She tells on me

For the past several months I have been living with a friend. I really like my privacy and spend most of my time in my room. My friend is a little strange but we all have our little quirks. We have gotten along pretty well and the living situation has been comfortable. BUT.. . she has a 17 year old daughter, who I have always felt close to. Lately when the daughter finds her self in deep trouble she finds something thinks of something to tell on me about. When I lost my job a few weeks ago I came home. The daughter was smoking marajuana in her room with friends. I came to her door and the smoke billowed out. Well, I said, hey give me a hit on that. Not a good idea I know. Not a good example to set either. But in my opinion I was not the one that should have been in deep do do. My friend searches her daughters room all the time for pot or drugs and rants and raves but never really follows through with any punishment. This time was the same. But I was told that I had lost all credibility. I told her I was sorry she felt that way. As I said before, I really should not have asked to take a toke from that joint. But it was not my pot and I was not fogging up my room, the daughter and her friends were.. So when mom came home and pitched a fit, the daughter had to tell on me. Yesterday the daughter got kicked out of school again. I have tried to talk to her before about the importance of school and education etc. I said I know you want to have a good job, I know you want more then your mom has, dont you? She made a couple comments about her mom and then went back in her room. But I made this comment because the daughter has told me on more then one occasion that her mom says "you dont love me" you dont respect me" and the daughter told me, "I love my mom" I just dont respect her, she doesnt even work, she doesnt even have a job." I would also like to add that mom has a friend that she occasionally does a little work for. About 5 or 6 days in the last 3 months! My wording was probably not the best, but my statement was totally based on information I got from her several times. Boy this is turning out to be a longer post then I thought sorry.
Anyway, of course when the daughter got in trouble today, all of a sudden I am in trouble and mom needs to talk to me etc etc. I have been able to avoid her today. I dont want to hear the crap that she is going to fling at me! And I think she needs to look at the game her daugther (who does no wrong) plays with her and now I am involved. I know I will be confronted tomorrow, and I am thinking I should just say, my comment was based on being told that your daughter does not respect you cause you dont work! I dont need this crap. One thing I am going to do is only smile, say hi and bye to the daughter. But any sugesstions?

I think not taking alot of time with the daughter is the best thing you can do at this point. I am sure she needs guidance but at some point you just have to turn away from it when it is causing you problems. kids are good at getting adults in trouble. I agree that you should not have asked for a toke on the smoke. never a good thing there.

I would ask if I could help more with the household so I could have a place where my comments might hold more weight.
It sounds like a sibling rivalry situation with your friend being the "mom" to both of you and you and the daughter complaining about each other. I would either take a responsible position in the household or pay better attention to negative situations and counter the daughter's known responses with threats of my own such as, "If you mention this to your mother, I imagine I can get her drug searches to be a lot more intense in the future."

Teenagers (especially troubled ones) can be the pits sometimes. She's doing a great job at deflecting her mom's flak off her and onto you.

I think communication with the mom about what responsibilities should be taken in the household are in order. From there, stick to those responsibilities and leave the daughter's upbringing to her mother. Walk away from trying to help the girl and keep to yourself in that area.

If the daughter is doing something illegal and self harming, you can counter with "you have a choice, either you tell your mom or I will". If she refuses, then you can let the mom know very quietly, and without judgement let her know whats going on and walk away for mom to deal with it the way she sees fit. That should be the end of your repsonsibility towards her daughter.

Granted you made a poor decision regarding the pot, but it's a lesson learned. Don't beat yourself up over it, but move on from it.

In the meantime, maybe you should begin looking into other housing arrangements. There are always other options to choose from, just a matter of opening your mind to the possibilities and doing your research

Wishing you well curley!


sabby

It sounds like you're in a situation in which you'll never be able to win. You might want to think about finding another, more peaceful place to live.

It seems like you're allowing yourself to be used by this teenager. It's ridiculous. She's obviously turning everything on to stay out of trouble. Her mother turns on you. But you're allowing this teenager to blow smoke up your a&&. Why you continue to trust this teenager is beyond me. She's a kid in trouble. It's up to the mother to handle her not you. I, personally, would say moving out and away from them would be better for you.
Good Luck
Ocean