[lost101]

Part 1
~I'm to the point to where I feel like ending my marriage.
~I have dealt with alienation for 5.5 years and not sure if I can take much more.
~My husband is a sweet loving man, been so good to me, better than anyone, but when his kids act up and refuse to accept me and changes he reacts badly because he can't handle them not wanting to be here.
~The BM has helped them not like me, nor ever accepted me.
~She has never helped them accept new thing/changes nor me.
~They did like me for awhile then it stopped. ~I went from being cool, to phony and fake. (Age 8 and 11at the time) mmmm,
~Bm starting changing times with my DH and his time with the kids. If we were running late the youngest girl would start rubbing her tummy and saying she doesn’t feel good and say to her dad to hurry back to her moms. SO he would, instead of saying we are on vacation and I will do my best to you both back safely.
~Dh tells me he made her think she got her way, so in turn he could have the kids any time he wanted. But this was wrong because I feel that there were no boundaries and then she still had control of him like she did when they were married.
~Dh’s ex was controlling of him when they were married! Hated his parents, his friends, she told him numerously that if he did not stop his relationship with family and friends that she would take his girls and move away and he would never see them( his kids).
………………………………..
Just to clarify, I am not the other woman. My DH was divorced from his ex for 6 yrs! Get this: She was having an affair with Dh best friends BIL, her frnds brother. Then a few years she dumps this guy then goes with her best friend’s ex husband, her BF’s BIL! Then has boyfriends galore! But Dh cant have one woman in his life since the divorce?
…………………………………………………………………………………………
So my dilemma is: I love my DH with all my heart.
But my stress level is going bad, and crying and feeling hurt.
~The kids basically said the only way it would be better that if he divorced me, that would be the only fix.
~They have made up lies about me, then try to get my DH and to fight, and he thinks they won’t lie, well he has found out differently!
~There is so much more…I’m at my wits end.
~In process of finding a consoler that deals with alienation, will find out on Wednesday.
~My DH is hurting and can’t sleep….
~Doesn’t want to lose his kids but doesn’t want to lose me too.
~It is not fair to him to choose.
~Nor fair to me to be punished for being in love with him.

[(JD)]

Will both of you consent for couples counseling? Otherwise, there's no use staying in such misery.

[Doh2007]

I'm so sorry that you're suffering. Please don't ask him to choose between you and the children. If you need out, it's totally understandable. Second marriages have a higher rate of failure than first marriages.

Best wishes.

[bebop]

I went thru many yrs in your shoes. It is very hard to deal with stepchildren. they tend make Dad think stepmom is the wicked witch type. I ended up leaving mine but it was more due to being his punching bag. funny thing is now his daughter loves me. she even told me she was sorry for the way she behaved when I was raising them. they lived with us for yrs.
Only you can decide how much you can handle. talk to your husband and get him to back you up and let them know the adults are in control. good luck

[Perna]

Your husband doesn't have to "choose," he has to be a father and discipline his children. It's not your problem nor are you the problem in the first place. The children don't have to like you but they have to be polite to you when they are in your home with you.

[50guy]

First off the problem is with his kids right? If so, then why are you contemplating leaving? Your DH has to have a talk with his children and let them know that there will be no choosing one over the other, that the choice was made to have you as his DW and they are his children. Your DH should make clear that he will not accept any disrespect toward you and they are to treat you civily.

There is nothing you can really do, the ball is in your husbands court, so to speak. Either he sets things right or there will always be problems. If he can't get the kids to obey then he will have to decide to limit contact with them. Believe me it won't take the kids long to figure out how to act if they want to be with Dad. Kids try to see how far they can push and get away with things so, a litle bit of Dad setting limits is in order.

My advice is for you to stay out of the "choosing" zone and let your DH take the lead on this. Tell him how you feel about him and your relationship. Then tell him how you feel about the kids treating you disrespectful. Do this when the time is right not when the kids are there and he is under pressure.

The love you have for each other should be stronger than ability of the kids to turn you toward leaving each other.

[sunrise]

I think there are a lot of good suggestions here. The kids are controlling the relationship--they have been given too much power. It sounds like your H is letting his kids ruin his marriage. I think it may be easier for him to hear some of this from a professional rather than you. Can the two of you find a good family therapist and go together to see him/her? And maybe some sessions with the kids too? Maybe especially some sessions for just him with his kids?

[AlteredState01]

Typical male. Have seen this so many times. I am experiencing a similar thing in the extended family area - except it is with his sociopathic, narcissistic mother!

Like sunrise stated, if you are unable to get across to your H that his kids are controlling the relationship, then maybe a third party, like a therapist, can get through to him.

If not, I doubt he will ever "see" it.

I would not involve his kids in this matter, at least not until you two have had a chance to deal with this situation first. Getting the kids involved at this stage will only cause further tension. I would not even discuss this with the kids and I would ask that your husband also keep this between the two of you, because if the kids ever got wind of this and they do have as much control as you say, then you are toast!

Good luck! You're gonna need it.

[_Hope_]

((((((((((((((((Lost101))))))))))))))))