I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Awesome about applications! Way to go.

Thank you!

My new therapist wants me to track how I feel every morning when I wake up. This seems to me like a good exercise for an eating disorder. I've never been treated for it, and I've rarely, if ever, have asked for help with it. But yeah, it's complex and amazingly difficult to overcome.

And I get what you're saying.... my husband certainly is nowhere near that light. He has years to go, and a LOT of admitting to do, which he will never accomplish.

Thanks!

You can do it!

Thanks so much!

I actually think I may change therapists before my next session. I left a message with a new one to see if he is taking clients.

My new therapist also practically poo-pooed my own personal blog, as though it's meaningless and insignificant. He instead pointed to his own expertise on the same exact topic area, telling me he has studied the topic for 30 years.

This is a put down in my opinion. He was putting down my own blog and was boasting of HIS experience, insinuating that his is superior to my own opinions on this very topic.

Then, because I was reactive to another lie I thought my husband had told to the police and because my knee jerk reaction to him was "I am divorcing you!", my new therapist says to not make any rash decisions and to hold off on any such rash decisions until I have spoken with him. What is he.... ? GOD? Is this a narcissist therapist I have now run across?????

ARGH!

Urghhhh, sounds like a good call! I'm in the habit of correcting my therapist when he says things like "you want to...". It's just a bad habit on his part, I think...like saying what he thinks I'm getting at.
He said "you don't want to make any big decisions" one time. I said "No, I don't want to make any decisions for the wrong reasons."
I don't know how he can judge your decisions to be rash. You have a life to live, and there is no way for him to know how much thought and consideration has gone into any decision you make. I do think, if he can't support you in every decision you make, unless it's something directly putting you at high risk of harm, then he just is not a good therapist! Does sound a bit narcy to me!
I really like my current therapist, but am going to try and start working with a female therapist for complicated reasons. Shopped about quite a bit, and since it's online at the minute anyway, got in touch with someone not so local to me. I used the directory on Psychology Today, where you can search by distance and issues. I don't know if you have that service in US...could be worth shopping about/testing the waters with different therapists so you find someone that really gets what you're dealing with

Ha, Psychology Today is how I found my new therapist AND one I just contacted to see if he has any openings.

I may open up my search to be wider than just within my state though.

I just am not getting great responses so far from my new therapist other than the acknowledgement that I've had a hard life, with so much abuse and whatnot.

I don't like that he put down my personal blog - not one bit!

And I don't like having to frequently correct a therapist. This is the second time I will have to confront him on something I did not appreciate - and that is all within just three measly sessions!

i am glad you are finding a good therapist for yourself - it's SO critical for proper healing, guidance and for positive mental health.

This isn't about my husband (this post), but about my new therapist. I am quite angry. I cannot believe he downplayed and dismissed my own personal blog in favor of HIS opinions on the same topic - as though my experience is null and void and his experience and knowledge surpasses my own on this topic.

So do I stop seeing him because this is the second time I will have to confront him on something I didn't like or appreciate him saying? Is he possibly a narcissist himself?

I just don't know how helpful he can really be since he hasn't been all that helpful in the three sessions I have had. He told me that the next time my husband puts me down through a so-called "joke" of his, to tell him "oh, you're so silly!". Isn't that playing into his "joking" and allowing the disrespect?

I also don't know if he realizes or sees that I am in a crisis, and therefore need crisis intervention and support through this time. He's addressing my eating disorder, but not the fact that I am still in an abusive relationship.

For example, his initial advice on leaving my husband? His advice entailed getting a job first, and then waiting out the 90-day probationary period BEFORE I face my husband with a divorce. WTF? Really????? THREE MORE MONTHS AFTER I GET A JOB??? I cannot emotionally exist in this relationship one single day longer than necessary... does he not realize that this is an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP and that it takes a toll on a person? I feel like he's really off.

Then, he tells me instead of having a knee jerk reaction to the insults/abuse next time it happens, to NOT mention divorce and to wait until I speak with HIM (the therapist) before I make any decisions. I don't know how I feel about this advice. How helpful is that, really?

I could return to my former therapist for the time being - he told me he will keep his door open for me...

so, should I drop this new therapist, like right now?

Is this an example of me not trusting my own gut reactions and feelings? My gut tells me to leave this therapist and my gut reaction is something is off about him and his advice.

No. Maybe the two of you could talk it through, see if there is a common ground for both of you somewhere? A discard based on assumption is very unhealthy, not to mention labeling a person you've seen three times in your life as narcissist. I mean, come on! You can't diagnose random people like that, your point of view is distorted because of an abuse.

