I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

"When an abusive person is nice, he persuades himself that the other person is the one with a problem because after all, “Look how kind and generous I am.”

"In reality, the periods of kindness, are simply a different approach to control and manipulation. These periods give illusions of change, but are nothing more than covert strategies to maintain the upper hand in the relationship, set the stage for further control, and keep everyone involved stuck in a state of distraction....

Victims of abuse have a hard time holding on to the reality of the relationship when there are good periods. This inconsistent reinforcement manipulates victims into waiting for these good periods to reappear in the future. Victims’ longing for the good times is a powerful force for staying in the relationship. This is how a trauma bond is formed.

What the abuser experiences, based on the victim’s responses over time, is a burgeoning reinforcement of his entitlement to his collection of comforts and privileges (Bancroft, 2002).

It is hard to change this dynamic because victims often are so beaten down emotionally that all they have to hold on to are the times when he is nice, no matter how fleeting. And as she is holding on to her fantasy (that some day all will be well,) he is holding on to his (increased power and control.)

If this is where you are, it is important for you to realize that in order to recover from an abusive relationship, you must give up the illusions that he is changed just because there are calm or nice periods. because these thoughts keep you trapped and increase your feelings of helplessness and disappointment when he returns to his “old ways.”

When Your Abuser is Nice

Given the article excerpt above, I am not going to allow myself to be "hooked" by his periods of loving behavior. I am maintaining a realistic perspective on the relationship: sure, he can be loving, generous, kind and sweet to me, but he is also abusive, controlling, demeaning and insulting towards me.

I cannot take the two polar extremes coupled together. I want the persistence of loving behaviors. I want consistency. I want to always feel loved and cherished, not just periodically when he feels like it. I want to be able to trust my partner, fully.

I do not trust him, and there is NO consistency. It's a roller coaster ride.

Just Sat night he was insulting towards me with his backhanded insults. Then on Sunday, he was the complete opposite. All loving behaviors.

I have to keep reminding myself that this person is one and the same person... and that his loving acts are simply a manipulation to keep me under his thumb.

Have you found any distraction by now, Have Hope?

This topic is almost 19 pages long and I can tell by reading your posts that your feelings are tearing you apart. I think a distraction could help you catch a breath and distance yourself from this sh ... t.

It's very, very important not to become obsessed with the struggle, because such state of mind is way to close to something much worse.

Best of luck to you.

@MisterPaul, it's very difficult to find distractions when living under the same roof as my husband day in and day out, when he texts me throughout the day, and when there's a pandemic and I am more isolated than ever from friends.

My only distractions are movies/TV and my job search.

I am trying to reach out to various friends to let them know what's going on and to get support. I also am trying to get out of my current isolated state by asking certain girlfriends to include me the next time they get together. I really hope they do.

It's really hard for me not to obsess when my whole world is soon to fall apart and when I don't know what to do or how to feel from one moment to the next.

I wish I could distract myself, but it's nearly impossible. The weight of all my problems is far too heavy.

And yes, this is tearing me apart.

This thread will stay alive as long as I am still married and dealing with this crap.

A little progress can be a pure gold compared to no progress.

It's good, a decent TV show can steal your thoughts for some time. Yeah, it may sound silly but I believe few bright moments coming out of enjoying a good story in this situation may actually give you more than you think. I'd suggest you go for it. Allow yourself to let go and focus more on the plot or characters or find even more great shows, plenty of them around. It won't hurt you, that's for sure!

For as long as it helps you I'm on your side.

Thanks @MisterPaul. I greatly appreciate that.

Since you posted about distractions, I am now watching this season's Bachelorette. LOL. It's something I used to watch religiously, and being the die hard romantic that I am, I love this show. It's also showing me what a true gentleman looks like, unlike my husband.

So, yeah, I am trying now to distract myself. I thank you for reminding me of this, and for helping me to do so.

I'm glad, that's great! Speaking about true gentleman - how about James Bond? A little tribute to Sean Connery's legacy would be great and he was quite a guy, so.. up to you ofc

Haha, I love a bit of detective mystery. I don't get the impression you're obsessing too much @HaveHope . It's a really complicated issue that will take a lot of reflection to process, and you're clearly making progress! Thank you for the reminder about intermittent reinforcement. Consistency does show that the interest is genuine. I have been around men, and questioned the nature of their interest, and it had often come out that it is purely self interest. They've shown themselves to be untrustworthy, and immature. Actions do speak louder than words! I get the point @MisterPaul about having a distraction, and would say it's good to have a pastime or a project that is purely for yourself, and for your own interest and enjoyment, then no matter what else is going on, you have that to go and focus on

Thank you @KBMK. I appreciate your words of support. Yes, it's a lot for me to process. There's also the emotional attachment I still have to him that I am working on releasing. It's a process for sure. Extricating oneself from a relationship - let alone a marriage - can take time, reflection and a lot of processing.

