I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

It's mega hard to get out of these patterns. You were focused on trying to make yourself heard, and make your relationship work for a long time. You can't expect yourself to just switch that off. It's sad that he doesn't care!
You do have to take your focus off HIM, and put it on your self, and your situation. Easier said than done though.
It helped me to think of the divorce as getting out of a contract. He broke the contract of your marriage, you didn't. He's had fair warning, sack him.
You're honestly doing better with this than I did. Don't beat yourself up, though. Remember intermittent reinforcement puts you in a kind of addicted state. You're not bad for engaging, but it's bad for you. Give yourself some TLC, and keep praying, you will get through!

And I hope he IS suffering. I want him to suffer as much as I am, and I want him to hurt as much as I am. He claims to me that he wants to die and cannot live without me. He claimed this morning that he was shaking and sobbing and breaking out in hives. He breaks out in hives from upset and stress. He told me yesterday that he is not mentally well. I hope he IS sick. I wish a truck would run him over. I wish death and immense physical pain upon him.... not really, but you get the gist. I'd love to kick him where it counts. This is how deep my rage is towards him.

I hope soon enough I can start working towards healing and towards feeling some amount of inner peace.

Thank you so much.

I will try to take the focus off of him. I have to, for my own sanity and peace. I have no peace right now... only anger.

I like the notion of a contract.

And yes, it's so hard to just switch off the caring.

I know it’s hard. It’s only normal to be that upset. Who wouldn’t? It’s enraging.

I am not sure you can make him suffer and if he is suffering, it’s likely because he got caught and wish he didn’t and now needs to sleep on air mattress. Of course he tells you how shaken he is and what not, he said that many times before. He likely believes you’ll take him back again because you did many times after he moped and sobbed. He knows how to play that game well.

It’s very normal to be upset but try to do what’s best for you. Be upset of course but try not to waste it on this loser. Trying focusing on legal actions and moving on. It’s hard but you can do it. Hugs

Thanks.

If he can stop trying to give me BS excuses and stop crying to me telling me he doesn't want this, then I can start moving forward and onwards from my rage to logistics. I got caught up again in the drama of it all yesterday. Now I am trying hard to pull back again and avoid conversation.

He is coming home soon this morning to use the shower, to visit with the cats and to move some of his belongings out. I pray I don't get more tears and more sobbing.

And yes, I think he believes I will forgive him.. and that this will just blow over. Yes, I've cried wolf a few times and have backed down. But now i truly mean business, and he will soon enough realize there is no forgiveness and that it's truly over. That's probably why he continues to give me excuses for his behavior.

It is totally unreasonable. You have only been fair, and he is ignoring your agreements, acting as though you should expect nothing, whilst he is entitled to everything he wants. He is probably sad and stressed that he isn't king of the world with queues of women waiting to kiss his feet.
You're entitled to some peace, privacy, and respect. He should be able to take responsibility for the problems he's made for himself, but is obviously too immature and deluded. I don't honestly blame you for wanting him dead
I think if you can act like he IS dead to you, that's better than what he's done... trying to keep you enslaved.
You probably could only make him actually suffer by beating him at his own game, and that would NOT be worth doing, as he would probably be a really rubbish slave, even if you did want one.
Honest impression...good for nothing, drain on society, not worth anybody's time. You will be well rid

A woman on my abuse forums on FB said his betrayal is like a double betrayal, which is far worse on me emotionally.

He had lied to me ALL of this time, for the last year and a half, saying repeatedly to me that he doesn't even think of other women, he is not "wired' to cheat, and how he would never do such a thing to me. Then after 100 times of hearing this from him, he cheats.

So it IS a double blow.... this is why I am SO enraged..... not only that, but he made love to me too, while courting her simultaneously.

It's SUCH hurtful behavior. And the LIES. The LIES!

Thank you.

I WILL try to act like he's dead to me. I will try my hardest.

GOOD RIDDANCE to him. I agree. He is a deadbeat, good for nothing loser.

I guess one thing that is tripping me up in all of this: I am STILL expecting him to behave normally and respectfully, when he has proven over and over and over again, that he has no respect and no regard. HIs lies to me all this time about how he would never cheat on me, just point to a serious deficit in his character, which I had seen before.

