My two siblings are triangulating me

I just finished watching a on YouTube.

The host discusses the negative impact of triangulation between siblings:

• Pits siblings against each other
• Creates a division, hatred, tension, anger, resentment, and competition
• Roles that we take on when we are forced into triangulation between siblings

When one sibling triangulates me and I call them on it (smear campaign against me), it just escalates their hatred of me which is exhausting to absorb BUT it is validation for me that I'm doing the right thing, by sticking up for myself.

Hey @Motts I hope you dont mind me sharing this link. I was unable to watch the video at the moment and googled it and thought i would share in case there were others who were unable to watch the video. Great thread .
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There was a whole dynamic like that in my family I disengaged from. It was mother/aunt/sisters/me. My husband called it the Game of Phones

Now I speak much less to all of them, and not to one sister at all (whom I thought I was very close with). When they start talking smack, I grunt an ‘uh huh’ or remain silent. And I don’t say anything negative about anyone anymore either. I was feeding into it previously, I was part of the problem. Now it’s just a lot quieter with no one to talk to, but it’s better.

Yeah. I could wrote a novel on the ways my siblings triangulate me. They are textbook examples. It's pathetic. Even now as adults, I pay the price when I pick my battles to call them out on their malarky in order to create healthy boundaries and basically show them, that they can't get away with their emotional abuse of me anymore. They retaliate with the silent treatment, name calling, threats to slander me to other family (which they already do anyway, have done so, for decades), threats to cut me off from their children, threats to cut me off for emotional/financial support (big surprise, they have never supported me in our entire lives), and they absolutely will never apologize to me and have never.

Even our extended family friends treat me with disdain thanks to my siblings trashing me to them.

Now I know why adults in middle age and older, are lonely and feel isolated. It's because like me, they are their family's chosen target or black sheep -- the truthful, kind hearted one who is deemed "disposable" by the toxic, dysfunctional family members. God forbid we scapegoats are successful. Even our successes are labeled "failures" in our divisive toxic family members' eyes, b/c we showed that we value ourselves enough to pursue something and are successful at it, even if its as small as paying rent, to as large as running a company, being a parent, having a healthy romantic relationship, taking care of a plant or a pet, paying bills. You know what I mean.

I feel incensed now, thinking of all the ways my siblings triangulate me with everyone around us. My sister used to tell lies to my boyfriends. She'd wait until she could get them alone at a family function then she would list off ALL the reasons that the boyfriend should flee as soon as he could from me. Now, I'm so protective of my life, I refuse to share anything personal with my siblings. Because I know they will violate my trust if I do share anything personal, and they will gossip about me to sabotage my relationships.

Your husband is clever. That's exactly what triangulation is like for the victim of it.

Because my siblings have their own families and homes and successful careers, everyone looks to them as "the good eggs" of my family, and they label me as "the loser." So, cousins etc. never contact me to ask me about my life. They ask my siblings for updates b/c they have zero interest in investing any of their time in maintaining a relationship with me.

My parents siblings make cutting remarks to me, that are rather snarky (and are intentionally that way). Such as, "At least you are trying to be successful." And "Well, you contribute in your own special way." As if I'm on the special needs spectrum or dumb as rocks. It's really blatant the way that they intentionally put me down. I could react emotionally hurt, but I have come to learn, that since they don't care about my feelings, if I stay silent and play dumb to their snarkiness, I'm better off. No reaction from me. That's my self-defense., I have learned that you can't successfully confront triangulators. They just don't care and they will never change or view or treat me with respect.

A great video

I know what its like to be hated by family. We have to have an open heart and give them the benefit of the doubt, because they are family. If you cannot love family because of certain things that happen within the household who can you love. Have a heart of gold encased in steel.

At the end of the day, siblings are human and they make mistakes, we must bear with them and be attentive to seeing them recover. I love my family members and spent most of this year patching things up with them.