How do I stop being a doormat?

Made the biggest mistake EVER! After this guy disrespected me and abandoned me, I forgave him. Tried to make plans for tonight, but he’s like “I’ll let you know” I know 110 percent, he’s trying to get me to take the blame and get the upper hand and be in control. He should have to earn his trust back if he wants to see me. But here I am practically giving it away! I realized my mistake, so I know I cannot contact him...have to be strong and have no contact whatsoever. Someone kick me!

Delete him off all social media and block him on your phone.

Stay strong and remember you deserve respect.

Forgive yourself for your weak moment and don’t contact him again or let him contact you. Work on self esteem by focusing on all you have going for you and build on that. Then you’ll meet men who are worthy and won’t abuse you...you won’t let them if they tried.

So why did you forgive him?

I find that when I have trouble leaving a toxic relationship, it's typically because I am unhappy in my own life and I am desperately trying to hold onto some semblance of love and happiness. Even if the relationship is toxic to me, it's functioning as a lifeline to save me from my own unhappiness and misery.

So how do you stop being a doormat?

You finally get to get to a point where you say "enough is enough" and "I deserve FAR better than that". Then you don't settle for anything less than what you truly deserve and want from someone, even if it means being alone and putting up with loneliness or unhappiness.

Here's how you do it:

Stand up straight, brush yourself off, forgive yourself....and listen to Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" over and over and over....and scream out loud, "I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL".

**** that miscreant POS...he ain't worth it...you'll be ok. Take it from an old lady of 60 who experienced such moments when she was young.

thank you so much for this!!

so true...

My biggest problem is forgiving people when they are not actually sorry.

My ex-favorite person treated me like gum on the bottom of his shoe; I was a pesky annoyance. But I worshipped him. It was dumb.

He made plans with me one time, and I was over the moon.

He didn't show up. You didn't see that coming, right?! haha

I waited until it was pretty late before I called him. I tried to act casual when I asked him what he was up to. He said he was "lounging."

I flipped out and said lots of horrible things.

He explained that he didn't show up because he wanted to teach me a lesson: "Don't depend on others for your happiness."

I had not asked to be taught a lesson. Damn, he was so narcissistic!

Then I became spineless and absurd. I apologized.

Lord, have mercy.

What was I sorry for?!
For getting my hopes up?
For assuming he had integrity and would keep his word by showing up when he said he was going to?!

I handed him all the power on a silver platter. It set the tone for the rest of our relationship, and things progressively went downhill.

The moral of my story is: Only forgive someone when they are actually sorry.

If they don't think that they did anything wrong, they will keep disrespecting you.

We always hesitate to enforce our boundaries because we are afraid of losing someone. But that's actually the worst thing to do! Nobody wants a pushover. You would hate someone like that, right?

You teach people how to treat you.
Demand respect.

Draw a line in the sand and say, "Don't cross this."
And if they do, leave.
Don't draw another line in the sand for them to cross again.

Your story and your words of wisdom are gold. Thanks for sharing.

You said this so perfectly, and your story is the perfect example.

Yes, we teach people how to treat us!!!! And if we don't draw lines, people will cross them. And if they cross them, we must draw the line and stick to it.

We must exercise strong boundaries to protect our self respect and sense of self worth.

It all comes down to exercising and demonstrating the principle of self respect.

Hugs to you, Roxanne. I can be a doormat many times so I really empathize. Both with my SO and at work. People say I'm a pleaser and I go out of my way to do things for people which often puts a big fat target on my back. I do have breaking point where I rebel and get passive-aggressive. I had to learn to stop that cycle before it got to that point. In a rather funny episode in my life, a good friend taught me the palm out, head wriggle, "oh hell no" technique and made me practice it. It works a lot better than the passive-aggressive cycle. But, I have to admit, the passive-aggression did make for some hilarious stories.

I knew I had turned a corner when someone took over a project that I had worked on for a long time, did some incredible things and worked ridiculous hours on and got nothing. One of the new project managers came to me and said that a new thing had come up and it was going to be a lot of work and that I had done so much on it before (hint hint, do it again, Alice). I was in a new position that required my full attention, but I let her go on for a while, telling me all about it. Then, I told her, "yup, that's a lot of work. I don't envy you. Good luck with that." I broke eye contact, walked away and felt dang good I wasn't a doormat.

Hugs and blessings to you!