[chalkbag]

Hi all,

I have been in a relationship for a bit over a year and I am mostly really really happy, but I am worried about my jealousy. I have been cheated on after 10 years of relationship before and that relationship ended out of nowhere for me. I think this still causes anxieties. I trust my new partner 100% and I am not worried he will cheat on me. But if he meets new people and hangs out with them instead of me I sometimes get really angry ( even though he mostly hangs out with guys). I think I am worried that he realises that other people are actually more fun than I am. I really want both of us to have lots of friends and be independent and it makes him really happy so rationally I think it is great that he makes new friends ( he does not exclude me or anything I do meet his friends). I really hate myself for this and I don't say anything since I know how stupid this is but of course he notices that I am upset and I don't really know how to deal with this. I am also very worried that I get very jealous if he finds a close female friend. Again rationally I don't think this would be a problem (most of my best friends are men and I don't think there is anything wrong with this). Any advice how to deal with these feelings would be greatly appreciated.

Consider working with a therapist or on your own to raise your self esteem. It may be irrational and a product of the previous experiences you've been through, but you don't have to hate yourself for feeling how you feel. Do you have your own friends? Consider making friends of your own. And again, I think you might benefit from feeling better about yourself in general.

Self disclosure: I am insecure too (and while I'm not in a relationship atm, I'm insecure in dating. At least, last I checked. I haven't dated in like a year). But I think its ok to ask for reassurance from one's partner from time to time. So if you need to do that, maybe he will be receptive? Don't hate yourself.

[chalkbag]

Thanks for your reply WovenGalaxy! You are right I really have to work on my self-esteem.

Originally Posted by chalkbag

Thanks for your reply WovenGalaxy! You are right I really have to work on my self-esteem.

I'm glad I could help.

[Bill3]

What WovenGalaxy said.

[sarahsweets]

Jealousy imo is a toxic emotion. I do not mean YOU are a toxic person I mean it almost like jealousy is like a toxin you need to rid yourself from. Many people think it stems from some transgression that someone has committed against you and while I agree that it can trigger these feelings, my personal opinion is that it brings up feelings of insecurity and self esteem to the surface. I think therapy and learning to love yourself can help with this.

[Bill3]

[Fridaythe13th]

Hey!
Thanks for starting this topic. I'm going to read every post and suggestion with interest because I have so much trouble with this issue even though I've been married to the same kind man for 50 years.

People here are right. It does stem from your lack of belief that you are a great enough person to able to hold someone you think is valuable. In my younger days, at least three of the men I dated cheated on me, one of them, I was actually engaged to. It only served to reinforce what I already held to be an absolute truth... that I wasn't enough for anyone.

I struggle with it to this day, though my husband has never strayed--and believe me, I'm pretty vigilant. But I've always been afraid. One thing that has helped me a lot, is actually pausing and looking at my husband and knowing that he has too much character to hurt me that bad. Maybe you could try something like that.

I hope you can find a way to believe in your own intrinsic worth. I haven't been able to get all the way there, but I've had a lot going on, lol. Good luck and all my best wishes.
--Friday

[Prycejosh1987]

The way to not be jealous to me is to believe that there are other options. Everyone has faults and everyone can be attractive to anyone. I believe anyone and get anyone in this life. I have seen men with one arm with girlfriends. I have seen beggars with girlfriends, anything is possible.

[RoxanneToto]

I feel like I can be very jealous too, and I hate it! Sometimes I can rationalise it away - for example, this afternoon I saw one of my favourite chefs (Heston Blumenthal) on tv, giving a dinner party and serving his signature creative dishes. I felt jealous of the guests, but realised there was no way I’d have got the chance to go to said dinner, even if I’d known about it. I wasn’t jealous they were with Heston, just that they were getting to try his creations.
But, it’s a lot more difficult to rationalise the feeling away in a relationship. I’ve read it comes from a place of insecurity and fear. It certainly does, in my case.