Bad motives vs good reasons

Let me be blunt, I’ll cut to the chase. I want to meet someone new, a female since I’m a straight male. The truth is that the beginning of this adventure (the first date etc.) will be truly delightful, like in a movie. I’m gonna do my absolute best to collect some great, rememberable moments for both of us. I’ve been always like this and it usually works.

However, the bad news is that I used to “be” like that for two reasons: to get admiration I need from the girl and to destroy my potential competition, whoever those guys are, or at least show her that I can do better.

This is just how I work and it does not work in the long term (guess why)… but this time I want to change the rules of the game during the half-time break, sort to speak. I’m ready to work my ***** off with my therapist to become more human and to eliminate bad, narcissist habits. I think I got the theory by know. I need practice though… but I do not want to toy with anybody… I can’t approach this without those bad motives at the beginning, because I’m wired that way… Is it okay to be little fake just to become more real after a while or should I drop this idea before someone gets hurt?

I would drop the idea and become real first. My suggestion is to continue working on this in therapy before you start dating. Dating SHOULD involve (ideally) being your most authentic self. That being said, SO many people don't do this.

Dating does also involve putting your best foot forward -- but does that have to involve lies, a false facade, and whatnot? NO. It can mean putting out there your best traits for someone to see, but in a genuine fashion.

As far as motives go - the true motives should be: allowing your date to see and know what you're interested in, what your values are, what you care about, what your passions are, and who you are generally speaking.

Every guy I've known though wants to impress their date. What is MOST impressive is how he treats his date, how he treats the waiter at dinner and how his manners are, in my opinion. NOT what he does for a living, and nothing big. Just how does he treat ME and how does he treat other people.

I'm going on, but from a female perspective. Don't let the bad motives motivate you -- let authenticity motivate you instead.

I'm female and I completely agree with this. I was engaged to someone who was highly intelligent, interesting, great job prospects.... but after 2 years his darker side was... something I needed to get away from. I would not have wanted to continue this relationship. In fact, I stayed too long.

(To the OP) I think that if you work with your therapist on this, hopefully nobody will get hurt. I think you have insight that some do not...Thanks for sharing.

If you really have been diagnosed as a narcissist, then you need to take a minimum of a year to go into some intense therapy (DBT works) and after that you can perhaps look into dating.

I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to be fake. Take time figuring out things first.

Personally I never went on dates to collect memorable moments. I went to see if I can connect and meet my match with whom I can be myself. First date does not need to be elaborate, actually quick and uneventful is the best . If you click you click, then you can do something over the top later.

If I don't click I'll blame myself and feel very, very bad. For now I can't see how I could fix that... If I do the show however, it almost always clicks... at least at the beginning... but I don't think it's a bad thing if I'm gonna fix reasons behind my main actions and add little more of me to it.. I mean who in the world likes dates that go bad or simply suck? Sure, the show is just a show and sometimes I have to do some acting to keep it rolling but I think it's acceptable if it's there only to help smooth more important things out... wouldn't you agree?

No I don’t agree. I don’t need a man to give me a show or do acting and I don’t do any either. Just be yourself and let the cards fall where they may. Things either work out or they don’t.

For example I am direct and blunt, sometimes it’s a problem but that’s who I am. I am not going to be subdued and mellow on my first date for a man to discover later that’s not who I am. He either likes me or he doesn’t. I am not acting. I’d rather be alone than acting.

As about you acting, women often fall for men who act and pretend and by the time they realize his true nature they are too deep in. So I don’t think it’s fair to act just to get a woman. She’ll figure it out eventually and won’t stick around. Be yourself. If being yourself is not suitable at the moment then do not date now.

You are so direct and blunt... Thanks for your input.

I mean well. I am glad you are working with your therapist. It’s commendable. Women actually like when men working on themselves so mentioning that would be a positive thing for you

Hey @MisterPaul I think you are sort of projecting the path of how things are going to go and what you are going to do before you are even dating. That isnt healthy for anyone. Keep working with the therapist. Have you told the therapist this.
Oh and @divine1966 is very direct but a wonderful contributor.

@divine1966 Good post. I'd rather be me than act as if I'm someone I'm not too. They either like me or they don't

Be yourself and do what is best. You should never be fake, but always true to who you are. Tackle every situation in the best way you can think of. All the best with the therapist.