Third strike, I'm out

I am getting ready to go through my 3rd divorce. I am going to seek counseling on this because I am at the point that I feel something must be wrong with me.

1st marriage at 16 to a man from another country. He was physically and emotionally abusive and we think he married me for other reasons.

2nd marriage I would have likely stayed in but he due to ongoing infidelity I had to file for divorce. He was even continuing the affair through marriage counseling.

3rd marriage we met online. He was perfect on paper. I thought he was self sufficient and would be a good partner off our long distance relationship. Turns out he still depends on mommy to pay his bills. He would rather play video games than work (he is 49) and he is very self absorbed. For instance, the night my brother was murdered he didn't get out of bed. He didn't go to the funeral. His excuse he was tired, and for funeral... he didn't know most people there and would feel out of place. I think how he treated me when I lost my brother was actually the breaking point. That was in 2013 and I have tried until now to move forward but he pretty much treats me like that daily.

So I am divorcing my 3rd husband. I need a partner not another child.

But, this is tearing me up emotionally. I come from a family where people stay together. Married 50, 60 even 70 years. So I feel like a failure. I tend to attract men who need me for something but provide nothing in return.

Anyway, it's tough and I will not get involved again for a very long time. Need a lot of counseling to get me through this divorce for sure.

Wow, that's an awful lot of separation and heartbreak to deal with. And I am so sorry for the loss of your poor brother! How horrific for you and your family. Terribly sorry!

And I'm just curious -- how is it that you married the first time at such a young age? 16 is awfully young.

I think it's a great idea to start therapy to help yourself figure things out and to steer clear of dating for a long time. I would also steer clear of any marriage proposals for a very long time. I know what it's like to attract all the wrong men. You're not alone.

I hope you find some comfort and support here on the forums. Hugs to you.

Don't beat yourself up. You tried marriage with 3 different partners and learned they were incompatible with you over time, and did the right thing by divorcing from them. Imagine if you had stayed married for 50 years to one of those men. You'd be way more miserable than you are now.

I agree with you that therapy is a good idea. There has to be reasons why you choose the wrong partners, even though they may appear on the surface to be stable and safe. I hope you can find a good therapist and find out why this keeps happening for you. I wish you well.

Long story short, I was a 16 year old who thought I knew it all. My sister got married at 17 and has been married 45 years. My mom married young as well. It wasn't unusual for women in our family to marry young and stay married.

So my parents signed for me to get married. I wish they hadn't but that is not something I blame them for.

Yeah, I hear you. It’s good not to blame your parents in this instance. They did what they knew and that was marrying young.

When we’re that age though, we hardly know who we truly are and what we truly want. Many people that is.

So that one I would chalk up to being young. But thing is all were bad choices in men, so what can you do to change how you’re choosing?

That’s what i had to do myself. But then I married a man who fell into my pattern.

When there are red flags in any new relationship they have to be paid attention to or it often leads to trouble down the road with that person. And indicates that.

I learned through hard lessons that dating needs to be taken slowly, and at a natural progression of increased interest. But I think it takes at least a couple of years before you can know someone fully. You have to witness them in a variety of life scenarios to truly see what they’re like in every regard and from every light.

Everyone in my family is married 40-60 years until their reward. I was married 15 and in a partnership for 12 or so. Other than the last one and maybe one other, all 12 women I have been with since HS have left me. I have horrible bipolar disorder and very recently learned that I dissociate big-time almost meeting or meeting DID criteria. Childhood trauma, etc.

I like the idea of you digging in with therapy to examine your big issues, your stuff. That is where the answers lie, within you.

Also, there's more to life than marriage. You can live a fulfilled life without getting married. I will never marry (and since the opportunity to do so doesn't exist I don't need to worry about it ever happening). That doesn't mean my life is meaningless.

You really need to figure out why you attach your identity and your happiness to 'marriage.' You need to figure out how to detach from 'marriage' so that you can learn how to be happy without a husband.

I agree with this.

Thanks guy1111. I've just seen a lot of people married be really miserable. So, I don't believe that marriage is *the* only path towards personal happiness.

I hope that Piper9954 can figure out why she is so attached to the idea that marriage = security. It really doesn't. The security comes from within yourself and if you attach yourself to another person - well, make sure they are secure (mentally secure, most of all).

Wow, that is a really interesting insight. I think that I romanticize marriage alot more than I should as well.