[greenfeather]

Hi! It's been a long time since I wrote on this forum. I am 21, male, and I have been to several docs and therapists. I have lost hope and interest in defining my mental health, and honestly I've even lost hope in therapy. I hope this is allowed on the forum, and that it doesn't sound as advice to leave therapy if you feel better going to it.

So my diagnosis is depression with post-traumatic anxiety. Now I've 99% recovered speaking about the anxiety so my main problem is depression. Over the years I couldn't understand if my depression (and mood swings) was caused by external situations, by a neurochemical problem in my mind or by my drug use. Now that 19 months have passed since last time I took a drug, my mind feels clearer and I'm starting to remember why I started taking drugs in the first place and I've reached the roots of my depression.

As I've said before, I have lost hope in therapy. I've tried two terapists, every time I went into all the details about my life (felt pretty much like getting naked in front of a stranger) and after months I've accomplished nothing. I mean, of course I've improved just by telling someone how I feel every week, but they never told me any strategy to cope. While the first one was obsessed with the though that I was still doing drugs, even sending me to do drug tests (that came out negative), paying little attention to my other problems, the second one seemed to genuinely care about me. She even texted me sometimes outside of therapy. Sometimes I went just to tell her I felt anxious about a situation, even sometimes shaking in front of her, and then when I left I thought "wait, she didn't tell me any strategy to cope with how I feel". Well actually she did say something, but things like "go eat something and distract yourself, think about something else". We all know anxiety doesn't work like that, otherwise I wouldn't have needed her advice. Same thing goes for depression.

Actually one thing therapists were very good at doing was prescribing me medications on the first visit (and I'm terrified to take them, having abused benzos in the past and having fear of psychoactive drugs in general).

So speaking about my depression, it's linked to my relationships, so I hope some of you experience the same thing and have some advice for me.

Basically I don't have many friends, but a few groups of friends I'm really bonded with. Every group belongs to a different place (hometown, university, place where I live now). When I'm with my friends, I feel on top of the world, but then, as soon as I come home, I feel like I don't have friends at all. When they text me, I feel like a rush of joy and then, when the conversation ends, I feel lonely again. Basically when I don't see them or text them, I feel like they don't exist anymore.

This has been happening since I was in middle school. So the consequence has been that I used to choose fewer and fewer friends in order to minimize the suffering. Eventually at 14 I discovered alcohol, then marijuana and then other drugs to cope with my feelings. In fact they are unbearable. When I'm by myself I feel lost, like there's no hope for me, and I will never be able to find relief. I even had suicidal thoughts in the past but never had the true intention to kill myself, especially not to make my parents and my friends suffer.

[Open Eyes]

Hi greenfeather, welcome back to the forums. Well, therapy is about reviewing one's life to learn how that individual's history may be influencing the way they struggle and have a problem navigating certain life circumstances. For example, a child that struggled to feel safe when alone, or who was punished too much by being forced to be alone may have a deep uncomfortable feeling about being alone, like it's something bad or a punishment. This feeling tends to stay with a person long after they grew out of that period and may not even realize that when they happen to be alone, they feel this same feeling like it's punishment. Similarly, if a child experiences some kind of illness where they are pulled away from all their friends and school and are alone, that can be something they unknowingly remember feeling whenever they don't get to be with their friends and engaging. They can start feeling how it felt when they were sick and it kept them from being with their friends but not even realize it consciously.

The individual may experience the reverse where they only feel safe when they isolate and are alone. This could have developed from their parents constantly fighting or even an older sibling threatening them and they only felt safe alone in their room.

Therapy isn't meant to make a person feel uncomfortable, instead it's meant to find the root of where an individual may have developed their challenge in the first place so they may become more aware so they can begin to learn ways to help themselves learn how to navigate now more aware where this challenge came from that they did not realize.

A therapist MAY actually trigger a patient unknowingly too. It could create a feeling that comes forward where a child feels like a parent would not listen to them and after an attempt to ask for help they walked away feeling worse instead of feeling comforted and understood or helped. The therapist that kept questioning if you were taking drugs was not a good match for you, you needed a presence that believed you and instead focused on the problems that you had tried to medicate away because you could not manage them and probably did not even understand why you have these challenges. It's incredible the things a person may hang onto that can cause them distress that they don't even realize that comes from their childhood.

[greenfeather]

Thank you Open Eyes for your very detailed answer. Honestly I never found out the reason why I feel like this. I only kept making up theories and increasing my confusion. Meanwhile I kept spending 60$ every week and now I don't have any more money to give them.

My parents were very supportive but now they're tired of this situation. I keep all of this secret to my friends and I do it well, because while I am with them I feel invincible. Now I've lost 99% of my hope and I keep going just for those moments, waiting for the next time I can meet someone again. Then I'm back to my depression.

