I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

I don't think he can. Both our names are on the lease. I've paid rent every month on time every month.

I cannot take out my 401K given that the account does not qualify for the CARES Act, AND that the money can ONLY be allocated annually, not in a lump sum. I am screwed.

I'm going to take out a bank loan and will ask him to leave. This is my new plan.

Where would he go? He might need time to find where to go . He’d need a minimum of 30 days

I called the police station to find out what happened that night according to the records. My husband claims that I "assaulted" him because I tried to grab his phone from his pocket. He also claimed that the police told him he could press charges because of that, and have me arrested. He claims that he said "No, she is drunk. Let her sleep it off".

The police told me there is NO record of this. That there is NO record of police telling him he could charge me with assault OR have me arrested.

Therefore, my husband lied about THIS TOO.

I told him tonight that I want a divorce, that he lied and that I want him out of the apartment ASAP.

What was his reaction? Are you safe?

He is protesting and is trying to tell me something different than what the police just read to me from the report. He is lying out of his teeth right now.

If I am not safe, I will call the police again and will get a restraining order.

He said he is blind sided but wants us to be kind to each other. I don't believe him one inch. He says be has a lawyer.. for free. No need for me to get a lawyer, he said. BS. I told him I want out of the car lease. He said he will ask his brother to co-sign. I do NOT trust him.

Really sorry for what you are going through. I don't know if it's the right thing to say, but at least you know the distrust isn't YOUR issue. I hope you are safe? I also hope you can get him away from you. He really has proved how untrustworthy he is... horrible way to find out

Thank you,

He's crying (sobbing) and moping right now. We've talked it through. He claims he wants an amicable ending.

Amicable ending is always the best.

On a subject of moping...My ex significant other was not abusive but he drank, it does not fit my life style. Wouldn’t do like a proper kind of ending to his drinking like getting proper help so he kept relapsing every time he quit.

When I left he was crying and sobbing. It was amicable but he was in hysterics the entire time. He moped so much he ended up in a hospital with a heart attack. Yup. Of course I felt guilty like I caused it (I didn’t). Then he was crying and sobbing for a long time after begging me to come back.

It was 6.5 years ago. I’ve been with my now husband for 5.5 years, married for 4.5. To my knowledge (From other people) my exSO still drinks. I am surprised he is still alive.

Crying and moping means nothing. If I stayed, he’d be still drinking. And I’d be much older. Don’t let him make you feel guilty (although I sure now how it feels)

Im so sorry you are going through this! This is terrible. So ugly when the police are involved. I know how you feel. I've been through it. It sounds like deep down he knows this is bad for the both of you. I'm so sorry. I k ow it's tough all this going on with no job but it might be for the best you get this settled. I almost lost my job because they got tired of me taking time off to go to court. Everything will be a compromise. You guys just have to agree to move forward.

English is my second language, narc-ish is my first language.

Amicable - I do not want to lose my supply, let's try to cool things down and then I'll get my toy back.

I'd expect to see the man's breakdown inside of a week. Eyes filled with tears and understanding, soul speaking run by deepest regret... an honest, broken man who now sees your real value... a truly Oscar-deserving performance.

You are likely right. He first suggests amicable divorce. Which is a good idea.

But then when you are all softened up, he suggests you don’t get your own lawyer but use his. Sneaky

Thank you @divine1966, @MisterPaul, and @guy1111.

I am now terrified. I have NO job, and now the cat is out of the bag. But honestly? I just couldn't keep up the facade any longer - not after he was once again rude to me yesterday morning, and not after fighting about it - yet again.

I woke up and he has already left for work, so I couldn't talk to him.

I had to ask him via text this morning to continue paying my health insurance right now until I can figure our a plan.

I also asked for the name and number of his lawyer and told him I may want my own lawyer. I said it doesn't make sense to just use his lawyer.

I do think it's a bit fishy of him to suggest. Plus, when he spoke with his lawyer last night, he went outside where I could not hear the conversation.

He has not replied to any of this yet.

I am sure that he will put on a performance within a matter of days. I am sure he will try to get me to change my mind.

