[Rosario]

My sister-in-law called from Germany today. She asked husband when we are going to be coming to see her in Germany. My husband told her he doesn't know as he wants "me" to go to Argentina with our two kids (10, 4) to visit his mom. Over there during our summer it is winter and very very cold.....(I don't really know if I want to go). I'm feeling down because it seems that we are always the one who have to make movements...the mom could come here(just one plane ticket as oppose to me paying three plane tickets)...I understand that my husband wants his mother to enjoy her grandchildren....I feel guilty at times but at other times I feel "taken advantage of". We are not rich and are currently living off of one salary. Why can't they see?...If I voice it, I may look like a "Mean" person. So tonight I'm feeling weighed down.

[Perna]

Oh, that is hard. My husband and I take turns on who gets to decide on the "vacation" or trip. My husband has had the last few so it's my turn now :-)

I think if your husband isn't going with you you could suggest his mother coming to see you all since it is his mother and presumably she wants to see her son too? I would point out the cold weather and the youngness of your 4 year old and difficulties of travelling, care, etc.? I think your points are very good and if he takes them personally and thinks you're "mean" for suggesting them and wanting to look at alternatives, that would be too bad of him I think.

[Rosario]

Perna thanks for responding. I have these concern that you pose in your reply....it is very cold and kids are more likely to become sick. And what about the trip?....me on a plane with two kids for 8 hours and then 4 hours on a bus because his mother doesn't live in the capital (Buenos Aires). I "feel" like it is very unfair to "give" all this to me. He can't travel because he can't take more then two weeks back to bac from his work and the price of the ticket is not worth it. But is not my "sanity" worth not going. His mother claims she can't come because she is too old(74)...but she doesn't have any serious medical disorder that would prohibit her making the trip. I get along pretty well with her but many a times I have not "voiced" thing to her or my husband in fear that I would be the "bad one, mean one, etc.". Perhaps afterall, spending the money if it is just for two weeks is worth the money if it means keeping my sanity and keeping myself from yet again wallowing in resentment.

[Perna]

I don't know that the kids will get sick; it gets pretty cold in air conditioning in the summer and just as cold in our winters as theirs :-)

If his mother feels she cannot come, then she probably cannot. I don't know that that is being selfish; I'm only 57 and yet beginning to understand about "old" and how it might be difficult for her to take a 4 hour bus ride from her home and then an 8 hour plane trip. Older people are not as resilient as young people nor as comfortable away from their home. I mostly feel badly for you having to take the brunt of the work.

I don't know about the 2 weeks back-to-back excuse your husband gives though; if it were my mother who is too elderly to come visit me, then I'd want to go see her no matter what; when else is he going to find the opportunity, when she dies? My stepson's in-laws live an expensive plane ride away and the grandchildren are only 3 and 2 but he flies down when my daughter-in-law does to help on the trip, if nothing else. He usually can only stay a weekend and sometimes, if my daughter-in-law is staying with the kids several weeks, he comes down the weekend they leave to help them come back.

Maybe you can suggest a larger family get-together? Is it his sister in Germany? He could call her back and suggest a date when your family and his sister's family could all go to Argentina to visit their mother? I think I wouldn't feel as resentful going to a larger party, even if I had to do a lot of the "work" if your husband at least went down with you and stayed a few days and some other family members were going to show up, etc.?

[Rosario]

Perna, yes you are right that for an elderly person everything becomes more challeging. As to my sister-in-law coming and meeting up as a family it is out of the question as she divorced not too long ago plus she has health issues. What bothers me is that "everyone else's problems" from daily living(aging, divorce, health issues) comes before "my life problems"....we truly can't afford to go and it would be payed by credit card of which we would pay off slowly. There is another alternative which is no one goes and no one comes because we are all going through difficult times. My husband did go to see his mother on his own three years ago and you know what, he didn't even stay at her house...he stayed at his brother's house. He made up some excuse as to why he stayed with his brother, but I know better...he didnt stay with her because she is always bringing up the past about how she was taken advantage by a sister-in-law in a buisness they had together ........I on the other hand don't mind a bit of her talking about it and repeating it till infinity and he sees how I have rappor with her(womenly talk)......but what gets to me is that I'm the one always having to make some kind of sacrifice in one way or the other to keep everyone happy. I'm getting a bit ticked off by it!

[Perna]

Yes, my husband's ex-wife is a "complainer" about what's wrong with her life and men don't seem to like to listen to her but I don't mind too much.

I would try for some sort of "not now" and suggest to your husband that you all save up a bit for a "special" trip next winter (February 2009) when it will be warmer there, the children will be older and you will have had a chance to make some of the planning/control your own and he to plan a way to get away from work?