I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

OMG @Have Hope! Maybe its my mental state due to my recent loss or whatever but my blood pressure immediately shot up and I literally just said out loud, "what an asshole".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope He managed to slip in two backhanded insults tonight. He was trying to refrain from telling me what to do, so he said "I'll just sit back and will watch the festivities", insinuating that I was doing something the wrong way and he was getting entertained by it. Then when I wanted to grab something and reached over while he was petting the cat, he said "mommy doesn't want me to pet you because she wants her food", insinuating I am selfish and callous because my food comes first before the cat. Now his abuse has turned into backhanded subtle insults. My new therapist tells me to not give him any credibility. His words have no credibility. I called him out on the cat comment... actually on both. And once again he says "i was just kidding. I can't say anything right." So I said "not when you insult me in various different ways". CAN I PLEASE GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW??????????

@sarahsweets, I know, right????? Grrrrrrrr.

It's really hard not to internalise negative comments, especially when you're living with this! Good job reaching out to friends, and sharing what you've been going through. That must have been really hard to do! I hope you can get out of this soon, and get on with your life without the nastiness... it's really inspiring how much you are overcoming

It sure is hard to not internalize. I am trying hard not to let these comments tear me down or harm me. I have to keep realizing that it's HIS insecurities talking... it's not about ME, it's all about HIM and his need to feel powerful over me, in the right and better than me... which comes down to insecurity.

If I continue to see it this way, he really can't hurt me. I can't wait to talk about this last incident in therapy.

And thank you...

Absolutely! It might help if you come up with a script ahead of time, so you know how to respond when you're caught off guard.. and in a very unaffected and neutral way.. not reactive, not petty, and very minimal, that gives him a message that you're not at all affected.

Like what would you suggest? I always call him out and tell him he’s being rude or insulting.

The only time I recommend to not confront people and not let them know they are being rude is if you are in danger and aren’t safe if you speak up or if you plan on leaving anyways and just buying your time.

Other than that I don’t believe it’s healthy to rehearse anything you plan on saying to ones husband. That’s not a healthy relationship.

If I say something hurtful, I prefer my husband tells me (politely) that I hurt his feelings rather than pretend he isn’t affected and give me rehearsed speech. It’s not a normal behavior in a committed relationship. People should be vulnerable and naturally comfortable in a commited relationship. Otherwise it’s a battle field and a game, not marriage

I agree with you but this is a toxic relationship and is far from normal. So it requires strategic thinking and self defense.

This isn't a healthy relationship where sharing our feelings would be appropriate. This is an abusive marriage in which you are working on leaving.

I can't tell you what to say. What I've adopted is to say, "Keep it positive.".. and walk away. Disengage in the mind games.

He knows what he's doing. He's purposely trying to provoke you and get this negative attention. Don't give it to him.

I know you didn't like being told to go grey rock...I think it's a pretty nifty strategy, and if your hubby responds by becoming more distant from you, it could be a good thing in this situation. I would use phrases like "I can't agree with that.", "Nnnnhmmm, nothing like that." Just very low key, non confrontation language. And for good stuff "that's what I like to hear/see". I know it's a bit creepy, but if you make everything about the situation and yourself, and have no comment on him personally, whatsoever, it's likely to reduce conflict. He is likely to become more interested in gaining your attention and approval by decent means, if he gets no stimulation from nasty behaviour. Exhausting any which way round though, I can imagine

Agreed totally IF you 100% leaving. You should be strategic in your responses. If you are unsure or decide to stay, then it’s a different story.

Sadly many people spend their whole life playing games and being strategic with their spouses. I don’t wish you live like this. Hopefully it will be over soon

What I don't like about grey rock method is if he turns his attention away from me, he may stray. I know that this sounds contradictory on my end, but I really couldn't handle someone else cheating on me, even emotionally. I don't trust him, and I don't trust that he wouldn't go seeking attention elsewhere.

The only thing I know to do is to protest and tell him the comment was insulting, without showing my emotions.

Thanks. I know I do have moments when I question myself and feel like things could be Ok between us. But that's when he's being nice and loving towards me. I cannot take it when he's rude, mean and insulting... and that's enough for me to be certain I must leave him. He cannot help himself. And those down times are bad enough to make me leave.

I also know that as soon as I get employment, I can get the ball rolling and will feel a whole lot better.

And that's what bothers me the most - is that it's deliberate. Then he explains it away by saying he was only joking, which gets him off the hook for taking any real responsibility for what he's said. It drives me nuts.

Agreed. Then he can say “you are always angry and negative”.

