What do you think about contacting a high school bully to tell them what they did was not ok? Then blocking them for no further contact.


This pandemic has brought up a lot of painful memories for me related to past trauma and I think these are some things I need to process.


The most disturbing part is that this person is now a counselor.

[Fuzzybear]

I think it would be ok to tell them this. What they did was definitely NOT ok. It's possible it might cause them to self reflect (something people who engage in bullying are not renouned for...)

I also find it very disturbing that this person is now a counsellor. A very abusive aunt is a phone counsellor

I will be talking to my therapist tomorrow. Maybe she can give me insight too.

[divine1966]

How long ago was it? Not saying there is timeline on bullying and it’s not a bad idea to let the person know but if it was a long ago, would they even remember, they weren’t even adults?

I had so much happened in my life since high school (Including major move across the world)that I barely remember anything or care, just not on my radar. Do you ever keep in touch with them? I keep in touch with two former classmates but other than that, no thanks.

I am sure they know they did something bad but then again maybe they don’t. Is it possible this person is just fine now and were just nasty as a teenager? People change. They grow up.

Personally I’d not bother but I understand you wanting to address it

I was in a really bad place in high school and it (the bullying) was traumatic. I'm not really sure I care if she's changed. I mean, if she has, great for her. I really hope she has. But I feel that this is something I need to address in some way shape or form. Even just in therapy.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

I was in a really bad place in high school and it (the bullying) was traumatic. I'm not really sure I care if she's changed. I mean, if she has, great for her. I really hope she has. But I feel that this is something I need to address in some way shape or form. Even just in therapy.

Absolutely you should address it in therapy. See if your therapist suggests to contact this person. I am sure she changed in at least some ways. She is an adult. She wasn’t then. But of course it hurts nonetheless. Maybe she’d even want to apologize. Therapist should help with all this

Addressing it may take the form of contacting this person. Or It may not. It's for me to make that decision and I will not make it impulsively or lightly. I just know that in a dark moment today, it (contacting this person) was a thought I'd had.


I'm off to self care land. This pandemic has been really hard lately!

[Skeezyks]

I don't know. I'm an older person now. But many years ago, I was bullied incessantly verbally, emotionally and physically for 4 years by a gang of older boys one of whom beat me up breaking my nose in the process. (In the end I got blamed for it.)

When I consider what you propose, what occurs to me is that something such as this has the potential to simply open a can of worms, so to speak, without really accomplishing anything. Is this really going to make you feel better about what this person did to you? Is there a possibility that, after you do it, you'll feel a sense of satisfaction for a short while, but then you'll start itching to do just a little bit more... and then a little bit more? In other words, is this just a first step down a slippery slope?

Believe me I know how you feel about having been bullied. And the fact this person is now a counselor does make it all seem just that much more hurtful I would imagine. (I have no idea whatever happened to any of my bullies. To be quite honest, I hope they all died... young!) But I don't know if what you're thinking of doing really serves any useful purpose. I see you're going to be talking with your therapist about it. And I think that's a good plan. My own opinion, for what it's worth, would be to forget trying to do something to get back at your bully & focus on healing that part of you the bullying damaged so you can (hopefully) let go of what happened to you & move forward with your life. I do understand what you wrote about the pandemic situation bringing up painful memories. This is something I'm struggling with as well. My best wishes to you...

Originally Posted by divine1966

Absolutely you should address it in therapy. See if your therapist suggests to contact this person. I am sure she changed in at least some ways. She is an adult. She wasn’t then. But of course it hurts nonetheless. Maybe she’d even want to apologize. Therapist should help with all this

Good post. Thx

Skeezyks I will read your post later. I need to really practice some self care right now.

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

I don't know. I'm an older person now. But many years ago, I was bullied incessantly verbally, emotionally and physically for 4 years by a gang of older boys one of whom beat me up breaking my nose in the process. (In the end I got blamed for it.)

When I consider what you propose, what occurs to me is that something such as this has the potential to simply open a can of worms, so to speak, without really accomplishing anything. Is this really going to make you feel better about what this person did to you? Is there a possibility that, after you do it, you'll feel a sense of satisfaction for a short while, but then you'll start itching to do just a little bit more... and then a little bit more? In other words, is this just a first step down a slippery slope?