And yes, actions DO speak far louder than words. Consistency in actions is KEY.

@MisterPaul, apparently Sean Connery is a proponent of wife beating.

I used to enjoy the older James Bond movies, but not a fan since I was a kid.

And yes, the distractions DO help!

Ah sh...t, I didn't know. He seemed like a nice guy

@MisterPaul, I know, right? I've loved him as an actor, but learning that about him certainly changes the landscape and my viewpoint. What an a-hole.

I am still trying to understand the concept of trauma bonding. But I am pretty certain I am not trauma bonded to my husband.

"Trauma bonding is a bond that develops when two people undergo intense, risky emotional experiences together. In the context of an abusive relationship, this bond is strengthened due to the heightened intimacy and danger. Similar to the way Stockholm Syndrome manifests, the abuse victim bonds with his or her abuser as both the source of terror and comfort in an attempt to survive the tumultuous relationship. As a result, abuse victims feel a misplaced, unshakeable sense of loyalty and devotion to their abusers, which to an outsider may appear nonsensical."

“Those standing outside see the obvious. All these relationships are about some insane loyalty or attachment. They share exploitation, fear, and danger. They also have elements of kindness, nobility, and righteousness. These are all people who stay involved or wish to stay involved with people who betray them. Emotional pain, severe consequences and even the prospect of death do not stop their caring or commitment. Clinicians call this traumatic bonding. This means that the victims have a certain dysfunctional attachment that occurs in the presence of danger, shame or exploitation. There often is seduction, deception or betrayal. There is always some form of danger or risk.”

Narcissists Use Trauma Bonding and Intermittent Reinforcement To Get You Addicted To Them: Why Abuse Survivors Stay

I am not committed to my husband anymore. I don't seek his approval, nor do I have any attachment to working hard myself to bring back the good times. I don't blame myself for his problem. I don't blame myself for his abuse. I also don't feel loyalty towards him: I am committed to leaving him and to divorcing him.

Trauma bonding, though still hard for me to fully grasp, seems to occur when the abuse victim works hard at keeping the abuse at bay, and when the abuse victim works hard at pleasing the abuser, despite the fact that there IS no pleasing an abuser.

I am doing nothing of the kind. I could care less about HIS approval of me -- and if the times between us are all bad, then I have even more justification over leaving him ASAP. It's all a matter of observation now. Stepping back, trying to emotionally distance myself, keeping my balance and grounding.

Dammit. I’m with him and I don’t want to be. This is making me crazy.

I am beside myself. I wish I had another option or way out OTHER than waiting for a job to come along. I thought about taking out my 401K and asking him to leave, but it's far too risky. I need a job.... I am SO stuck, and I hate feeling this way!!!

When you cash out your 401k you have to pay high tax on it. You lose a ton of your money. If you are in danger then who cares about money but if you aren’t in danger, withdrawing 401k is not advisable

Focus on job search. Perhaps any job at this point

I think in my state though the tax on a 401K is far lower through the end of this year. A friend told me this. I want to look into it since I am desperate, but even so, I don't think this is really the best way for me to go right now.

Oh it might be lower due to covid. You should look into it

Yes, I think I will!

Good idea! I remember you saying you were focused on your health now, or something similar. It might not be such a bad thing to become a bit less secure financially, so that you can get more secure in yourself... it's a lot of difficult decisions.

Do you think your husband will move out when you ask him too, or will you be able to get this to happen?

I'm not focused on my health at all, lol.... I can't be when I have so many other pressing issues.

I have NO idea if my husband would move out. My argument for him moving vs me is that I own all the furniture and would take it all with me if I moved out, which would empty the apartment entirely. He has no money to furnish the apartment himself.

I'm going to speak with my therapist about my 401K idea on Thurs too to see what he thinks.

I feel defeated and hopeless.

I have GOT to find a better solution. I just have to. I cannot endure this much longer.

Abuse is never a good thing, and should not be tolerated. If you are making the point and he just isnt listening i think you should try marriage counselling. You have to let him know your serious and partake in things he would agree with but its for the best. Do not call it quits yet, if it (The marriage) is worth something. Think about everything surrounding this partnership, and take decisive action. All the best.

He is ridiculous.

There is some very inexpensive furniture out there. IKEA? *****art? Salvation Army has furniture. How do other people live? How do they manage?

He can get a second job. He tries to live French champagne life style on cheap beer budget.

Oh, but he is above Salvation Army and Ikea. He's a spoiled brat and needs nicer furniture - not used furniture or stuff you have to put together.

Remember -- he wanted me to spend at least 2K on a new couch!

He won't want to furnish the entire apt himself if I left. I am 80% certain of this. He has minimal credit given his bankruptcy.