When someone claims they actually never cared for someone else after a falling out

I've always wondered, when someone has a falling out with a friend or even a romantic partner and the person claims they never actually liked the person, is that a defense mechanism? Basically, a way to hide the fact that they were hurt by the other person or that they want others to believe they are over it? I've seen people do this all the time. A friend will have a falling out with someone else and sometime afterwards, they claim they never truly liked them and may even say they were lying to themselves about liking the other person. This seems to happen the most when it's a falling out between two romantic partners or two people that used to be best friends.

The reason I believe it is a defense mechanism is because they would always want to be around that person and talk about how much they like them. Then as soon as a falling out occurs, they may show some sigs of hurt feelings and anger, but then afterwards, they will claim they're over it and that, looking back, they never truly liked the person. I have a friend that even claimed she only called someone else a best friend out of politeness. I know it's a defense mechanism since when she hung out with her ex-friend, she loved being around her.

I can understand why some people may do this. It's a way to deal with their emotions and hide the fact that they may still have some resentment or hurt feelings towards the person. It could also be their way to help themselves move on from the person by looking at only the negative aspects of their personality. Yes, there are times where someone may truly not be a good friend and it does feel good to break away from them. I've had that feeling, it's like a weight being lifted off your shoulders, but it's different when you clearly were good friends with someone and then things just turn sour.

This can even happen between someone who likes someone else, but then gets rejected. One of my friends once liked a coworker who turned out to not like her back the same way. She was angry and hurt, but now she claims she never liked him and that she was lying to herself the whole time. The reason I can tell if it's a defense coping strategy is because if she ever brings up the guy she liked or the friend she had a falling out with, she is still angry. I've seen this with many people, not just with one person. When this happens, I always figure that they actually still feel hurt and angry and that they truly liked whoever they had a falling out with.

Probably so. Also, to try to cut down on their hurt, as you say. And to try to hurt the other person. I think it's a mean thing to say to someone.

I think this can be the case sometimes, like with the people you know, rdgrad. I also think sometimes it is true that we think we like someone at first, and then in the friendship or relationship, we see that we actually do not like them much at all, and so we end the friendship / relationship, or distance ourselves.

I think in order to be able to tell if the person means it or its just a defense mech, one would have to observe the behavior of the person, like what you have done.

I agree with WovenGalaxy that it can be a response used on a case by case basis.

Why does that bother you so much, rdgrad? Just curious.

This is a tool often used by 3, 4, and 5 year-olds to attempt to lessen the pain of loss.

Yep I agree.

Yeah true, I can see that.

Did someone do this to you? Like end a friendship and then said they didn’t like you anyways (but you think they did).?

Otherwise I don’t think you or us on here could possibly guess why and what strangers say to other strangers. We can’t possibly know what they really feel.

This doesn’t bother me. Sorry if you got that impression. Some stuff I post, like this, is just out of general curiosity or observation. I think most people do this at some point. I just used a few examples.

Yeah I’ve had that but I’ve seen that happen to other people too. Yeah I know we can’t know for sure. We aren’t mind readers but I would think this is pretty common.

Yeah I agree.

A "significant other" and a ex husband both claim they never loved me at the time of break up. Two can play that game so I revealed to both of them I felt the same way. Break up is an emotionally raw time as nothing is held back. So many years hence I am sorry that the only man who loved me and I loved was a lover I couldn't have.

Well, when someone says "I did not really care about that other person", BELIEVE THEM. Truth is, sometimes one person in the relationship turns out to be an emotional vampire and the other person ends up getting weary of it. Or, one person always needs to have things THEIR WAY and the other person gets bored always having to do things the other person's way.

Yeah I agree. Makes sense and I’ve experienced that. I’ve been drained before.

Yeah break ups and friendships ending can be emotionally raw. It is rather sad when it happens. Even when the other person may have been toxic, it can still hurt to break it off with them in some cases.

rdgrad, there are a variety of personalities out there in the world. Some of them are immature like that. There's nothing you can do to change those kind of people. If they tell you that after an argument, don't take it personally because it's more about their severe emotional immaturity. Nobody mature responds to a fight with that retort. That's the equivalent of sticking out their tongue at you. Like a child. Be done with those types of people. They aren't worth the effort.

I agree. It is very childish for someone to act that way. And yeah, I can definitely agree that it is like someone sticking their tongue at someone else.