Forced to take care of a relative that I don't like?

Hey everybody. You all surely know me well at this point as I have constant problems with family members. And if it were not for this site and all my friends here, I'd have no one to talk to about it. So thank you.

My mother in law is 77. She'll be looking to move in with either my husband or m,y husband's brother in about 4 years or so. Assuming her health does not decline and take her out before then. I do not like my MIL. She has caused many problems for me over the years. My husband has always made more money than his brother and has born all the costs associated with my MIL over the last several years. He pays her mortgage, and any bills or expenses that her fixed income doesn't cover. My brother in law (BIL) has been asked to help pay over the years, but he only pays sporadically and a minimal amount at best. My BIL's finances have gotten alot better due to job promotions in recent years to the point that he just bought a custom 6 bedroom house on a lake. My BIL's contributions have NOT increased towards his mother however.

My husband just came to me and said in about 4 years when our youngest graduates high school, he'd like for his mom to live with us. I said, "what about your brother and his big house on the lake?" He said, he'd never get to see her because his brother lives so far away and he wants to take care of her.

I have several problems with this. 1.) she's not my mother and I'm not going to take care of her when her body is breaking down 2.) after bearing 90% of the costs of this woman for the last 10 years, it's not fair to burden us with further costs and physical care 3.) my BIL is married to a very manipulative woman who currently has her elderly mother living with them. So this goes according to her plan of keeping this MIL out and pushing her on us.

My husband does not realize what it would take to have an 80+ year old woman living with us. It would be a terrible burden! And quite frankly, I don't like her and I refuse to take care of her. And in home health aides only come during business hours, so when she's wetting the bed and pooping on herself in the middle of the night, it would fall on me or my husband to clean her up. I refuse! But I'm trying to be sensitive to my husband as this is his mother. But he's not thinking straight. I don;t know how to handle this except to say this. If it comes to be that this old MIL is pushed on me and the BIL wipes his hands of it, I will NEVER SPEAK to my BIL or his nasty manipulative wife ever again. Let my husband get a taste of that and see how he likes it.

I don’t know what state you live in but there is actually another option. Your husband and his brother can set it up where their mother has a live in caregiver. They can take turns visiting their mother and neither of their wives will be expected to be a caregiver. I know someone that did this and the mother got to be at home and was cared for. It sounds like your husband and his brother could afford this and pay whatever expenses Medicare doesn’t cover. If the mother doesn’t have much in terms of money and a home then the state provides and your husband can add to whatever the state won’t pay for.

Thanks Open Eyes! My MIL lives in Ohio.

There is a lot involved with elder care and a lot of people are not able to take on the full care many elderly people require like bathing and changing diapers and all the physical labor involved.

Try not to assume the worst. Sometimes an elder doesn’t reach this level of care too. Exploring options can help as there are options.

Is this far from your husband and his brother? If so it may be that your MIL can be put in an apartment located within traveling distance for each of them. Also there are often nice assisted living places your mother can be placed in too. I have seen some that look like a fancy hotel. They charge according to care needed. And often patients are physically challenged but not so bad mentally so they set up lots of social things they can do with other elders.

If she does move in with you, could you hire someone to care for her at other hours like nights or weekends?

Personally I work full time and wouldn’t be able to be 24/7 caregiver but I’d hire someone to come and help. My father is getting up in age but he is particular about independence, he doesn’t want to downsize or move in with any of us so we’d have to eventually hire someone to help with his care as both me and my brother have full times jobs that we can’t just quit.

What does your MIL want? Some seniors don’t want to live with families. One of my grandmas didn’t want to move so my mom, aunt and me took turns and we had someone hired to come in too.

I commend your husband for thinking ahead and considering taking care of his mother. Too many people completely wash their hands off caring for their elderly. I do understand your dilemma too, it can’t be easy for a daughter in law. I hope all options are looked at and it’s resolved and planned for the best for all parties involved

Put her in a nursing home as soon as you can get her on the elderly waiver equivalent in your state, that will cover the cost for a room in a memory care unit. That's literally your best solution to this problem.

That's just not true. Taking care of an elderly person is a 24/7 job that is not designed for only 1 to 2 caregivers. It literally takes a team of people in rotating shifts to care for ONE elderly person properly. And, it costs a ton of money. And, it takes a ton of emotional and physical energy from the caregiver. It is not an easy job and to make such a generalization is a slap in the face to caregivers in general who have no choice because they were forced into their caregiver role.

The only way out, is to find a nursing home room. That's why nursing homes exist.

Nothing wrong with nursing home under the circumstances .

I am very much aware of the cost and difficulty of it due to personal experience.

By taking care of elderly I didn’t mean one must bring them in their house or become full time care giver at all, taking care of their elderly might mean visiting them in a retirement home (when possible) or helping to find a caregiver or helping to find best options etc. By “washing hands off” I meant people who do NOTHING. And some do nothing but are first in line to demand inheritance

This man is trying to look Into something, whatever that something might mean and it’s more than many others do. That’s why I commend him. I at no point think people must have elderly parents living with them. Many elderly don’t even want that