I really did NOT need this kind of blow, however, or pain.

This is a MOST disturbing truth about narcissists:

Narcissists and sociopaths are masters of pathological lying. They gain a sense of “duping delight” from being able to pull the wool over the eyes of their many romantic prospects. Sometimes, they lie to protect themselves and to prevent themselves from being caught cheating. They may lie about where they were the night before or tell elaborate tales about who the “friend” they were seen with really was.

However, other times, they may lie even when they have no reason to do so at all. For them, it’s about power – and being able to control a person’s perception gives them a thrill and sadistic sense of superiority and pleasure.

When it comes to infidelity, a narcissist or sociopath has no qualms lying to your face all while emphasizing how much they value honesty and transparency. They may have a primary girlfriend or boyfriend, even a spouse who they have (at least on the surface) committed to. Perhaps they even post romantic pictures with their significant partner and praise them on social media. However, they will not think twice about cheating on and gaslighting those same partners.

They also have no moral code that would prevent them from doing the unthinkable – no time limits or boundaries on when, where or how they’ll cheat or even who they’ll cheat with. They could be on a romantic vacation in Italy with you, all while swiping on Tinder and sending explicit videos to strangers. Or, if you’re not their primary partner, they could be spending the weekends with their girlfriend all while taking you out on weeknights. You would never know, unless you began investigating.

As they do this, the risk of getting caught only adds to the thrill. They enjoy manipulating. They enjoy the sex, the resources, the endless supply of admiration coming their way. But most of all? They enjoy being able to get away with it.

5 Signs You're Dating A Cheating Narcissist

What To Do When You Realize The Truth
If you notice these red flags, know that this person is unlikely to change. The way they have mistreated you was not personal – they do this to all their victims and are loyal to no one, not even their primary partner.

It was not your fault that you were targeted by this predatory personality. However, what you do next with the knowledge you have is important. The earlier you detach from this toxic personality, the better chance you have of healing and of moving forward onto the loyal relationship you truly deserve.

What's the best revenge on a narcissist?

Living well and paying no attention to them.

What liar would ever tell you that they intend to lie? Of course they always say they’d never lie or cheat. No point in asking people if they intend to cheat. Words have no value. Only actions. His actions sucked all along.

Thanks @divine1966.

He's here in the apartment now, moving things out. Turns out he will pay rent here for the next 2 months while he slowly moves all his crap out. He cannot afford to hire a mover. This actually helps me out a lot... it gives me two more months of him paying the rent and the cable bill.

Things between us are now all business. It's very WEIRD.

I feel very empty and hollow. All I want to do is cry my eyes out and I cannot right now because he's here. I feel the tears building up inside me. This is very sad. Despite having wanted to divorce before, it's still an ending, it's the death of a relationship, and the death of a marriage. The death of a long held dream....

IF I had had the guts to end this earlier and far sooner, I could have saved myself from all of this current pain, heartache and anguish.

Don't go that way. Don't play our games.

He just left. I told him he has shattered my heart into a thousand pieces. Which it is, regardless of all that I've said on here. I AM shattered. I feel completely broken. I am devastated. This IS devastating. There is no way around that fact.

I wanted revenge for like one minute. Now I am just very sad and feel devastated.

And I'm very emotional. I am saying contradictory things to him, left and right. One moment I am angry and am lashing out, telling him I deserve better and that I will find someone who will treat me far better, and the next, I'm telling him he's broken my heart into a thousand pieces and that I am completely shattered and devastated.

It's an emotional roller coaster...

And he get to have a new roommate, a male who can keep him company at least. I now have to live alone, without him, and alone with my sad thoughts of despair and heartache.

Oh it depends. I hate living with people so for me having a roommate would be a he$$ on wheels comparing to having my own place. You can get a roommate too if you prefer to live with others, just might take a minute

You are without him by choice (good choice imho) so you are in a power seat

Without a job, I have no choice BUT to get a roommate. However, we worked it out today that he will pay 2 more months rent through January and he will slowly move his stuff out over that time period. He will stay at his new place for cheap rent, and will pay rent here.

And yes, it is my choice to divorce. Thank you for reminding me of this.