I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

It’s actually helping me right now.

I've been awake since 3 AM.

He and this woman also had earlier text messages with her saying "I want a mimosa!" and him saying "Let's go! Brunch and mimosas!"

He tried to claim that they were writing that while sitting at their desks and that they were making fun of a customer who was saying that.

OMG.... seriously? He thinks I'm going to believe this????

He must really think I'm stupid, OR he's desperate to cover up and will say anything.

Now I do not know if they actually got together one weekend for brunch. I've pretty much been with him 24/7 and since it's covid AND given she has a baby, I highly doubt they actually got together, though there was a weekend where he did some errands all on his own without me for a couple hours.

I will never know.

I asked him point blank the other night if I have to get tested for STDs or covid, if he's kissed her or slept with her. He says no. I don't think they actually had a chance to get physical, but it was headed in that direction and I'm sure he would have come up with some lie in order to see her. But like I said, we were together pretty much 24/7 and he came right home from work each night.

I cannot believe I am up this early even thinking about this still. I want to move forward and move on.

The less I speak with him, the better off I am.

I am processing everything - our whole relationship. I knew in my gut I could not trust him with other women, or about anything, really. I picked up on certain nuances about him that told me that he is not trustworthy.

I saw him enjoying attention he received from any woman hitting on him. He did NOT enforce boundaries whenever this happened, even if I was upset about it. He lied to me a year ago when a woman tapped him on the shoulder while we were dancing together. This is a woman who later ran her hands through my husband's hair right in front of me. He omitted telling me that she was trying to interrupt our dance in order for him to dance with her.

There are other things that sent my alerts up around other women while we've been together, including his extreme reactions and defensiveness whenever I would question him.

He probably has done this more than once, I am guessing. Who knows? I will never know the real truth, but my gut says this isn't the first time. Bottom line: he's clearly a cheater. We were supposed to be working on our relationship. Period. And he cheated, period.

The good news is now I am in a much better frame of mind in terms of my anger level and my rage, and I can think more clearly and logically through everything. Thank goodness because last week for me was absolute and sheer HELL.

I am still not eating much and I have lost 4 pounds already. There's no diet more effective than stress, emotional anguish and upset. I imagine I will continue to drop the pounds pretty quickly, which is OK by me. I cannot help it since I've completely lost my appetite. I try to eat and I have to force myself.

Soon I will try to pick up a walking regime, but right now, I'm just not up for it. I know I need to do a lot of self care right now, but for the moment, that entails getting a lot of support and reaching out to people to talk about it.

Walking is a good idea. Although I don’t know what’s the weather by you, it snowed two days already and is way too nasty to be outside. Me and my friend are walking in the mall on the weekend. It’s warm lol plus even if you walk alone you don’t feel alone. Headphones on and enjoy.

I love walking in all weather's. My dad always said "There's no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing”. The right boots and jacket, it's not a problem

I think I will aim for walking starting next week. This week feels more like mental health therapy and other types of self care.

It's actually very warm here right now - it's been wet and rainy, but warm, thankfully.

I haven't heard from him since last night, and I'm feeling pretty good. Every minute or every hour I am feeling better. I am now reading an ebook on abusive men... it's 1,000 pages long, but I am reading through most of it. Very enlightening material on abusers, their mentality and general makeup. This is helping me to heal myself.... I also have therapy today, thank goodness.

It’s 27F here. Snowing lightly. Mind you it’s not arctics but it’s a bit much for walking lol slippery too.

Good ideas!!!!

I recommend a book “Women who love too much” (even though it’s called women who love too much, it could be for men who go for wrong partners too.

If you don’t want to buy a book, below is a review, it summarizes concepts nicely

Women Who Love Too Much, Are You One of Them? - Relationship Problems ?EUR" Tools to Build and Maintain a Healthy Marriage

EEK. I am praying it does not snow here for a while, though we got three inches of snow on Halloween.

Thanks! I think I may have this book buried in a box in our attic. I will have to look for it.

It could be an eye opening if read at the right time

Yes - key words... if read at the right time.

Right now, I am focused on the abuse... and less on myself in that regard.

Please help me to not think of him and what he may be going through right now. I don't want to care. I don't want to think about how HE feels. I want to care about how I feel, and what I am going through. I want healing and recovery..... Please help with anything supportive you can think of. Thank you.

It;s our FIRST FULL DAY of NO CONTACT. And I am now hurting because of it. I know I am simply just withdrawing emotionally from him, but it's hard because I was so used to our texting back and forth all day long. Now there's a void, and I cannot seem to fill it no matter what I do today.

I'm wishing you well, and hoping you find some peace

Thank you.

What helps me is two things.

One is that there are thousands and maybe millions of people who are in the same boat as you right now everywhere in the world. From the dawn of time that’s how people feel after break ups more and less and many feel that right now same time as you. I’ve read about this technique pretend to fly over the world and look from above at people on different continents and know that many are in the same boat. Try to connect to them everywhere in the world

Second is to know that it could always be worse. I could be deaf and blind or have no legs or be homeless on the street or live in a war zone hiding from bombs. Break up wouldn’t sound as bad after that vision

When my son in law died, my daughter kept saying “life is ..., it will always be sh..., nothing will ever be good”. It went on for quite awhile. Obviously it was grief talking

And now she has a great job, getting married to a great guy, they bought their first place together, and the only sh.. is that they had to postpone the wedding due to covid. Other than that things are great. If you asked her then, she’d laugh at us. Of course grief will always be there but she doesn’t think that life is crap anymore, because it isn’t

When I saw a therapist, she used to always say that “too much idle time is bad for people”. I know in absence of a job it’s hard to be busy but you have to focus on that. Be busy and find things to be busy. As about texting all day. That’s a habit. If you two had the kind of jobs that don’t allow it, you’d not be texting. So you can break that habit but getting yourself busy.

You can’t text when walking, running, swimming, cooking, cleaning, talking to other people-not him, posting online, pursuing hobbies that involve hands like put puzzles together, eventually getting a job and working (most jobs won’t allow constant texting plus you’d be busy). Stay busy as much as possible

@divine1966, can I just say THANK YOU a thousand times right now?

I love all your suggestions - especially the global birds' eye viewpoint!!!!

But yes, it's hard to stay super busy with covid and unemployment. I am trying.

When I start working again, it should help!!!! I have three new leads right now, thankfully.

I pray everyday now too. It helps me emotionally and mentally.

More to come later.. have to make a phone call to a friend.