If you don’t find this therapist helpful then there is no reason to keep seeing him. Just stop seeing him. Why did you stop seeing the other one?

When a therapist puts you down, however, in favor of his own "expertise" on a particular topic, does that not point to something being OFF?

A therapist should never put down their client, first of all, and secondly, what is that? My expertise on this topic doesn't matter and is null and void simply because he's a therapist? What is that? Sure seems like narcissism to me.

It's been three sessions, and so far he's given me bad advice and has pissed me off twice.

I stopped seeing the former one because I was educating him on abuse tactics. He is not that experienced in abusive relationships, and I wanted someone who is experienced in abuse to truly be able to help me deal with it and extricate myself from the marriage.

Do what you feel! It really doesn't matter if he's a bad therapist or a Narcissist, if you don't like him, don't keep spending money on him! Said with all due respect I agree @MisterPaul that it's not healthy to be remote diagnosing people, but it is healthy to distance and guard yourself against people who are happy to put you down! It's really your personal choice, and you don't have to feel bad for moving on. It's not like you're married to the therapist. I think it would be fine for you to find another therapist that you like, then just let your current therapist know you are moving on. They could ask you why, if they wanted to, but you don't have to tell him anything you don't want to tell him

Thanks for your post and thoughts.

I'm curious to know: why is it unhealthy to think he may be a narcissist?

I am trying to identify narcissism more quickly. I am trying to pay attention to red flags and warning signs. Him putting down my blog in favor of his own expertise certainly smells like narcissism to me. According to him, his expertise clearly surpasses my own expertise, and he hasn't even seen my blog.

I don't see how it's even remotely unhealthy to pay attention to red flags. In fact, I see it as being very healthy.. quite the opposite, respectfully speaking.

And I am not diagnosing him. I am seeing a red flag that points to possible narcissism.

And when I told him I had written over 50 articles on my blog? His facial expression was very dismissive of that - his expression read of "whatever" - like no big deal and like who cares? Rather than being impressed by it and congratulating me for my hard work, he completely dismissed it. I don't take kindly to people who are critical and dismissive of work that I am very proud of.

It's just my opinion...you could spend a lot of time focused on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, looking for signs in people (why not, if that's something you're passionate about), but you have a life to live, and I do think it is healthier to focus on your own wellbeing, and what life has to offer you.
I also think that you have really good reasons why a relationship might not work for YOU, and it's perfectly valid to not want to have a relationship with someone that puts you down, whether or not they have a personality disorder. You could stay with your therapist, and believe everything he tells you if you wanted to. It's really your decision at the end of the day, and everyone's entitled to their opinion

You're not getting me, or you've missed some important points about my history with men.

I am interested in learning about NPD because 6/8 abusive relationships have been with an abusive narcissist, and my father is one. Clearly, I have a problem getting involved with abusive and malignant narcissists. I have to be able to learn how to identify NPD before I get involved with a narcissist again and this includes friendships and therapists - this is a healthy endeavor for myself.

I will drop this therapist. My gut tells me that something is OFF and I will trust my gut.

I'd rather hear from members here to trust in my gut reactions. This is what I need to start being better at. Listening to myself. This is how I've gotten into trouble in relationships... is not listening to that initial gut reaction that tells me something is wrong or OFF.

Agreed. I don't like that he put down my blog, something that I put a lot of effort into.

I don't need that in a therapist.

I just canceled with the new therapist and called my old therapist to schedule an appt for next week.

Now what I do is I end up questioning my own decisions that are based on gut reactions. I have to stick with my gut on this one and feel a sense of conviction and resolution.

Good call 🙂 it takes practice to trust your feelings. Was it OK cancelling?

I don’t think it matters if he is a narcissist or just ill suited therapist for you. If it’s not working, it’s not working. Also it’s important to remember that showing narcissistic tendencies isn’t the same as having NPD, which is a formally diagnosed personality disorder. People might have obsessive tendencies but not necessarily have OCD or OCPD.

I think they are all trained in regards to abuse in whatever shape or form. They might just use different ways to go about it. This one might be a bad fit

I see you cancelled with this one. Good.

It does take practice! And I need practice!

I feel slightly guilty for canceling for some reason. Weird. Perhaps it's because I am not used to taking care of my own needs, when I need to start putting my own needs first.

Thanks... yes, good call with this one.

I don't know if they're all trained in abuse. My last therapist doesn't seem to be educated on abuse tactics.