I use grey rocking with my dad. I give no reaction. He lost his interest in trying to provoke because I ignore it. My dad likes to ask loaded questions designed to provoke argument, sometimes I say “I don’t know” or play dumb “what do you mean?”. Then he stops nasty comments or questions. I don’t get provoked. It actually has been a long time since he said anything obnoxious because I never react anymore. I complained to my former therapist about things he says. She said “don’t let it bother you or ruin your day, keep interaction to a minimum and just go about your business.”

It’s 100% deliberate. Or he has such deep seated anger that he just has to release it and takes it out on you

He isn’t joking. Sarcasm or back handed comments are not the same as joking

Oh, he definitely has deep seated anger. He is angry he lost his inheritance and all his family's wealth, he's angry he has physical problems and pain, He's angry at his vocation, and he's angry he lost his brother. The world owes him, is how he feels. And yes, he's not joking at all. But he plays it off as though he is, which just makes me angrier.

It's hard for me not to react.

Ignoring is infuriating. I only know this because it’s my strategy on social media. On my personal page I have friends. I have lost friends when they argue with me because it’s my personal page and my views are obvious so their arguing isn’t meant for anything other than creating drama. Only one time did I react and it was like I became a moderator on my own page. Those people were unfriended or deleted. If I have a problem with someone I never angry text I call them. If after that I still must deal with them then I also ignore all of the the bait. It’s easy for me to say this because I’m not going through what you are. Advice is easy to give but harder to take for sure. I don’t know what I would do if it was my husband so I want to #validate your experience.

Thanks @sarahsweets. I do feel validated.

It’s just SO hard. I’m reactive naturally so it’s that much harder for me to contain a response. And if he’s demeaning? I don’t want him to think he can get away with it.

I’m watching the First Wives Club, it’s making me depressed about the prospect of divorce at age 50. I’m going to have a lonely hard life ahead, on top of an already tough life. I’m scared. This doesn’t mean I’m backing down, I just think it’s going to be really hard for me to be 50 and single.

What’s also hard is to not feed into all his overtures of love. He’s been very loving and sweet all day. He bought me fresh flowers. We had a nice day together. This also makes it harder to pull away. But then the moment he’s mean or out of line again, I’m ready to divorce him. The push pull nature of our relationship is crazy making and confusing.

It really sucks. It's so confusing having to deal with this stuff, and the thing with grey rock is that you are shutting down your natural emotional reaction, and still get that gut reaction, so it's not healthy or sustainable for much time. Go easy on yourself

Thank you... it sure is confusing. How can he be so loving and so awful too?

I can’t let myself get trapped.

I don’t think I can even do grey rock. I have knee jerk reactions of anger when he’s mean. I’d have trouble holding back.

Yeah, I get that. I couldn't contain my emotions with my ex until I really had moved on mentally, and even then there was still a lot of doubt. I wouldn't like to make any assumptions about why your husband acts the way he does, but it does seem that he is acting in ways to get attention (good or bad), approval and affection. It's not like he's a monster. He obviously wants a lot of the same things we all want, like love and affection, but if he can't accept responsibility, and isn't interested in resolving conflict, then you get the hostility every time conflict arises...it can't be avoided, unfortunately

I've fallen for a narcissistic man since I've been divorced too, but managed better boundaries, and he lost interest...not much closure there, either, but it was a learning experience. It's easy to get hooked on a certain level of tension and affection, and playfulness, but if there isn't any conflict resolution, only mind games...I don't believe that is really loving at all. It really prevents real intimacy, and ultimately breaks the relationship unless they're allowed to pull the strings. It's really hard to say goodbye without closure, and be made out to be the bad guy. Not nice at all, but it IS better than being stuck going round in circles!

@KBMK,

Thank you.

Yeah, he doesn't know how to resolve conflict, so it's never really resolved. He excuses and minimizes his actions, so it's harder for me to feel resolved about it.

He used to be a monster when he was yelling at me a lot. I think I even called him that once. When we first married, he was at his absolute worst. I think we fought at least once every week. I was going to leave him then, but I didn't have any money after I spent it all on the honeymoon. I paid for our whole honeymoon... not him.

I am not emotionally detached yet - not mentally either. When he's loving, I feed into it a. bit... like last night he snuggled close with me all night, and I enjoyed it. And yesterday he was sweet and loving and bought me flowers, and I enjoyed that too.

I read an article last night that said the abuser knows what he's doing - both the good and the bad. The abuser will reel you in with their loving behavior in order to maintain control and to keep you there. Then they're mean again to put you in your place, so to speak. It's a maddening cycle.