I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Nice

Awesome. Way to go

Thanks so much you two!!!!!!!!!

I am actually experiencing JOY through my tears and pain.... there IS a light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!

I think that getting physically separated is a good first step. It allows a person to proceed with a clear head. It gets you out of the toxic situation and gives you a place to operate from.

Why was the trig icon added to my thread I wonder? I have no clue.

I wasn't sure when that appeared. I never know when to put a trigger icon on a post. I'm guessing talk of physical abuse...abuse in general, could def. trigger lots of people. Just about any thing can be a trigger, though right, unfortunately

Yeah it must be. I didn't realize I may need it.

Oh my gosh. So, last night I got a taste of happiness again. And honestly, I haven't felt that level of happiness for a very long time - I think during the honeymoon stage of my relationship is the last time I felt that happy.

It was a reminder of what life can be like without abuse, and with my freedom.

Although I have this nagging feeling he is going to continue to try to get me to reconcile. He mentioned it twice yesterday, and I didn't reply back at all about it. I said nothing in response.

And... I just got filled with anxiety about this divorce process. What if he starts to get angry and retaliate? What if he goes on smear campaign against me with our mutual friends? What if he turns and becomes abusive again, once I continue to put my foot down, keep my boundaries strong and continue saying no to him? My mind just got filled with all the what if's and I got scared.

I also know that this is the most vulnerable and dangerous time for me now. I know that after the anger fades, I could easily get sucked into the opposite emotions while perhaps missing the good parts of him and while dealing with the loneliness. I don't want to cave. I know I will not. I know in reality that I am staying the course and that I will follow through on a divorce. I just don't want to waver at all. NOT ONE BIT. And since my gut tells me he will keep trying, I know I need to remain steady and strong, even if my emotions pull. me in the opposite direction at times.

What I am scared of is when the anger and rage towards him fades, and when the loneliness and emptiness really sinks in.

We're barely talking by text except for about moving and apartment details. But yesterday, he threw a pitch twice to me over text to reconcile. He told me he loves me and wants to work things out, with professional help.

I need to remain strong and steadfast in my stance, regardless of how empty or lonely I feel. I'm afraid of feeling nostalgic for the good times with him. His good side is still a part of his bad side, and his bad side is pretty freaking evil.

I have to stay away from him. Please help me to remain strong.

Have you thought about having a script to use with him? That way you wouldn't have to worry about retaliating, or what you might say? It might even be something that you could just practice using and could help things feel a bit more secure/stable.

I don't know.... our communications are mainly on text now. I avoided physically seeing him at all yesterday. If it's on text, I can certainly strategize before replying.

This is what he just wrote - what the hell do I say in reply????

I am lost without you. I am so sad without you I am floundering without you I want to fix this so badly. I want to mend your heart. I am so sorry for everything. It wasn’t supposed to end you were right. I beg you to put aside the hurt and anger and see the love that is still there. I want to be there for you and help you will ask what I was thinking and All I know is that I still love you.

He said he wanted to work on marriage and with professional help before. But instead went on courting other women and for over a month, and that’s the one we know about. That’s how he “work” on marriage. So no thanks. He is never to be trusted

You say nothing to that. There is no need to reply

Mend your heart reeeeeally.
I don't know. I told my ex I didn't love him anymore (wasn't true, just wanted left alone). He left me alone for a while after that.
I think it would be good to have a script so you don't have to think about him, and can strategize for your future.
"I don't have anything to say. I will put my lawyer in touch with your lawyer." Maybe. Or delete the message. Make a folder for screenshots, and delete his number each time he messages. Block him even. What do you need him for?

You have to remember that the only reason he is not still carrying on with this woman is becayse you caught him and she is a coworker and you called his work, she likely put a stop to it figuring out he is very much married and she worries about her job.

If she wasn’t a coworker or you didn’t call his job, he’d 100% still carrying on with her.

He is lonely because you left him and the other woman is not available anymore and will take time to find someone new.

Otherwise he’d not be lonely at all. He’d probably be already living with her as she already invited him for holidays

Thanks you two!!!

This is what I wrote in reply:

I gave you a second chance in July when I faced you with divorce then. You had my heart and my commitment, even after that. 

But you betrayed me. Not once, but you double betrayed me with all your lies claiming you would NEVER do this to me. You claimed over and over again that you are just "not wired" that way. BS. Clearly you ARE wired that way.



And our relationship was NOT over. We agreed to and we were actively working on our relationship. IF you thought it was over, that is NO excuse, while we were STILL TOGETHER, MARRIED and NOT SEPARATED and while we were WORKING on things. 



There is NO excuse for what you've done. And like I said, IF it WERE over between us, it should have ENDED BEFORE you decided to go have a little something with someone else on the side, WHILE telling ME EVERYY DAY HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME! You even made love to me Sat night, then you're texting HER sweet nothings the very next day! 

I will NOT listen to your excuses or any of your so called reasoning. There is NO excuse. I gave you a second chance in July, and you've blown it.

And YES, he WOULD still be carrying on with her if I hadn't busted him and if I hadn't called her at work.

He is simply all alone now and is NOW regretful because he got BUSTED.

He was lining up the next one, in case I left him or so that he could leave me. I see right through him.

And every time he sends me something like this, it emotionally charges me up, and I feel like I take a step backwards into all the rage and anger all over again.

When you start working with a lawyer, then you can tell him to communicate through your lawyer and block him. He won’t be able to text you. He isn’t comfortable on the air mattress in a tiny room and hopes to have a comfort of a nice two bedroom and expensive bed. He is full of it. Yes he was absolutely lining up his next victim. And it’s possible that HE would leave you if it worked out with this woman. That likely was a plan. He isn’t liking it that he was dumped.

I have to keep communications open with him about apartment and moving details for a while yet. I cannot block him even once divorce process starts.

He bought a new mattress on Sat, so he returned my air mattress.

And I have no doubt he was trying to be the one to leave. Why else tell me it was "necessary" that he communicate or flirt with her? Necessary so that he's not the one getting dumped!

I ruined ALL his plans. LOL.

I know you still want to be heard by h... HEARD, but every time you say "he" here, or say "you" to him, it's just feeding the abuse cycle, which is going on as long as h... THAT is. I'm not going to say any more about h... That.
I don't think you need it at all. Think you'll be much better off without it! Just look at the start of every sentence...

I am lost without you. I am so sad without you I am floundering without you I want to fix this so badly. I want to mend your heart. I am so sorry for everything. It wasn’t supposed to end you were right. I beg you to put aside the hurt and anger and see the love that is still there. I want to be there for you and help you will ask what I was thinking and All I know is that I still love you.

That could have been sent to anybody. How about...

"I am not lost. I am not sad. I am not floundering. I can't fix this. I have a strong heart. I have nothing to be sorry for. It had to end because it was wrong. I put aside the hurt and anger and see the love that I have for myself. I can only help myself. "

Thank you.

I don't quite follow your post, but I think your revised quote at the end is supposed to be ME talking?

He IS pulling on my heart strings a tiny bit by pleading with me in this way. But it's mostly not working. I am strong and adamant in my stance.

And I wanted to reply to his text with greater strength. He cannot manipulate me any further.

Sorry, that wasn't as clear as I imagined. My point is that it looks like you are still very much manipulated into second-guessing, defending yourself (as though you are being attacked), and ultimately demoting your own needs to keep peace.
Why does there need to be open communication? If you want the abuse to end, blocking is perfectly reasonable.
You were enjoying your freedom, so what changed? I know it's a tough time, but I don't see how abuse makes things any better