Until you are legally divorced, you will remain on his health insurance. Just because you expressed desire to divorce it doesn’t mean you are not married or he can take you off his insurance.

It’s important to see a lawyer to make sure he doesn’t pull anything fishy like stopping paying for things

Agreed. I didn't immediately suspect fishiness, and it took a while for me to become suspicious. That just goes to show how good he is at manipulation. Perhaps he even had this plan going all along (secretly).

And I need a guaranteed timeframe for when he will get a new co-signer for his car lease. He said he asked his brother to co-sign, but I want this in the legal separation agreement as well.

He just called me. Told me I am "throwing him away". He is pissed off that I want him to continue paying for my health insurance. He is pissed that I want my own lawyer. He is pissed that I am asking him to find another co-signer for his car lease that I co-signed. He says he could find another place to live within three weeks.

All is happening SO fast, my head is spinning. IF he leaves in 3 weeks, how the hell can I afford my apartment rent? The whole of it without him here and without a job?

I cannot take out my 401K, I learned.

Maybe a bank loan will be necessary again -- for emergency relief purposes. I don't know what the hell to do. I wish I could go live with my parents again. This blows.

I just had to pull the trigger. I have NO patience... But I could not keep up the facade anymore. We fought yesterday because he was rude to me saying goodbye in the morning - and that was the last straw for me.

He practically bullied me on the phone just now.... he's pressuring me to create a list of all the apartment items that are mine and his. He is pressuring me to do this TODAY.

I just told him I will not do ANYTHING until he gives me the name and number of his lawyer, AND until I speak with my own lawyer (which I do not have right now).

I am talking to the abuse center intake coordinator today. My therapist said these abuse centers will give you a lawyer for free.

He's bullying me, and I am physically shaking from it right now. My PTSD is once again triggered by him.

It’s very hard to sacrifice the security of the relationship even when you both know it’s likely irreparably damaged.

Yes, that is hard to do, but what was far harder for me was putting on a facade of loving him and of wanting him in my life. I could no longer carry that facade. I cracked and I told him the truth last night, i.e, that I want a divorce.

He was SO nasty to me yesterday, that it was the last and final straw for me.

Now our whole world has been blown up and blown to bits.

There is zero need to list any kind of items in the apartment. No one filed for divorce or separation. It’s not how it works. He cannot be not paying for insurance. He can only take you off when divorce is official and there is change of circumstance.. He cannot stop paying, isn’t it just taken automatically from his pay check?

None of this works this way. Just because people verbally said they want to divorce, it doesn’t mean they start taking each off the accounts or go through items or even kicking anyone out

Honestly 3 weeks is not a reasonable time to leave. It takes a minute to find a place to go and legally speaking no one is required to leave now. If I was divorcing (hypothetically speaking, not the case at all) one of us would move into a guest bedroom and we will continue until one of us or both of us find a place to move. It would not happen in 3 weeks. If the situation is unsafe, then it’s wise to move out immediately to a shelter or friends house or parents. If it’s not dangerous both stay put until moving is realistic

You literally do not have to do anything for him. I know it's hard, and might be impossible, but try to shrug it off. You obviously haven't "thrown" anything away. On the day I left my ex, I was stuck in the car with him for half an hour, and I was told that nobody would ever love me, I had to give him money (that I didn't even have yet) if he was going to agree to a divorce (I hadn't even talked about divorce. Was literally moving out). He WILL try and convince you that you're worse off without him.
Maybe listen if he gives you all kinds of detailed reasons why he wants YOU to stay with him, or why he feels your relationship is worth saving. That's what someone that really cared would do. I do feel for you. It makes me really angry that some people are so deceptive and exploitative

His lawyer requested the itemized list of our furniture that is to be separated and split up. It's part of the separation agreement.

I agree that 3 weeks is not reasonable. He has to save a lot of money in order to move out. That could take 3-4 months.

He argued with me over the health insurance. He got angry, yet he was the one offering last night to continue paying for it. then today it was a very different tune from him.

Thank you.

I am angry myself. He cannot bully me into doing this list today, when I have other important matters, like finding a lawyer for myself that is reasonably priced.