[hartbroken]

Ever since I've had a diagnosis with severe mental illness, I have had suspicions and unhealthy poisons in my heart towards others. Basically I can't retain any long term confidence that someone is actually for me. I can believe they're for me for a few hours or maybe a day, but I always revert back to believing that they don't care and that they are actually against me.

Actually, I can believe my parents and my girlfriend are for me. But that's it. My closest friends, my doctors, my pastor, my counselor, all these people are being worn down because I need constant affirmation from them.

So I took it to pen and paper tonight. I wrote down all my disbelief in them, what I was afraid they thought of me, and even pretending to tell them why I have such a hard time believing that they are for me. And I decided to not really tell them, but rather to put it on this forum.

I also wonder why I am doing this. Is it because I was deeply hurt a long time ago? I remember being bullied a lot in school. I want to get down to the core here, so I don't go on hurting myself and them.

Does anyone else struggle this way? What are other ways you have found to bring the suspicion meter back to zero with relationships?

[Have Hope]

I have not much to offer you, except to let you know you were heard and am sending you hugs.

[bpcyclist]

I share this with you. Sorry you have struggled with it. I never talk about this with anyone, because it will only put people off more and they will just think I am an angry person, and I am not--not in the least. I am an extremely positive person, by nature.


That said, it has just been my own personal experience as an adult that virtually all the straight women (I am straight) I have been involved with really, ultimately only care(d) about two things: money and sex, in that order. Love, whatever that is, sharing parenting duties, those things are of zero value, at least to the women I have been with. What they want is money and to have sex with whomever they wish whenever they wish. This is going back to, say, 1988 or so.

So, I relate to what you describe. I do hope writing this down might help you somehow. For me, I have given up completely on women for me--not suggesting for a moment that this is some thing applicable to all or most women. But it has certainly been my personal experience.

Sending you support and love!!!