Is it possible to love someone, but not like?

Omg! I remember the gluten free cookies! I forget what all happened, but well i probably remember because it was cookies!

I was making Thanksgiving, as I have the big house and my mom has a small apartment. (This is the first problem as SHE wants to make Thanksgiving and be ‘in charge’). This struggle had already been an issue for my whole marriage with my mom and husband.

The weeks before the holiday we’d discuss how I’d make it at my house and she’d start obsessing over what she will be doing.

This was the year my son was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and was put on a gluten free diet. Mom said she heard of a bakery that made gluten free COOKIES (unaluna, lol). I didn’t hear the end about everything and the cookies turned into a fight, where she ended up getting herself uninvited from Thanksgiving and she threatened to show up at my door to leave the cookies.

Did I contribute to this toxicity? Yes. It’s ‘How do you deal with an impossible person?’. It caused me to have a severe depressive episode and desperately find this site to vent and get support where people said she is ‘so obviously a Narcissist’, which I had never heard of.

We had Thanksgiving without her and my step dad that year and it was pleasant.

Many months later, I asked her what became of the cookies as she never did leave them at my door . She said she refused to buy them because they were $5 each!

Starting with most benign- aunt: She’s always lived far away and visited. She’s been there at all family events. My family is not warm and fuzzy. She’s a very successful, intelligent, persnickety person, but also sometimes fun. I never had an issue with her before.

A few years ago, my mom and I had a huge fight over me giving her money. It’s a long story. My aunt was there in the room along with my step dad for the blow up where my mom went off on me. It’s hard to describe the scene. I have not seen a movie with anything like it. My aunt had never seen that side of her sister before and she sat frozen with her back turned and said nothing. I left hysterically crying and drove home. My aunt never even called me to see if I made it home alive. I would expect my aunt to have at least shown that much concern, if not to go further and say, ‘I had no idea how your mother could be’. But I never brought it up again.

Then, she visited after that. She and my mom were discussing how another family member [had been raped/]. I told her that I had too and she said nothing and turned her back to me, changing the subject. Could she have not heard me sitting 6 feet away? I never said anything about that, either. I think she simply didn’t care so she changed the subject.

Tisha, from what you have shared of your family, it sounds like none of them have the ability to be able to sit with you in a caring way. Since you joined this site you have been actually "learning" a lot about emotional neglect, emotional abuse and personality disorders etc. When a person begins to learn, they start seeing more of the dysfunctional behaviors they have been exposed to in others around them. You also begin to realize how you engaged these other people in ways that were also dysfunctional as well.

Your mother's sister already knows your mother, grew up with her and wont engage in some of your mother's games. Your mother won't like it if you like your aunt, or that you even gave your aunt money. You are your mother's child and your mother will not like it if you like your aunt too much. This is something between them that goes way back and has nothing to do with you personally. This is part of a sibling rivalry that developed between them as they were growing up. Gossiping about someone else's child that got raped is very different than hearing YOU share that you had also been raped. That is far out of the realm of gossiping and instead is more personal. The aunt could not respond to you in that it's really not her place, and your mother did not respond to you because she was angry that her sister was able to learn that about HER child. What you learned that day is that your mother and your aunt turned their backs on what you said because NEITHER of them actually KNOW how to comfort or listen with concern the way they should have FOR you. They only know how to gossip about someone elses problem, can't deal with it when it's so close to home like that. "My family is NOT warm and fuzzy". That's because no one ever taught them to do anything more than they do Tisha. Their generation did not really talk about rape other than gossiping about it happening to someone outside the family. Also, that generation tended to blame the victim, must have been something the victim did. They turned their backs when you said that because neither one of them have ANY IDEA what to say to you or how to even talk about it with you. And my guess is neither of them talked about it again with you either. People always avoid things they do not know how to do. They are much too uncomfortable to even attempt to sit and show genuine caring the way you want from them. You might as well be sitting at a type writter expecting it to function like a computer. Ain't gonna happen.

I am sorry Tisha, you have a husband that has provided for his family, but, he doesn't KNOW how to be intimate with you the way you so desire. Again it makes him uncomfortable because he doesn't know HOW. You might as well be asking him to jump in the deep end of a pool when he doesn't know how to swim.

It's not surprising that you have gotten to this point where you are asking this question "Is it possible to love someone and not like?". A lot of people ask that same question, especially when they learn more about what behaviors are healthy and what behaviors are toxic. Well, it can take time to figure out how to make peace with or accept the things in other people that are lacking. Also, it takes time to figure out how to deal with it within yourself too, especially when you are hurting.

Your son has made some choices that you never imagined him making. You don't know how to react, but it's clear you are hurting. Well, you did and do love him and as soon as he began getting out in the world, he began to change as a person. Truth is, that's what does happen, and often our children are very influenced by their peirs. Oh, I know it can be radically different from the generation you dealt with, the thing is Tisha, is that your son has to figure out how to thrive in what he is facing in his generation. As a parent, we do our best and the truth is, we are not the only influence on our child. Our hope is that we gave them enough love and sense of self esteem that they are strong enough to thrive in whatever their generation presents to them. It's a tough world out there, so very different now so our children are not going to make choices that we ourselves would make. Yet, it's important to remember that we also cannot expect a typewriter to function as a computer. Our tecnology alone has changed humanity a great deal, so there is a great deal more influences than ever before. Oh, it can hurt when our child reaches that point where they say "I am not going to do your life, I am going to do mine". Yes, this can mean your child makes choices that may be wrong for them, that happens a lot and is part of learning some difficult life lessons. Yes, it's hard when a stranger pulls them away from us, it happens a lot. Well, once they are an adult, they can be pretty adamant about the choices they make and there isn't much a parent can do to change that. Instead the only thing you CAN do is let them know you love them. He knows you love him, it's part of why he can fly and be daring. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but it's there. As your son continues to be independent, he will be growing and maturing. If this relationship isn't good for him, he will see it eventually. Yes, often a parent will see it before their child does and it can be hard to stay quiet and let him find things out for himself.

It isn't easy to accept realities and how things change while we are living our lives. Yes, life can most definitely present us with challenges that "hurt".

@openeyes. Thank you for your always thoughtful post.

You are spot on about how all the shyt hit the fan with my whole family once I was educated here.

My details regarding the money must have come out confusing, as it is my mother in a bad financial situation and not my aunt. But these details don’t really matter.

Also, the person was a family member and I suppose, yes, it technically was gossip. I’m not sure why it was even being discussed. They weren’t victim blaming. I won’t go into the incident because I don’t know how to use the Trigger button anymore. It doesn’t really matter, either.

My aunt either really didn’t hear me, which is improbable, or didn’t WANT to hear me. I have never seen any empathy from her about anything or toward anyone. Empathy challenged and highly sophisticated holding important position in career.

My mom did know about my incident prior to my saying it to my aunt. I finally told her during the past several years, once I was familiar with PC here. Her reaction was “Good thing you didn’t tell me then, I’d have gone to his house and (something to the effect of) made a scene.’ But there was never any more discussion about it. Honestly, I never thought much about it, even when it happened. Weird.

I see why I made choices that have me in the dysfunctional situation I am in. I hope I can do better.

My son is doing alright. I’m glad he is content. Yes, the abandonment was mind blowing, and I am not exaggerating about the incident that happened with him.

My conclusion about my topic of this thread is: When you feel love, that’s what it is. When you feel intense dislike, that love lessens. When one over rules the other, it dominates. I don’t believe someone can be cruel to someone they love... I really don’t. I know I can’t.