Things my girlfriend has done in the past really haunt me, skew my image of who she i

medievalbushman · Mar 22, 2020, 10:36 PM

Glad you could have a productive conversation with her about this!

Bill3 · Mar 22, 2020, 11:24 PM

So glad that you were able to have that conversation!

Quote:

she was young (8 i think) and technically below the age of consent

It was not "technically" below the age of consent. It just WAS below that age. Way below.

She may not think or feel that she was violated, but the fact still is that as an eight-year-old child she can in no way be considered to have consented. Regardless of what her eight-year-old mind thought at the time, she was violated.

Also, I agree with I think it was lizardlady who commented that this incident could well have been a significant cause of her later behavior.

Have Hope · Mar 23, 2020, 06:10 AM

@Hugh Mungus, that is so great that you were able to open up to your gf about how you're feeling! That's the healthiest thing you could have done. Open and honest communication is very important, even critical, in a relationship.... and i am glad you are feeling better about this after your conversation. Good for both of you. I am happy for you.

divine1966 · Mar 23, 2020, 06:27 AM

I am glad you talked to your girlfriend. Hopefully it grants you some understanding.

To clarify some things for you. EIGHT isn’t “technically” below age of consent, it is below age of consent and no where near consent age.

It does not matter that she didn’t feel or didn’t know she was molested. She was only 8, she can’t make that distinction. She was molested. Him not being family member makes no difference here.

Molk · Jun 11, 2020, 03:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Hugh Mungus: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

I want to start out by saying I've been married for almost 40 years!

(My wife's accomplishment, not mine.) And I'll tell you it takes an ocean liner's worth of caring, forgiveness, compassion, & just plain stubbornness to keep a romantic relationship going for that long.

From my perspective what's in the past is in the past. You simply have to let it go. You weren't there when your gf did what she did nor were you a part of it. It simply no longer exists. To some extent it's really none of your business really. What's relevant is who this young woman is today & who will she be in the future. And, of course, there are no guarantees.

It does sound as though your gf may have some mental health issues. And so perhaps the question is what is she doing to address her issues & ensure she won't slip back into old habits as time passes. If she's not doing anything, & is not willing to do anything, that is a bad sign to my way of thinking. I would think what might be appropriate would be for her to be receiving some sort of mental health therapy herself &, at some point, for the two of you to engage in some couples counseling. Plus, considering your own level of uncertainty regarding your relationship with this woman, perhaps some mental health therapy services for yourself might be a good idea to help you sort your feelings for her as well as your fears.

You asked how you "squash" your inner conflict & accept who your gf was. My personal opinion is you cannot. There simply is no way to squash feelings. If you cannot put them to rest on your own (& clearly you cannot) the only realistic alternative I know of is to talk them through at-length & in-depth over a period of time with the help of a skilled mental health professional. Perhaps in the end the two of you will decide you were meant to be together. Perhaps not. But at least you will have given it your best shot, so to speak, & gone on with your relationship with your eyes open. That's about all any of us can do. The future is never guaranteed.

Here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, that I think bears some relevance to your situation. The details are different because the article deals with second marriages. But I think the insight the author offers is apropos:

Don't Ask Your Ex Partner to Erase the Past

My best wishes to you both. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Very well said.

I'm a firm believer in acceptance, I truly believe that the foundation of love (and basically all relationships) is acceptance.

As far as the suppression of feelings goes, I agree that it's impossible to do. I have found that no matter how hard I try, it never works. Even if you think you've forgotten and don't think about "it" at all, your brain will wake you up in the middle of the night with exactly those thoughts you wanna forget.

Oh and btw. a great book on letting go is, well, Letting Go by David Hawkins.

sarahsweets · Jun 11, 2020, 10:41 PM

Hey @openeyes: I may be misunderstanding you but it seems like you were saying in one of your posts that someone cant change? I think you mentioned an animal and their spots? I disagree. People can change. If I hadnt changed I would have never gotten sober. My family doesnt hold my past behavior against me now that I have made amends and no longer act like a drunk asshole. Aside from this girl being abused can you expand on how you feel about a person changing?
To the op: What is your sexual history like?

divine1966 · Jun 12, 2020, 04:41 AM

Yes @sarahsweets people absolutely can change and improve. The only IF is that they have want to change. No one can change other people. That’s the difference people don’t always understand. And many might use it as an excuse “ I am a mess but because people don’t change, I am not even going to try to get better”.

Ton of young people are promiscuous or make wild and not very wise decisions. And what promiscuous really means. Young single people and hopefully using a protection against STDs and unwanted pregnancies are having a bit more sex than someone deemed normal. Most people settle down and grow up eventually and typically no one cares what they did in their early 20s. It’s not even that she needs changing. She needed to grow up like everyone else

As about her being molested at a young age (8!) it shouldn’t even be on the list of her perceived “transgressions”. She was abused and I hope she eventually seeks help with that

Open Eyes · 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hey @openeyes: I may be misunderstanding you but it seems like you were saying in one of your posts that someone cant change? I think you mentioned an animal and their spots? I disagree. People can change. If I hadnt changed I would have never gotten sober. My family doesnt hold my past behavior against me now that I have made amends and no longer act like a drunk asshole. Aside from this girl being abused can you expand on how you feel about a person changing?
To the op: What is your sexual history like?

@sarahsweets I had to sit and read this thread again so I can answer your question. Sometimes a person changes and sometimes not. Sometimes no matter how much you care it’s not enough.

We always take a risk when it comes to relationships especially when we are young and still naive yet.

And that’s what I said in that post you questioned as well.

Rive. · Jun 13, 2020, 01:33 PM

We all have a past, either you accept her as she is or you don't. There are no two ways about it.

I also find it harsh to hold against her things that were done to her as a child. She deserves compassion.

IF you can't get over her past, I would suggest you move on to someone you could love unconditionally.

divine1966 · Jun 13, 2020, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive.

We all have a past, either you accept her as she is or you don't. There are no two ways about it.

I also find it harsh to hold against her things that were done to her as a child. She deserves compassion.

IF you can't get over her past, I would suggest you move on to someone you could love unconditionally.

Excellent points.

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Things my girlfriend has done in the past really haunt me, skew my image of who she i

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