I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Yeah, I guess.... I pray I am eligible for pro bono legal services. I think I should find out sometime this week. It's through the local women's bar association and is based on the abuse and on finances.

He likely wants to be in control of proceedings, whether it's getting you back or getting rid
...I would imagine...
Or he just wants a reaction... it's spiteful either way. It's only words, remember.
Wait and see if he tells you you're "nothing without him"

I did not mention this before, but he has treated me as a sexual object in addition to all the rest. He would grab my sexual parts whenever he felt like it. This is something I am embarrassed to admit - I allowed it, even though it bothered me. Just like I did not voice my upset when he would hold me down in bed. I got afraid of confrontation with him after a while, because of his frequent explosions and the mistreatment I would receive after a confrontation about his behavior.

But yeah, he also grabbed and groped on me as he pleased. I was an object to him. And a possession apparently, because he would also hold me tight saying the words "MINE".

Yeah... I think you're onto something. UGH.

He's SUCH an A-hole.

I am going to obtain a copy of the police report from that night. He keeps trying to blame ME for that night, when he was the one exploding on me and I got scared of him, so i called the police. Of course, I'm to blame.. and because of that night he decided to cheat on me because he was angry with me. He thought I was trying to get him arrested and deliberately hurt him. Not true. This is pretty much what he is telling me or is insinuating through various conversations.

If there was no charges pressed on either side, then who cares what he says.

And it's now week #3 in which I have had NO eating disorder issues. I am feeling very happy and good about that. I feel far healthier and more stabilized. I also danced in my apartment again this eve - another good sign! I felt that happiness again.... the feeling of freedom.. the feeling of regaining ME and my happy self. Walking to a restaurant on my own, I relished in the fact that I wasn't required to listen to his dribble.. his nonsense all about himself. It was always always about HIM... bis back, his work, what HE wants to eat, waiting for HIM to decide on what HE wants because that was most important.. not me, not what I wanted to eat.. not a consideration.... waiting for him to find his keys, his wallet or whatever he frequently left behind in the car... waiting for him to smoke a cigarette, while I am starving for food. What an a-hole.

I just want to know for my own sake - I need to know the exact details of that night.

Omg... I am singing again too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am dancing and I am singing!

This tells me I am SO happy to be eliminating him from my life!!!!!!! I am releasing a toxic poison... that's exactly what it feels like. I feel like myself is coming back.. in full bloom! HOORAY. I missed her!!!!!!!!!!!!

The subtle and overt oppression is gone!!!!!

I am FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so I am experiencing intermittent periods of elation, joy and freedom, coupled by reactiveness to his continued abuse.

He keeps saying things like "have a good day", "enjoy your night", and "have a good eve" which is enraging me further. I know he's doing this to push my buttons. And it's working. My reply is "you think I am enjoying these days?" and "F you".

“Have a good night” at the end of a nasty message is done to be deliberately non challant , dismissive and rude on pretenses of being polite kind of like “bless your heart” after mean comment.

It’s absolutely done to be rude or get your buttons pushed. Not done out of the goodness of his heart wishing you a good night

Exactly. And I am getting very triggered by it, so I respond with more rage at him... he is bringing out the absolute worst in me.

I am now doing what is called reactive abuse. I am responding to him with hatred and more rage. Last night I threatened to take his car away from him IF he decides to try to screw me over in any way.

I am becoming the worst version of myself... he continues to enrage me, and I continue to unload my rage on him.

Today we're not texting at all. He did not reply to my last texts from last night. They were angry texts. Now i'm very anxious about why he never responded.. it now feels as though he's the one rejecting me and it's making me very anxious.

Wasn’t the goal for him to stop texting?

Yeah... then he begs again and the whole thing starts all over again.

This is very contrary to my feelings, but today I am having anxiety over leaving him and over detaching from him. It's making it much harder today. We're not talking again. And I'm feeling a desire to cling to my relationship... I know it's purely the anxiety of truly being alone and of making it on my own that is causing this feeling, in addition to my isolation and loneliness.

I have a big work-related dilemma, for anyone reading this thread still who may be able to give me some sound advice:

I need advice ASAP on a contract position please

I understand your feelings; when I was going thru the divorce (after 31 years of abuse), I fluctuated back and forth...and drove myself nuts......I want the divorce, No don't do it. My only suggestion is to stop responding to him, unless it is necessary....responding to him in anger, just gets you upset, and he doesn't care what you think....wasted energy...abusers are emotional vampires, they want and need.....you to keep responding....the reason I stayed so long, was the fear of being alone.....I have been divorced for 19 years now, and am doing okay, although I still feel angry now and then that I had to get a divorce. HE chose that....not me. xo

Thanks @Marie123.

Thing is, I am 100% resolute in my decision to divorce my husband. I've been considering divorce since we got married. This has been a long time coming on my end. I did debate for the last year and a half. Then I reached my breaking point last July and faced him with a divorce then. He talked me out of it, promising change. Five months later, I find out he cheated on me, and that was the final straw for me.

So I am not debating about whether I SHOULD divorce him. I am simply just going through the emotional withdrawals of having a companion and love interest in my life.

It saddens me to hear you say that your ex chose the divorce, and not you. Your ex chose to be abusive; you chose to leave the abuse. So the decision to divorce was your own - you determined after 31 years of abuse that you had had enough, and that you cared too much about yourself, your life and your happiness to continue putting up with less than what you deserve. So it was your choice to leave a man who treated you far less than what you deserve. It's another way to look at it, so that you don't continue to feel bitterness about having had to get a divorce.

Hugs to you.

My best girlfriend just frustrated me to no end - she practically denied to me just now that I've been dealing with abuse and with an abuser (my husband). She asked, well could it just be the dynamic between you that is causing difficulties in communications? And are you also exhibiting unloving behaviors towards him too? I was like WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!?! That really pissed me off! I have been nothing but loving and supportive of my husband. I react to his abuse with upset and anger, quite naturally as anyone would. It is NOT just our dynamic - it is not even our dynamic - he's an abuser. Plain and simple.

That really irked me.

She has a son who is abusive and controlling of HER. He now lives with her. She is in denial that he could be an abuser. So I think she's projecting her denial onto ME and onto my relationship.

I told her - please don't deny me of the fact that I have been abused. I got angry with her. I felt invalidated.

It's all too common. It's likely triggering her (if she feels she can't cope with her son...and maybe feels she should be able to?)
I had this struggle. People won't always accept that you have been betrayed and violated... it's "too real"
The fact is, that maybe it WAS a dynamic...but you aren't participating in that, now that you know what you know. You want to change that dynamic, and he is trying to keep it going.
It is sooo hard to get away from this kind of abuse

Helped reading this. My divorce was my ex husband's last controlling action towards me. He lied about the reasons, and it really hurt.
I would have petitioned myself if I'd had better info/advice at the time, but just managed to keep from being robbed by him.
It helped me to think that HE didn't really MARRY me, if you know what I mean.
I think in cases of abuse a marriage should be annulled. Scam artists

Thanks, and yes, I am sure it is triggering her. Her son is abusive; I can identify it through his behaviors, but she is in denial and cannot identify it. She thinks it's just their dynamic together. She partially blames herself for his bad behaviors.

He has almost punched her on more than one occasion, raising and clenching his fist at her and intimidating her. He is very controlling of her own home space, acting like a little dictator, demanding how she run her own home. So he's almost been physically abusive and is very controlling. She refuses to see that this is actually abusive behavior.

The dynamic between my husband is that he is abusive towards me, and I react to his abuse. That's the dynamic. And now I am exiting from the abuse.