Believe me I know how you feel about having been bullied. And the fact this person is now a counselor does make it all seem just that much more hurtful I would imagine. (I have no idea whatever happened to any of my bullies. To be quite honest, I hope they all died... young!) But I don't know if what you're thinking of doing really serves any useful purpose. I see you're going to be talking with your therapist about it. And I think that's a good plan. My own opinion, for what it's worth, would be to forget trying to do something to get back at your bully & focus on healing that part of you the bullying damaged so you can (hopefully) let go of what happened to you & move forward with your life. I do understand what you wrote about the pandemic situation bringing up painful memories. This is something I'm struggling with as well. My best wishes to you...

@Skeezyks


Thank you. This is excellent advice and I think that, while I would likely not keep ding more and more, there was a reason why I asked this question here. You asked "would this actually make you feel better?" I think that's what I was wondering too. And the truth is, I don't know.


I take these words you've written to heart, you knowledgeable elder, you. Also I think, that if someone's been through something like that (and I am sorry that you have) and is saying this advice to me, you are very much onto something.


I will talk to my therapist. Honestly, when I'm feeling good, and better, I don't think about getting back at my bullies. But I do think it's worth it to explore in therapy and to process and integrate what happened.

Whenever these things come up lately, I think I know what I need: I need to be there for myself in some way that I am not currently there for myself. I need to be KIND to myself. I am often...when these thoughts come up...blindsided by them. And I get completely absorbed and tangled in them.


I used to meditate. I have been thinking that I need to come back to that.

But I also...something needs to be resolved. I can feel it. If even just knowing that I am safe and validating myself.

I think part of why this comes up, and the me wanting to confront this person, is because I was not validated in the past and I felt powerless. Somehow, I know there is empowerment for me, somewhere in these painful memories.


Anyway, I went on a little tangent there. Thank you Skeezyks.

[Open Eyes]

Often when looking back to a bully experience typically when younger the victim honestly didn't know what to do about it or how to stand up to the bully. There was no rescuer or a source of comfort and that typically makes one feel unsafe and vulerable.

It's not so much the person, but the way that person made you feel that can get triggered. Ironically, bullies tend to be weak and vulnerable inside and they engage in bullying so they can conquer that inner weakness or need to feel they exist and have relevance. Some bullies are actually bullied or even abused by a parent.

[*Beth*]

In elementary school I was bullied by a group of girls. It was horrible. In high school we just avoided each other. Years passed, decades passed, we had numerous high school reunions and...

...much to my complete surprise the bullies had "awakened" at some point and become really nice women. I mean, really decent people. Now we're all friends and what a gift it is, to have friends I've known all my life. It's an extended family.

Since your bully is now a counselor, perhaps he has made major changes in his life. He might have been a bully because he was being abused in his family. Who knows? I'd approach him with a "willing to be taught" attitude. You just never know!

[RoxanneToto]

If you’re really unsure, I think I’d write the letter anyway, and not send it - a cathartic exercise! But as BethRags said, if you’re willing to brave reading their response you might be surprised. I’m sorry you had such experiences in school, either way. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[sarahsweets]

Hey @WovenGalaxy:
I think you should look at what you expect and want from this. They are not in your life anymore so expecting them to change or seeing if they changed is kinda irrelevant. If you expect an apology, what would that do for you? Counselor or not I doubt this person is going to remember and if they do, I doubt they are going to apologize in a sincere way to you. it sounds like you want them to feel bad. They didnt feel bad then, and their perspective might have minimized what happened in their mind and they might not understand or care how it affected you. They might not even remember. Imagine if you did say something and they told you they didnt remember? It would probably hurt you. I think trying to make the past better by expecting an old bully to care has the potential to backfire. Do you think you are wanting to do this because they are a counselor and you think they shouldnt be? If that is the case then be careful you sorted out you motivations for contacting this person. Ultimately I feel like you need to protect yourself and I do not feel contacting them will do that/

I stand with where I responded to divine and Skeezyks yesterday.


sarahsaweets, I agree that I should look at what I want to get from this. I am not expecting them to change or see if they changed. I am not expecting them to care. I want nothing to do with them. Like I said in my OP, my original thought was to block them right after I said what I said. I'm not going to defend or dispute the rest of this. I got help yesterday and feel good about that.

I requested this thread be closed as I've gotten the support / help I need!