eat at me not being able to trust them when they go out.

She is seeking therapy and she really is wanting to sort out herself. She’s saying all the right things. Seems to be planning to do all the right things. She says she doesn’t care it if takes 6 months to a year, she’s going to do whatever it takes me be the best person she can.

Should I even be giving her a chance to earn back trust?

[Arialside]

We are both now monogamous and have been for 5 months. What happened before then I couldn’t care. However, I expected her to be truthful. Not lie.

In regards to a girl kissing her at the club since we’ve been exclusive. She said she pulled away and did not welcome it. However, she did not tell me right away. Which is a sign of guilt. So there must have been some inviting behaviours.

My goals in a relationship
Healthy with good communication
Family
Monogamous
Trust, honestly, loyalty. All the basics that make it work.

[ArtleyWilkins]

"I get why people lie. It’s always out of fear." -- or it's about manipulation.

Be careful.

"She’s saying all the right things." -- which is often a manipulation

Be careful.

You two just don't seem to truly be on the same page about what you want in a relationship.

Too much drama drama for my tastes, but you have to decide what you are willing to put up with.

[Open Eyes]

Lieing is always a red flag, and this person has lied a few times now with you. And if she is exploring with so many other partners, she is putting YOU at risk of STD's. That's not right.

[Bill3]

You have been monogamous/exclusive for five months now?

If so, it sounds like that is an impressive achievement for her.

What are your thoughts and feelings about the last five months?

[Arialside]

We have been monogamous / exclusive. But:

In September I had to chat with her about being flirty with woman at the club. She engages in a way that’s inviting. I told her it’s going to lead to someone reacting and it will get us both in trouble.

Then.

Something she kept from me December that I just found out. She went out for a work party and said a girl kissed her. She stopped it. She said she didn’t engage in anyway to make her do this. After prying it out of her. She later admitted she may have engaged in a way that caused this to happen. She was dancing closely with her.

So no... not a squeaky clean 5 months.

[divine1966]

She is not exclusive. So you have two options. Accept that’s how things will be or leave. Too often people get into relationship and have ten things to change about their partners. I’d not spend a minute on changing others. It only causes more pain. I highly recommend dating people who are already right choice of partners

seems like you have 2 options....

accept the fact that "real" monogamy is quite possibly never going to happen and continue the relationship

end the relationship over the lies and cheating and walk away.

I can only tell you what I would do. it involves a good pair of nike shoes. life is too short to deal with someone who doesn't value you enough in a relationship to not cheat. period. the lying just makes me move quicker. this is not something that will end right now...there is a pattern.

[bpcyclist]

People in monogamous relationships all over the world are very good at making it plain and clear that they are not available. This is done with certain carefully chosen nonverbal cues, such as not sitting too close, not touching, not smiling in a certain way, certainly carefully choosing words, and when it looks like it's necessary, just blurting that they are spoken for. This works remarkably well for millions of people. Maybe you can help teach her how to do some of this.

There is in life a thing such as setting oneself up for failure. Her going to nightclubs or parties without you looks like it might be one of those. Sorta like an addict not hanging out with other addicts who are still using after he/she has gotten clean.