I'm tired of living life at 21 and it's not normal. I didn't even want to sign up to forums because maybe someone I know will recognize me, but I stopped caring because it can't be worse than this. I've just came home from vacation with friends, nothing crazy but I felt so happy. And now I feel the worst I have ever felt.

[Open Eyes]

Are you an only child?

There has to be something behind this challenge. Don't give up on finding out what it is.

[greenfeather]

Yes I do not have any siblings. I don't think there has to be some meaning behind suffering and I don't see it as a challenge either. I think it's just suffering.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, you are an only child then. Well, that actually can be part of the problem as it's not unusual for an only child to feel lonely until they are around others.

I don't believe in the "just suffering", IMHO, there is always a reason and ways to better manage it so as to reduce the suffering.

[greenfeather]

I agree about the reason, but not about the meaning. Anyway what could be some ways to find out why I feel like this and then fix it?

[divine1966]

Hello green feather, I wonder if at this point you might need to talk to your general practitioner and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. Therapists can’t always diagnose if for example you have clinical depression (in the US therapists could provide diagnosis in order for health insurance approve therapy, which is often bogus diagnosis. You need to see a doctor to get a proper diagnosis, so it might be similar in Italy)

There are many different ways to conduct therapy and many different styles of therapy. If therapy doesn’t enhance your life and doesn’t help you, it might not be right for you. Talking about what happened is all good but what’s next? It sounds that you’d like to have some type of strategies and coping techniques. I don’t blame you for being unsatisfied with therapists if they don’t even recommend anything. You want to Improve your life, and commend you for that

As about loneliness... do you have things in life that keep you busy in a productive way? Work? School? Hobbies? Social cause? Volunteer? Do projects? Do you have too much idle time? (Not saying you do but just asking). Could you plan something interesting or important to do for when you arrive home from outings with friends?

[divine1966]

To add to my post, are there any support type of groups where you at? Sometimes your peers have better ideas than therapists!

[Open Eyes]

If you feel happy when you are with friends than you should not cut friends off for feeling depressed once you are alone. It’s not a crime to be happiest when around others. When enjoying having others around it’s a hint that you would do best in a career that puts you around other people.

Actually due to COVID and the isolating a lot of people are having a hard time and even struggle with feeling depressed because they thrive better when being around others. This is especially true for your age group.

You may have a separation anxiety challenge. Given that you are still so young yet it confuses you and you feed into it unknowingly. Often when someone gets bored and needs social stimulation they find ways to keep socially active. It’s been hard to do that right now due to COVID. Some countries are more restrictive than others.

Idk how things are where you are but I suggest finding creative ways you can stay as social as possible.

[greenfeather]

Thank you again Divine 1966 and Open Eyes for your kind replies.

Yes, in Italy it's the same. Actually both can diagnose, but psychiatrists have the last word and only them can prescribe medication. Nonetheless, often psychotherapists use "friends" who whork as psychiatrists to validate their diagnosis and prescribe medication. I had been prescribed Valium for general anxiety at my first visit, and then the doctor never asked me how I was doing. So I started taking three times the recommended dosage every day and luckily my friends noticed I was acting weird and convinced me to stop before I could hurt myself.

Now yes I would like some strategies to cope. And above all I would like to know if there's some underlying problem that makes me feel like this, because then I could say "ok, it's my illness that makes me think like this". My only diagnosis (the one that a psychiatrist gave me) is depression with anxious features. Therapists have made other hypothesis such as BPD and bipolar II or cyclothymia, but I don't fully recognize myself in neither of them.

I remember that in middle school I had a best friend and I would feel hurt if he didn't answer to a text or hanged out with someone else without telling me. I never told anything to him because I knew my thoughts were not justified. This pattern continued throughout my life and I would concentrate all my attention towards one friend at a time and my whole mood depended on him, because it made the difference between feeling loved or feeling lonely.

Then when I started doing drugs I magically got rid of this problem and I was finally able to live a normal life. Then unfortunately the problem came back and at one point I couldn't say anymore if my mood swings were caused by friendships or drugs but it was probably both. That's when other problems started to add such as anxiety and paranoid thoughts.

Then when I quit I felt way better but this problem remained and I lost hope. If a friend doesn't answer to a text for example (even if he was him who texted me in the first place) I start to think that he doesn't see me as a friend. I start to think that he considers me an unworthy person and that he hangs out with me only because I am generous. And all sorts of thoughts like this. I would like to know the reason behind my thinking process, instead therapists jump from one thing to another, asking questions, and I get confused until the hour ends and I have to pay.

Edit: Yes I do have hobbies and I study, but I can't do anything right now because of my depression. If I feel loved by my friends I can do anything I want and I'm full of energy. Otherwise I just feel like I'm dead.

Edit: Unfortunately the only support group in my area is an addiction center. There is also a national hotline run by volunteers but it's always occupied with calls and it's very difficult to find it free.