Wife's communication with her ex

Your feelings are definitely justified... I think you've come around to a good solution, which is to talk with her more about this, to confront it and to talk it through so that you can both get to a better place, individually, and within your marriage. And you're right -- it's not healthy right now, and a third party is coming into the mix to make things more difficult. That should not be the case. It IS healthy, however, to address it together.

And that's what everyone is here for -- to support you, to listen and to try and help in any way we can.

@justneedtotalk76 -- Oh, I should add: keep talking... I don't mean to make it sound like it's all resolved and wrapped up for you.... this is your thread, so talk away and get all the support you need through this right now.

thank you @HaveHope I appreciate all of the advice. Now I just have to put it to good use. I am feeling a little more hopeful today.

You are very much heard by us and you are totally justified for being concerned and worried. That’s what we are here for. Keep sharing. Even in absence of abuse co-parenting and blended situations could be a challenge, it’s certainly is a major challenge how things are playing out with this man in a picture. Hugs to you

Oh good.. I am glad you feel more hopeful!!

I am glad to hear she shut down “private” conversations. It’s not safe under the circumstances

That explains why she was with such an abusive man in the first place. That’s what she knew, what’s familiar to her. And she had no female presence to let her know a lot of the toxic behaviors she experienced was wrong and how to handle these toxic behaviors. It’s very possible she doesn’t see her ex’s behaviors as terrible as you see them.

That is similar how certain accepted even demeaning practices towards women are not recognized as bad in certain cultures compared to how others view it.

I agree. That's a good sign. It's also inappropriate.

@justneedtotalk76 in your first post you wanted to know if how you felt is right. From what you have shared here in your thread in my opinion your feelings are not wrong.

IMHO I think your wife’s statement about feeling disconnected from you has a lot more to do with the age of her child and what she herself experienced at that age. She was abandoned by her mother and while a child is young and may not know what that means they most definitely feel it. This is never forgotten in a human being. A child so young definitely feels the sudden absence of a nurturer because their very life depends on it. It has long been thought a very young child doesn’t know the difference. Through constant study we are learning more and more that opinion is very wrong. A young child most definitely knows and what takes place is an important foundation that lasts that child a lifetime.

So the disconnect “feeling” can be coming from a place in your wife that is real in her, but she doesn’t really understand where it’s coming from.

What she does need is a very knowledgeable therapist that can help her understand that. Also she needs the right guidance to give her own child something she did not have. She can learn and heal at the same time.

At such a young age an important presence left her and she then became totally dependent on her biological father. Her father may not have been very nurturing and may not have been a good man. That’s very similar to the dynamic she is experiencing now with this child’s biological father. Something about this man is important as her own father though not so great did provide enough so she thrived. You can see the reality of how this man doesn’t care. Your wife is seeing it differently and doesn’t even know how to articulate it. Having a presence that can help her with this can make a big difference.

A disconnect often occurs when a person is experiencing something they feel their partner will not understand.

The power of “familiar” is a lot stronger than we consciously realize. Given that we along with many other mammals and living things are born and designed to navigate. In that fact so much of nature learns to navigate life based on the environment that navigation took place.

What you feel and see as wrong and others here can see and also feel as wrong is not the same for your wife.