I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

I am sure they all know about abuse tactics. Lots of it is common knowledge. It’s just might not be the very focus of their practice. Or some just suck as therapists

Some definitely suck as therapists. I have yet to find someone who can truly help me break my patterns. Or maybe I haven't had enough therapy consistently with one therapist. That could be the case too.

No reason to feel guilty, but I get that feeling. I know that I feel guilt and shame around putting my needs first. I can connect that to my mother always putting her needs before mine. So for me it was a case of not being used to putting my needs first, but also having a misconception that it was cruel for me to put my needs first.
I think it is important in adult relationships to take care and responsibility for your own needs and feelings. Not easy to do

Absolutely and thank you.

I can relate.

My father is a narcissist so I am used to his needs coming first (and all men's needs for that matter), and my needs coming last or not even being considered at all.

I have neglected myself for years.... YEARS.

So yeah, the guilt comes from finally putting my own needs first, and not being used to doing that.

Big hugs, thanks, and congrats

Think it's something you could get used to?

Thanks!

And yes, I believe I can get used to this new side of myself... I think I'll even embrace it and will love it.

Good job being so insightful.

Thank you. I'm trying.

Vent:

I am SO sick of abused women on Facebook telling me to go to a women's shelter!!!!!!!

They do not listen to me when I say I will lose everything I own! They do not listen when I say I have another plan!!!

I am SO frustrated with these women!!!

This is what is happening right now in my marriage - he is love bombing me. Things have been smooth lately because he's in the love bombing/manipulation stage of abuse right now.

Shelter is an option when you are in danger. If you aren’t, why go to shelter? Strange people

I know.... it's a step to take in the most desperate situations. I am desperate for certain, but I am not in any danger.

IF he ever hit me, then I would seek an alternative, and quickly. IF I had kids that were being abused and/or influenced negatively by my abuser, I would certainly go. I don't have kids, and I am not being hit by him.

These women on these abuse forums project A LOT of their own personal issues. They assume that I am experiencing exactly what they've experienced. It's very frustrating.

I don't think it's really that strange. They've been traumatised, and they didn't necessarily think they were in danger, until they were in danger. It can happen to anyone.

It's helped me reading your posts @HaveHope. You're dealing with things way better than I did when I was suffering abuse. Good to get your strength up, and keep your things.

I still do pray for your safety, because I know how quickly it can flip with someone like that.

Thanks @KBMK.

I am working on strengthening myself as much as possible through this. A close girlfriend advised me to do so (whom also left an abusive marriage, but after 20 years of abuse). She said she strengthened herself as much as possible in order to leave him in a position of mental and emotional strength. So that is what I am doing.

I pray for my safety too -- thank you.

I am validating Have Hope because she’s been hearing all kind of things from those Facebook people. Some of those things were rather questionable. I don’t know those other people. Yes perhaps they have reasons in telling her do this or that but I didn’t think it was the point of her post. She is upset and feels they are projecting. That’s about it

You’ll always find people who’ll project and tell you do this or that. I bet you’ll find people who’ll tell you that it’s your duty to forgive and stay in abusive marriage. You’ll meet all kinds. You will do what’s right for you

Thanks for the validation!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope This isn't about my husband (this post), but about my new therapist. I am quite angry. I cannot believe he downplayed and dismissed my own personal blog in favor of HIS opinions on the same topic - as though my experience is null and void and his experience and knowledge surpasses my own on this topic.

I may have missed this but why was he reading your blog? What was his point in reading your blog? Do you think he thought you were asking for critiques or feedback about your blog? Did you or he suggest reading your blog?

Quote:

I also don't know if he realizes or sees that I am in a crisis, and therefore need crisis intervention and support through this time. He's addressing my eating disorder, but not the fact that I am still in an abusive relationship.

did you tell him you were in crisis? Is he ignoring this about you or do you think he doesnt perceive the gravity of the situation?

It sounds like what you expect and what this therapist is capable of are two different things. i am not a believer in sticking with a therapist for a few times before deciding that I do not like them or their style. I tend to know right away if we mix well and wont go back if it doesnt feel good the first time.

Yes, definitely. I will do what's right for me.

My recent off-the-wall so-called therapist suggested I remain in this abusive situation for THREE months after I land a job - to get past the mandatory 3-month probationary period.

I had already told him my depression, anxiety and eating disorder have all worsened because of the abuse I've experienced... my mental health has been deteriorating, yet he suggests remaining in this for 3 additional months?????

F- that! What an idiot. And he calls himself a therapist.

@sarahsweets,

No no... I did not show him my blog and he didn't read it. He immediately put it down in favor of his own level of expertise on the SAME EXACT subject. He was totally dismissive of ME and MY experience with the subject matter. He was a complete A-HOLE about it. Clearly, he was in competition with me over the subject matter.

He knows/knew I am in a crisis.

Here's what happened:

He pissed me off TWICE within only three sessions, he gave me REALLY BAD advice, AND he insulted my work. GOOD RIDDANCE. I concluded he is probably toxic himself.

In the first session, he obtained my life history and I had a completely different impression of him. After the next 2, I was like, what a A-HOLE! GRRRR.

He's being far too nice. Allowing me to watch whatever I want on TV (when HE usually dominates and takes over the TV), he's buying me whatever I say I wish I could have, he's going far out of his way to get me things I need.... he's being far too nice. I can see why so many women get snagged by this stage of abuse, otherwise called the "honeymoon phase" or the "love bombing" phase. I'm not buying it or feeding into it though. I see it for what it is: pure manipulation and all an act to con me further.

It's not a stage of abuse. A lot of guys play the game to win someone over. I mean, sure, he's lying and you're right to ignore his tricks. However, don't see this particular pattern of behavior as an abuse, because it may cause you unnecessary distress in the future.

I'm afraid that one day you may meet a normal guy who will "love bomb" you a little bit (it's natural to do that in small doses) and you may freak out, maybe even end something good, because of seeing such behavior as a "stage of abuse". I think that distorted point of view of abuse victim may cause a lot of damage in one's future if it's not managed properly.

That’s an excellent point. My husband is always very loving, he has a nurturing nature, it’s just who he is. It’s certainly not any kind of stage. My daughters fiancée is similar type of man.

I think what hope means as he always turns into being nasty after being loving. Then it’s a stage of abuse. But I agree, when you meet someone you should observe if their loving behavior is consistent or either alternate with bad treatment

Actually, it is a formal stage of abuse. It's written by psychologists that there are definitive stages and phases of abuse. We are now in what is termed the honeymoon period. It's called a cycle of abuse for a specific reason: it cycles. If an abuser were abusive ALL the time he would never be able to hold onto a relationship and everyone would leave quickly, So they couple their abusive behaviors with loving behaviors to keep you invested in them.

I don't plan on ever getting involved again after this over. So that's a moot point about any future relationships. I aim to heal myself, empower myself and find a way to be happy alone and single.

Haven't finished catching up on this thread but I got so far and had to say something. Yes, listen to toughcookie! You don't have to downplay your abuse. It hurts, and it is real!